We all know an infant “sleeping through the night” is the holy grail of parenthood about 12 of us have actually accomplished but all of us are somehow expected to make happen, but hey. Who the fuck is counting?
And we all know that if your baby is not “sleeping through the night” one of two things is happening:
- Your baby is an asshole. No wait. That’s not right. She’s a “bad baby.” Bad babies don’t sleep through the night. GOOD babies do. (Knowing this, sometimes when my baby wakes up at 3am, I hold him close and look him dead in the eyes and say “Arlo, STOP BEING A BAD BABY. Don’t you want to be good? Good babies don’t demand the boob at 1am 2am 3am and 5am. They are GOOD in that they comprehend the sleep needs of their parents, at 8 months.” Strangely, he just looks at me like “Why is there no nipple in my mouth, loser?”)
- YOU are an asshole. That’s right. Stop complaining. You’re having sleep problems because you haven’t SLEEP TRAINED your baby.
So basically if your baby is not the problem you are the problem. Simple.
Oh just knock it off. I’m not trying to make an argument about sleep training or not sleep training. Well, yes, I absolutely think you are a dick for letting your 3-month-old scream uncontrollably until he vomits on himself and then on the 3rd day he gives up and you’re all “SUCCESS!” and tell all your friends about it on Facebook. Sorry, but that’s some fucked-up shit. On the other hand, if it keeps you from driving yourself off a cliff, do what you do. Whatever. Perspective.
But most people don’t do that. And there are many variations of “sleep training” and most of them are pretty civil, from what I hear, having never actually successfully “sleep trained” anything in my entire life.
The only one to not sleep with us and nurse pretty much all night was Georgia, who actually screamed “Thank GOD I’m FINALLY FREE!” when we put her in a crib at 3-4 months.
George in her crib like a motherfucking boss
My friend said she got her 9-month-old to sleep half the night in the crib (I only want a few hours, folks, JUST A FEW) by going away for 2 days and having her husband give the baby a bottle and then back in the crib, with some limited crying. Next month I’m going to a beginners’ yoga retreat (THEY PROMISE ME FAT PEOPLE CAN DO YOGA) at an ashram in the Sierra Nevada (I can’t make this shit up), so our plan is for Mac to attempt the same.
My expectations of this working are hovering around 5. Percent. As in, 5% likelihood of success.
Why? I don’t know why. Because we suck. Because we’re subpar humans. Because we’ve just never done it. Because the crying makes my soul hurt. Because maybe I have defective children. Because I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Because a good portion of my life feels like a constant state of “winging-it” while the rest of the world appears all in control, planned out and solid, while I’m over here flailing in “WTF is happening” land and wondering how I could get my hands on some of the Kool-Aid they’ve evidently consumed.
Actually, maybe not.
But I know I’m not the only one, and so, this post if for you, losers who have never successfully sleep trained their children. Or really, anybody who has kids who aren’t “sleeping through the night.”
LOSERS.
I get you.
Does your head hurt every single day when your eyes open? Me too. Sometimes my cheekbones ache. I didn’t even know that was a thing until this most recent one came along.
Usually my eyes open and I think to myself “Oh god no,” which is not exactly a “fresh start” to my morning but we do what we can. The prospect of copious amounts of coffee and having no choice whatsoever in the matter are the only two things dragging me out of bed. I rely on the bright screen of my phone and the utter cuteness of my baby babbling next to me to remind me that dying is not the way to go here.
LEAVE ME ALONE I’M A LITTLE DRAMATIC SOMETIMES.
well, she came in our bed sometimes…
And I understand the weight. On the shoulders and forehead and back. It hurts almost all the time. I want to get to the gym but I can’t. Well, I can, but it’s so much. If I ate better I’d feel better. Why the simple carbs when I’m tired? Why the sugar? Next month I’m going to an ashram where I will be whipped into shape faster than you can say “loose-fitting hemp pants.”
I imagine I’ll come back a yogi.
Sometimes I put the milk in the cupboard, and sometimes I get really, really angry at my kids over really, really stupid shit and as it’s happening I realize I am actually nearing the delusional insane/profound irritability state of sleep deprivation and I think to myself “JANELLE YOU MUST SLEEP TRAIN. DO SOMETHING!”
But when 10pm rolls around I just collapse again into bed, with my baby at my side, because sleep, now. I guess. I don’t know if I could do this if I had to work outside the home. What did I do before? I can’t recall.
BTW: Why do we get on each other’s cases for sleep training/not sleep training when the real thing we should be enraged insane livid pissed about is that WE HAVE NO FUCKING PAID MATERNITY LEAVE in this country?
And then there’s the weekends. If my husband’s home, he takes the baby in the morning and I feel 40-60% human again.
And I get that sometimes the whole house is asleep and you’re awake and then you’re sure you really have lost it because what are you doing awake? But the quiet.
And I get that sometimes you hand your baby to your partner and say “I need 20 minutes without a human touching me, looking at me, actually, near me at all.”
And, if your partner works and you stay home (and therefore the nighttime parenting usually falls on you), I get wanting to bludgeon the motherfucker (lovingly, of course, and just a LITTLE) with something that will hurt but not kill because just look at him over there snoring (the partner, not the baby).
It doesn’t all suck
And I get that none of that is all there is, and there’s the cuddles and laughing and baby snores and fists and the smell of them after the bath as they tuck up against you, and the kiss you give his head anyway, 3 or 9 or 12 times a night as you do that grab-and-roll thing to nurse on the other side, and the softness of the breath, the cheeks and neck. I know there’s a gratefulness that you can be there, even as you’re hating it, and the oldest one will be 18 in 5 years.
There is always that, too, or maybe that’s only because I’ve been doing this for 13 years, and it feels like 9 days, and one of them is going to go soon. I’m not saying I know more than you. I think it’s pretty clear I don’t. And I remember when all I felt was resentment. Love, but resentment. Because it couldn’t possibly be this hard, and yet it was. And I couldn’t see through or out because I had never gotten through or out but now I have a kid who doesn’t need me at all at night, and sleeps in a space all her own, and with her, I’m through, and out, and can’t even recall.
So now, now I’m not angry. I’m just tired. Well, sometimes I’m angry.
And I still haven’t figured it out.
And maybe you haven’t either.
So I wanted you to know. You’re not the only loser. And when I come back a yogi, I’ll tell you everything about how to fix all your shit, because I know, I know it’s right around the corner.
The same. The tired.
The end.
It’s all right there. Or here, actually.
Right here on my fucking chest.
Arlo is relieved that I’ve finally been successfully sleep trained.
*******
We’re all facing the “most sacred job in the world” armed with nothin but ourselves.
I insist there’s beauty right there. And a shitload of humor. A SHITLOAD OF FUCKING HUMOR. Because it’s funny, goddamnit, the whole thing.
And I wrote that too.
That part was really, really fun. Alongside even the most intense parts of that book, I was laughing my ass off (IN MOMENTS, okay, I’m not a monster). I may be a monster.
Somebody messaged me today saying her favorite passage in my book was the dinosaur porn one. Here it is:
“Let’s not talk about how we all became better versions of ourselves the day we became parents, and, please, would you stop pretending you did? Because your holier-than-thou shit makes me worry you watch dinosaur porn after the kids go to bed. Your steadfast focus on seasonal cupcakes and organic kombucha concerns me. Look, I’ve got some too. I know all about gut flora. But please. Is that all there is?”
hk
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 11:51Amen. I have 2, ages 3 years and 11 months, and I’ve always just tried to do what they wanted with sleeping (which, for the little one, was sleeping nowhere but in my arms for 6 months and then inexplicably sleeping all night in his crib) and never understood why our plan of “winging it and figuring they will sleep eventually” provoked such strong reactions from people. EVERYONE RELAX IT’S OKAY TO NOT HAVE A PLAN is our mantra, except when it’s OMG WHY DON’T I HAVE A PLAN. Onward!
Rachel @ Reality Chick
Friday, 27 March, 2015 at 4:09I love this so much. I’m exhausted and my kid is currently asleep in the middle of our bed inside an elaborately created pillow fort with the monitor trained on his tiny face because it’s the only way he would sleep tonight.
And I’m trying to be okay with the ‘winging it’ thing. Reading your comment makes it okay 🙂
Charity M
Tuesday, 5 May, 2015 at 4:13I found this article after Googling ‘Why won’t my 18 month old fucking sleep’
You hit the nail right on the head! Thank you so much for writing this, I feel 100 times better now.
Susan
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 7:22Because 18-month-olds are a-holes. I feel your pain, though. This was my life 4 months ago. I had to just get in my car one night and drive away (Daddy was home) so I could scream at the top of my lungs and not freak anyone out.
It got better.
Nikki
Saturday, 5 September, 2015 at 11:06I might have to try that myself in about five hours’ time, thanks for the idea 🙂
Glad it got better. Sure hope it does for us too. I believed everyone who said the newborn bit was the hardest – but she slept back then, when she wasn’t quite so aware of absolutely every single thing outside of the cot…
Jessica
Wednesday, 19 July, 2017 at 23:30That’s funny i found it too after googling
Why does my 1 year old still want a fucking bottle all night.
Here’s to great mothering☺☺☺
Erika
Wednesday, 3 July, 2019 at 17:42Welp this shit is still relevant in 2019. Except, compared to babies in cages IN THIS COUNTRY, I feel pretty privileged that my main gripe is this asshole kid won’t sleep in his crib. Like, I guess there’s just TOO MUCH LOVE.
Anyway thanks for writing this.
Maureen
Sunday, 26 April, 2020 at 12:09Well, 5 years later (2020) this shot is STILL relevant… I also found this while Googling “11 month old suddenly won’t sleep without me.” Here’s to great mothering! *Holds up big glass of wine* Cheers!
Anna K
Friday, 19 June, 2020 at 12:04And I just Googled “why won’t my 9 month old sleep without me?” We’ve had our good periods, but I’d say overall I’m just the worst at this sleep parenting thing. Haha. So glad I found this page! Feel less crazy and much happier after that laugh!
Tekya Nelson
Friday, 24 July, 2020 at 2:19SAME!!
LJ
Sunday, 24 July, 2022 at 23:59Just ringing in here two more years later after googling “why the fuck is my 9 month old suddenly up all nigh?”
Tekya
Friday, 24 July, 2020 at 2:16I absolutely love everything about you! I’m up reading this at 4am currently with an 8month old that’s glued to me,I’m tempted to sleep in his bed
DadNamedMarc
Wednesday, 21 September, 2022 at 23:02I found this when I googled, “my motherfucking baby wont fucking sleep but i love him fuck shit”.
My wife is on the other side of the bed. She has what now looks like Vienna sausages reciprocating in the exit of the 24mm cones of a breast pump. Our newborn is beside me, sucking away on a soothie like Maggie Simpson. He finally STFU and we have to wake him in 30 minutes for his every 3 hour shit/feed.
How did the human experience end up HERE after zillions of years of evolution?
I’m gonna see if I can find this book for my wife and I. My head hurts, this sucks. He’s so fucking cute though and I just can’t believe how much I love him. Even though he is a screaming milk zombie. That’s my problem, I feel lied too. All my life passes and I learned that ‘babies cry and keep you up at night’. Way to sugar coat reality. This abomination is literally a zombie. Nobody told me this is to be expected.
Meghann Parson
Saturday, 21 November, 2015 at 6:47I love this comment. But would like to add WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH? IT’S MY LIFE AND KID! And I totally sympathize. Same situation basically over here.
Erica
Monday, 4 January, 2016 at 20:59I LOVE this post!!! I laughed out loud and almost woke my 7 month daughter up…but the part about the husband and his snoring…Jesus…I hollard???? Thank you so much for this..I feel so much better…
Krysten
Tuesday, 12 January, 2016 at 22:42I pumped at nigh and t brest fed during the day, and since day Three both my daughters slept in there crib. I made it a huge deal! No co sleeping hold baby while he she has fallen asleep and down to sleep in the crib. My oldest slept on her side and my youngest has slept on her stomach since week 2 of life. I know i know you’ll probably judge me but she was perfevtly safe and completely content in her belly! Plus there was nothing i could do! At two weeks shed roll over lol.
Anyways point is , dont make co sleeping a routine and it wont be a problem. Were talking dont inturupt that poor baby change the diaper if you MUST at night buy huggies night times and get some shut eye!
I am a working mom and my fiance works anywhere from 10-15 hours some days! My job is never iver and im exhausted my little ine dos not nap often and thats been hardest! When she dos nap i have things to do like shower ince a week and do laundry and find courage to cook and eat a meal …or im to stressed to fall asleep!
Motherhood i cant promise you’ll ever not be tired again ! But it is going ti be ok! Do the best you can.
Realist
Tuesday, 29 March, 2016 at 17:30No 2 week old baby rolls over LOL!
lemmony
Wednesday, 13 April, 2016 at 15:48Why would she lie? Our baby was rolling at 4 weeks. Totally possible just unusual!
Stephanie
Sunday, 23 October, 2016 at 22:18My daughter rolled over at 1 week old totally possible!!!
.
Debra
Friday, 6 January, 2017 at 17:52Nope. Totally possible. Mine did at 2 weeks. So maybe leave the woman be? She has no reason to lie.
Lauren
Friday, 17 March, 2017 at 7:15My sister started rolling over at 10 days and never stopped
MamaS
Sunday, 24 July, 2016 at 21:47This comment completely misses the point of this entire post, and was obviously written by someone who has never experienced a baby who simply will not be put down. Really. It’s a thing. I’ve had two of them.
Sassypants
Saturday, 13 August, 2016 at 20:49“don’t make co sleeping a habit?”… Apparently someone’s never had a colicky baby who would cry so hard that they cough, choke on their own saliva, and give themselves a fever. When co sleeping is the only thing that works, do it, and don’t give a shit what other people say. Books and unsolicited advice mean dick-all. You’re the mom, you have instincts. Do what you need to do. We still co sleep and my little dude is 8 months. I’m not too worried… He’s not going to be 12 years old sleeping in our bed still lol.
Melissa
Monday, 31 October, 2016 at 9:56Oh my gosh, yes. As I sit here exhausted, letting my six month old sleep in my lap because he cried all morning and refused to nap in any other place or position.
“Books and unsolicited advice mean dick-all.” This might be my mantra today.
Helen
Friday, 11 November, 2016 at 8:58I desperately want my six-month-old out of my bed because not only does it cause me physical pain but she often rolls onto her side to feed and then pee leaks out her nappy. I’m so so so over it. Every time I think she’s in a deep sleep I try to put her in her cot but she instantly wakes up. I just want to scream!!! I mean how does she know? She sleeps through ANYTHING if she’s in my arms but if I so much as bend over her cot, her body arches and her eyes open wide and she howls.
Florence
Monday, 20 February, 2017 at 23:26Because the crib doesn’t feel safe like your arms do, her crib doesn’t smell as delicious and familiar as you do and it’s big, cold and a large open space. Your baby wants you. I went through the same. Eventually fave up and had our boy full time in bed with us. I got way more sleep, he was way more content…..2 years down the line he’s still in with us and we LOVE it x
Ashley Veniott
Sunday, 4 June, 2017 at 10:25I’m late to the party here, but did it ever get better? I planned a movie marathon for myself to try to get my 4 mo in his crib, so when he screamed when I put him down or woke up 10 mins later I’d go back to my movie til he was asleep and I could try again. I still only get 2-3 hrs of him in a crib and then sometimes he ends up in his swing or eventually my bed. He also needs to be in a baby sleeping bag and have a poor fleece blanket on his crib mattress!
Kathleen
Tuesday, 7 November, 2017 at 12:54Hi ladies. I feel your pain! Since I am a grandmother now, perhaps I can offer a bit of perspective. With our first, I was a zombie nursing in a rocking chair, baby waking when trying to lay down in crib, etc. No sleep ever! Crazy! Finally put him in a twin bed on his floor so I could nurse him & supposedly sneak away. Never happened & we would wake up mid-morning with Daddy long ago gone to work.
My La Leche League leader had the first co-sleeper I had seen, basically one side off the crib & lashed to the bed with mattresses at the same height. We set ours up when we were expecting the 2nd & used it with the 3rd as well. I NEVER lost sleep again unless someone was truely sick. BEST THING WE EVER DID FOR OUR FAMILY! Double diaper, keep lights off & nurse when they first stir so they actually nurse in their sleep. My 3rd one liked her space so after nursing I would usually push her over into her crib. But having them so close, sometimes a hand on their back was all they needed to go back to sleep. It is the nearness of you they really want but they will definitely nurse to get that if needed!
I am today a LLL leader with a LLL group supporting employed moms. I encourage moms to set themselves up ahead of time so they can both sleep & take care of baby’s nighttime needs. We all need our sleep & it is difficult to function without sleep for long. So figure out what works for you to get your sleep too ladies! Hang in there Mamas! Your babies are adorable & they need your presence! But you need your sleep too! Generations of families used to sleep in one room homes! How do you think they did it? And it is no one’s business if your baby is sleeping through the night or if he nurses 3 times in his sleep!!! I love it…”Books & unsolicited advice mean dick-all”! BEST OF LUCK FIGURING OUT WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU!
Tracy
Wednesday, 18 January, 2017 at 19:15…. “Books ans unsolicited advice mean dick-all” LOL … Amen to that!!
Mel
Wednesday, 7 August, 2019 at 12:19Oh my gosh a huge THANK YOU for this!!! I feel like a shit head most of the time because my red faced, hacking while she screams, puking from the stress of it all, adorable little wonder will ONLY calm down and sleep beside me. “My cheekbones hurt”…but for real that’s a thing. I need my sanity and she needs a mom who’s not a mental patient.
Sleepykat
Monday, 13 February, 2017 at 1:15Seriously? That’s your advice? So those of us who already have co-slept are doomed.
Also you luckily appear to have missed the bone aching and zombie mum state that is created by little non sleeping beings.. good for you. Your advice is not wanted. I’m trying not to swear at you.
casey
Friday, 20 July, 2018 at 18:40yeah no 2 week old babies roll over and thang god your babies are okay because placing them any way but on their backs increase the risk of sids by to much of a % to risk it since you know so much
Lubna
Thursday, 13 August, 2020 at 23:21You are saying dont make co sleeping routine and it wont be a problem that upsets me dear lady, everybody says that so simple right! just dont do it it wont be a problem, it is a problem to have a newborn crying like hes dying okay, and glued to my arms and i had mastitis too viola and one boob got really fucked for life SURPRISE! And a hungry baby knows nothing and just seeks comfort, and for me my babys wellbeing doesnt stop at body health concerns, i care alot about how he feels, i didnt want my baby arrive to the world knowing nothing but my smell, warmth and boobs and i take that away from him because, hello on earth fuck you baby hehehe learn alone, what message! Long story short, i was too sick and tired to not co sleep dear sister, healing from c section and a baby terrified and needs to feel huged by me always didnt leave any room but for me huging my baby and sleep,i kept going to sleep with my parents until forever, and i know how to self soothe myself, heal myself and face life challenges so well and i believe i thank my parents for letting me in their bed and hearts whenever i wanted and they didnt even at the end, my 9 month still cry until i hold him to sleep and its so tiring and im exhausted and i will try to teach him self soothing but if hes one of those highly needs baby, i will let ppl judgme and love myself and baby and i know for sure hr will grow out of it
Bridget
Friday, 11 September, 2020 at 18:09Believe me, I did all the exact same things as you and they worked a treat for the first two months. Then little man decided he was having none of it and now we do whatever it takes to get him to sleep, currently that involves all naps on my/daddy’s chest. We literally changed nothing, he just stopped liking what we were doing. We’re only 4 months into this parenting gig but the further we get the more I realise all this “advice” is complete BS and whether or not your baby sleeps independently comes down to one thing: luck. You got lucky with babies that don’t mind being put down to sleep. Others aren’t that lucky, and no amount of “advice” will change how an individual baby prefers to take sleep.
Donna Jo
Thursday, 25 February, 2016 at 12:06I recently called my husband who is 5 hrs away for his 7.5 day hitch at work complaining and tearing up with sadness and anger and guilt…as I have done each week since our third baby has turned 4 months now 7 months. I have a 4yr 2yr and 7 mo. We talked about my lack of sleep and insanity and how we NEED TO “SLEEP TRAIN”. and as I lay half awake at nap time because of my insanity and the need to pee but don’t want to wake baby, I grow the balls to Google something about it alll and I found your post to us losers and I cannot THANK YOU ENOUGH! ! You made me laugh cry and laugh. I am so happy I read this blog now at the perfect time. God bless you and thank you for being so FOR REAL. prayers and thinking of you because you are a life saver xoxo ♡
Erica lima
Tuesday, 7 March, 2017 at 17:36Thank you for taking women off this rediculous pedastal of having to do everything right and perfect in order to have “good” children. Sleep trainingq goes against the natural process and growth humans do which there is no formula to.
If we could learn to forgive ourselves, laugh at our mistakes and give humanly of ourselves we would learn to truly accept ourselves for our real humanity which is full of mistakes and blemishes but is actually what makes us beautiful. And for our kids to learn that is the greatest gift. Better than “putting themselves to sleep” as a fourth trimester baby.id much rather condition my baby to see and learn empathy, being ok to have needs, validating those needs and sharing in the response of meeting those needs. Thank you for your blog seriously !
Amy
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:27Cannot thank you enough for this….reading this made me feel human again! I feel like I am constantly judged for my non-sleep trained 3 1/2 year old twins whom I now co-sleep with. Thank you, I love everything about your writing!
Molly Gr
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 18:30It’s hard not to worry about other’s opinions…but the reality is that you should do what works for you and your family. What works for one, does not work for all. If co-sleeping is what keeps you, your partner, and your kiddos sane…then by all means…do it! 🙂 Warrior on!
Kids Nook
Tuesday, 7 April, 2015 at 2:40Exactly. You can not generalize in life and especially when it comes to babies and children.
Rachel
Tuesday, 22 December, 2015 at 14:24I’m so tired now that I thought you said you can not generalize in life when it comes to babies and CHICKENS. I need more coffee…
Aleksandra
Thursday, 6 October, 2016 at 11:12Thank you I feel better my husband,s friends judge me for cosleeping with our 19 month old who I still breastfeed I feel like a failure when I don’t rise up to people’s standard and their how to raise a kid
MamaKC
Saturday, 22 October, 2016 at 23:41Co-sleeping and breastfeeding still with my 19 month old daughter also so forget about the negative people and do you! ????
Jen McGregor
Thursday, 20 February, 2020 at 19:27This is the best thing I have read in regards to “sleep training”!!! Im just lying on the floor next to my 14 week old babies bassinet having ‘me time’.. he will be awake in 20 mins anyway after 30 mins of rocking. I just googled “baby sleep is sooooo shit”but yes, they are treasures and motherhood is underrated and the HARDEST job anyone can imagine!!! I wish we could all support one another instead of compete!
Emily
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:28I’m the oldest of six kids and my mom never sleep trained. As a kid I thought babies grew on her freaking chest because someone’s face was always attached to her boob. She just never fucking went to bed, ever. Even with four under five she just kept plugging along, cosleeping, breastfeeding, homeschooling. I have two kids, I am exhausted, and I honestly have no fucking clue how she is still a normal functioning human person. But she is and so I have hope that someday someone will ask me a simple question and I’ll be able to answer it. 🙂
Amanda
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 5:06I love this comment almost as much as the post. Hilarious!
Mateja
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 12:25Great comment! “…someone’s face was always attached to her boob.” 🙂 🙂
Diana PrattI
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:29I am way past the baby stuff (I actually have a 5 month old granddaughter), but I just have to tell you how much I love your writing. How you keep it so real. I remember the days of having 2 babies, less than a year apart, and just wanting to die. I remember them being older and fighting, and me flipping my shit on them. Screaming shit that I felt really guilty about after. But the worst part? Realizing that my fucking windows were open and that the neighbors that lived about 3 feet away from us probably heard it all. I always thought I was such a horrible mother (not completely convinced, still, that I wasn’t), but I have an amazing 27 year old daughter and an amazing 28 year old son, so I must have done something right. Well, my husband probably had a little to do with it, as well.
I never would have had the courage to say what you just said. I wish someone had said this shit (or written it) back then. I had never heard anyone say anything even remotely like how I felt.
Thank you for letting me know, even 28 years later, that I was okay.
Mel
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 12:24Love this!!! And, Oh thanks for your comment too, Diana. I am sometimes so knackered and frustrated (I love being a stay home mum, but at times its soooooo boring!) that I’ve yelled ridiculous things at my girls (5 and 2) realising the windows are wide open for all to hear and I feel awful, the cruelest person in the world. The fact the girls still give me giggles, kisses and cuddles amazes me at times. So I’m grateful to read your comment, gives me hope that sometimes I may lose my shit, but that I haven’t completely ruined my girls.
casey
Friday, 20 July, 2018 at 18:51if your bored as a stay at home mom your doing something wrong or just not doing it right i think i speak for most when i say my kid keeps me on my fucking toes ripping and running all day i wish i could be bored maybe then i could get some refreshing sleep
Tracy
Wednesday, 18 January, 2017 at 19:19LOVE LOVE All these real comments…just thank God for people like this ans wish I had some in my life as close friends; life would be alot more pleasent! Tha k you grandma women for sharing your experience! And that your children are fine young adults!
J
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:36I don’t care what people besides myself do, because it doesn’t affect me. But I sleep trained the fuck out of my kids. The first one, & the second one. And now I am out of the sleep training business. The rest of you gotta do you.
lady
Thursday, 11 August, 2016 at 6:45finally!!! i was beginning to feel like an asshole who doesnt love her daughter for daring to decide not to co-sleep from the begining. from her 1st night she has been in her travel cot in our room, moved to her big cot at 3mths.
its such a relief to sleep for 6hrs straight. we both wake up well rested!
JuliePowell
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:42I have been in a constant state of this for the last eight years and have finally given in with the third, who’s still nursing and in bed with me most or all of the night at 3.5 years old. Tried the cry it out thing with the first cause that’s what your supposed to do, right? It was torture. I am sure the neighbors heard his sad cries. It kind of worked. The funniest thing is, last night, I banished my husband (lovingly, of course) to the bed in the basement, because his sniffling and sneezing from his cold was keeping me awake, and the “baby” was in her room for once. Anyway, I feel so much more rested (it’s like night and day) on those rare occasions that she does sleep most of the night in her room. But, I don’t mind, because she’s our last. I wish she would stay little forever.
Vanessa
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:45Thank you! I have a 7 month old (and a 2.5 yo). The 7 mo will.not.sleep. I am in no way opposed to sleep training but it’s just not going to work for us at this time. Mostly because neither I nor my husband can take the crying. Which means that he is up 2-8 times a night and cries when he can’t find a boob. I am nursing all night. I don’t have a plan how to stop that one either. He’s a small baby so we worry about his weight gain. It seems wrong to not feed him every time when he takes it readily. I work full-time outside the home and commute 1 hour each way so I imagine this is not sustainable forever but it is what is working for now. The oldest one sleeps all night in his bed. I don’t even remember when he started doing that but I know that the baby will get there eventually.
And yes. I feel like a failure because it seems like all of my friends have these magical unicorn babies that sleep from 7-7. I don’t know if they are just lying or maybe I’m the asshole doing it wrong (not my baby, he’s not an asshole).
Christina
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 15:16Ha ha magical unicorn babies! I love it. Don’t worry, your friends are probably lying. Or exaggerating at any rate. “Oh yes he’s in bed from 7-7.” (but not always his own bed and did I not mention the three times i got up to him and fed/rocked him back to sleep?)
My 3 month old recently had a week of sleeping 6 hours in a row and i thought that was the best thing ever. Luckily for me he is number 2 so i knew it was just a phase, ie he’s up every few hours again now! We failed at sleep training for number 1 as I couldn’t take the crying but they do get there eventually, like you I don’t remember how or when… So tired 🙂
Jessica
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 8:09Yes! I also have a 7-month-old and a 3-year-old. If I could just remember when my big boy started sleeping longer stretches I would be able to pull through. I’m not crazy-I’m just looking for 3 hours in a row. Is that so much to ask? That would be HEAVEN! But I simply can’t remember when things changed. If I knew it was at one year or 15 months or even 2 years, I’d at least have some hope for a brighter more rested future. But my memory is not pulling its weight on this one.
Cassandra Lee
Thursday, 9 August, 2018 at 1:02Well jeez I wish I knew that the whole actual sleeping for 6-8 hours at a time thing was a phase because with my son, who is my first and only, I thought he was a miracle for waking up at midnight to feed then sleeping until 8am. That lasted a few weeks. Now that is NOT the case
Kellie
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 3:25They’re lying. Mine sleeps from 7-7, too…after waking up at least twice to nurse. And he’s 14 months. Prior to a year he nursed all. night. long. Under a year old, you are supposed to offer to feed first, so you are doing the right thing. After 1 they don’t technically NEED the nutrition (really more like after they’re well established on solids as some babies are slow to take to them) and you can try to put baby back to sleep by rocking or patting without offering first. For us, it just sort of happened. He would fall asleep without nursing now and then, or wake up and not need to nurse occasionally…and then more and more. I’m just letting it happen on his time but damn, some days I’m really tired.
Kevie
Saturday, 17 October, 2015 at 19:50I was really glad when I read your comment. This is what I’m hoping mine will do. We are currently at 10 mos and we do still nurse “all night,” though I think I do occasionally get a few hours in a row. I think it happens around 5 am. We’re kinda doing 9-9 right now (I don’t work). I try to sneak out whenever I can to see how long she will sleep on her own or if she will roll over and go back to sleep without me. It happens sometimes. It would be nicer if I didn’t have to worry about what DH thinks or wants. I cling onto co sleeping because, like in the original post, the crying makes my soul hurt. Anyway, thanks! I will continue to fly by the seat of my pants and hope for the best!
Shay
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 6:49Check out reverse cycling on kellymom. I personally got sleep by bed sharing. He nursed and I slept.
Mel
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 21:53YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT! Actually, I can’t believe you are doing it so right and doing paid work with a wee one. My boy is about to turn 3 and working 4 days a week is killing me, I can’t imagine how hard you are doing it… YOU are the magical unicorn, baby 🙂 And I have to agree, bed sharing means you can get some sleep – can’t tell you how to NOT sleep with them, but bedsharing got me sleep through those days, the boy nursed and I slept and it was great. He still sleeps better with another human next to him, but I figure that won’t last for ever and truth be told, I’ll miss it.
Lee
Wednesday, 25 February, 2015 at 1:07my daughter woke every hour for most of her first 9mths, then I took her to a paediatric chiro who discovered her neck was ‘out’ causing her pain when laying down. Instant results, baby wakes 2-3 times per night…its wonderful!!
Darlene
Friday, 27 November, 2015 at 20:47When the babies in bed with you at night he/she won’t sleep and nibble? My 7 month old boy sleeps 6pm to 6 am but he falls asleep on my boob and stays by my side all night if he fusses I slip him the nip and he goes back to bed. We sleep great together. Hope that helps. I love co sleeping:-)
April Bennett
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 12:47I’m five years out but I still remember this like it was yesterday. It sucks so very badly, and it’s all manufactured by the awful circumstances, and confused by the lovely circumstances, and made more pressure-filled by the idea that we chose it and are somehow therefore even more responsible for not caving. I’m so, so sorry. I love you, from a stranger. I may look like I have it all together now, but I remember. Your voice is important.
April
Robyn Ayers
Wednesday, 7 September, 2016 at 20:41Thank you April. That made my tired self-doubting heart happy.
Mary
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:00Love this! I never figured it out, either. My babies are now 22 and 26 and no longer nurse to fall asleep (that I know of) and did not wear diapers in kindergarten (although there were some wet pants) and made it through to adulthood without too much therapy. I wish I had your thoughts to read way back when. I would have told a lot more people to fuck off.
Laura
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:05My daughter never slept through the night until she was almost two. Reading some of these other comments I realize that doesn’t seem like a lot but my GOD did it feel like a lifetime. And I had a time where the whole world felt not so bright, and every day came with a headache due to my lack of sleep and the constant banging my head on the wall to fix our sleep issue and not be getting anywhere. Unless someone has really gone a really really long time with out sleep I don’t think you can know what a dark place it can be at times. I would joke and say that the FBI was gonna want me because I was so trained on sleep deprivation at that point that I could have been a serious asset to them. But the joke was just to make a really crappy situation slightly less painful. I know you get that. And I’m glad that you wrote this. And sleep is as wonderful as I (and you) remember it and I hope you get some very soon too.
Jill
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:15Yeah, I sleep trained. I intended to go all attachment and stuff, but the first born had severe colic and never slept more than 45 min, and wouldn’t sleep on me, and wouldn’t sleep near me, and wouldn’t sleep in the car, and wouldn’t sleep being bounced, or rocked, and wouldnt’ sleep during or after nursing. He wouldn’t sleep. So I said FUCK THIS, I’m not a human punching bag. My life matters just as much as his life. After 4 months of that shit, I put him in the crib, and left the room. 20 min later he was asleep and slept 4 hours. He woke happy, nursed, I put him back down, he cried 15 min, and slept again for 3 hours. He woke happy. He was happy! He had a great day! He stopped crying and stopped being “colicky” all the time.
He grew up and you know what? He has ADHD. The poor kid was so overstimulated by all my “attachment” that he could.not.sleep. Once I left him the fuck alone in his crib, he sorted it out.
After that, with daughter 2 (no ADHD) and daughter 3 (ADHD), I started it way earlier, like 8 weeks. Bam. I’m a functioning human being, they were happy.
That worked for me, whatever works for you and everyone else is cool. We all gotta do what we gotta do to survive.
Kirsty
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 14:18I work in early childhood and have two young children (4.5 & 4 months), I am a huge advocate of do whatever works for you. I have a huge problem when any parent gets judged ( within reason of course as some do deserve it ) as they are honestly trying their best. Every family and situation is different and every child is different so no one has the right to tell another parent that they are doing the wrong thing by their children. Having said that, both my children started sleeping through the night by four months, my baby girl has been effectively sleeping through since she came home from hospital. This was not through sleep training, I have just had good sleepers, both would only wake once a night for a feed as a newborn. At the end of the day, sleeping through the night is a milestone that children will achieve when they are ready. You don’t start a baby on solids until they are ready so don’t expect a baby to sleep through until they are developmentally ready for it.
Jessica Blackmore
Monday, 17 June, 2019 at 14:46Did you breastfeed?
Suzanna
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 14:42Love it! Me too with the attachment parent wishes with my first, but the same – she was too sensitive to stimulation and was happiest wrapped tightly in her own crib with her own space. She cried alot, but now she’s four and doesn’t cry so much – only when I say ‘no’ to something she wants.
Lady
Tuesday, 10 March, 2015 at 19:52Look into the work of Oliver James, a child psychologist. He has a good book “love bombing” for children with ADHD.
Also there is evidence (study is mentioned in James’ book “how not to f*** them up”) that empathic care lessens the likelihood of ADHD behaviours.
Melodie
Sunday, 4 July, 2021 at 13:30I absolutely loved and related to every word of this, thank you so much!
Diana
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:52My cousin emailed me this blog post and it is so right on. This post is perfect and parts of it feel like I wrote it. Seems often people don’t understand what I’m saying, like the grab and roll nursing at night. Haha
My 18 month old will not sleep unless he is touching me. Night and day and it’s been this way since he was born. We’ve tried Sleep Training multiple times and various ways and for 5 nights at a time. I’ve wasted time and money on sleep training books to no avail.
Thanks for this blog ❤️
Jess
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:54kid 1: I know all this shit, I have it down.
kid 2: hmm. He’s kinda different than kid 1
kid 3: wait, what??
kid 4: oh Jesus I have no fucking idea how to do any of this.
Mine are 3.4.10,&11, and there are days I wonder if I can get through without fucking it up royally, again. I haven’t slept through the night since 2003, because even if they’re all asleep, my brain is all “HA HA NUH UH!” and keeps me up thinking about how I need to paint over the water stain on the living room ceiling.
Rebecca
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 16:07Ha ha.
Kid one (1987): WTF? Babies don’t just sleep through?
Kid two (1989): I know all this shit. I have this down. Best. Mother. Ever.
Kid three (1991): I would apologise on bended knee to all mothers everywhere for my previous smug arrogance but I am too exhausted to kneel down or speak more than one coherent word at a time. Worst. Mother. Ever.
Kid four – there was no kid four as I just couldn’t do the years of sleep deprivation torture ever again.
Betsy Peacock
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 13:55You’re so real and you tell it like it is. Kids can be seriously be monsters. Mine particularly. My almost two year old will NOT sleep through the night, and now is climbing out of his bed and traipsing around the house at all hours. I work full time as a caregiver in a long term facility and most days I’m sure my eye bags are hanging lower than my tatas. Parenting is difficult enough when things are running smooth and ‘perfect’ and your children are the modelesque little angels everyone on facebook portrays theirs to be. Why do we constantly bash on people?
Bec
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 14:03A) Amen on the maternity leave thing. I’m in the UK and had to return to work full time at 4 months because my maternity party dropped at that point to less than half my rent payment, and my husband had list his job. It felt like having my heart ripped out. I cannot imagine being forced back at a few weeks. I could barely sit properly at a few weeks.
B) I did all the night stuff as well as working full time,because boobs, basically. My kids were bottle dodgers. I know that bone weariness well and hold all you tired mamas in my sleepy heart.
C) that roll over thing to nurse on the other side? I am still nursing my 3 year old at night,but damn, you made me cry with those sweet memories. Remembering having to roll instead of being kicked in the gut and face as he climbs over for the other one. I never thought I would miss those night feeds, but you reduced me to tears, there.
Danyoolsan
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 14:33I thought to myself – “I don’t remember things being that hard!” And then I thought…actually, a VERY BIG part of the reason it wasn’t that hard is because I had the privilege of having almost 6 months paid maternity leave, a combination of my employer, government paid and then my annual leave. What kind of civilised country doesn’t support paid maternity leave? Having to go back to work when you have a 6 week old baby and 3 other kids is not conducive to happiness, or anything really. Sorry about your stupid system, you are rightly outraged about this issue.
Samantha Elder
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 14:37I just want to say, I appreciate your blog. Makes me feel “normal”
Kara
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 14:58I forgot about my three year old at the school art fest last night. She left me in search of chips. I bought more cake balls watched the show and gathered my other offspring. My husband told me later that the baby had been picked up by the Principle while shoplifting chips . All I could remember was the cake balls. Here’s to no sleep!
Manda
Monday, 1 February, 2021 at 21:28Here I am, 6 years later, snort-laughing at your comment. Lying next to my 4-month-old child, who reaches out every 5 minutes or so in his sleep to ensure that I haven’t attempted to get up and pee or anything. Thank you for your honesty. I have said a lot of things about why I don’t plan to have a third child, but the real reason is that any more kids and I will probably leave my 3-year-old at a school art fest.
Emily
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 16:09Our sleep method is…I don’t care where you sleep as long as you sleep. We co-slept while nursing so I could doze while doing it. My oldest moved to her own room around 2 and our youngest (1 yr 10 mo) starts nights in her rooms and finds her way to our bed (sometimes at 9:30pm sometimes 6am) at some point. She gets in and falls right asleep. Why would I want to wake up and listen to her cry or drag her back to her room 10 times. No thanks. I’ll take my (gently interrupted) sleep.
Rebecca
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 16:11I spent years trying to “sleep train” three kids and the sleep deprivation aged me alot in my twenties. Reflective conclusion? we should have just bought a super-king bed at the outset,and let them all in when they needed it.
Allison Baker
Monday, 26 October, 2015 at 20:13Amen.
Dayna
Tuesday, 30 April, 2019 at 20:37I know a few people besides myself whose babies sleep 7-7. I’m not lying and I doubt they are either. We sleep trained our son but never had to let him cry it out. Just made sure he was getting enough calories during the day and taking adequate naps and and also created nighttime rituals. Used sleep cues too – like white noise, a sleep sack, and a dark room. From 4 months old he’s been doing 7-7 and is almost 9 months now.
Jessica Blackmore
Monday, 17 June, 2019 at 14:59All babies are different so you are perhaps lucky. Some babies temperament is very sensitive & they can be very enquisative & struggle to wind down, in fear of missing out.
Melissa B
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 16:38I would still sleep with all three of my girls if I had a bed big enough. But my 10 year old and my 5 year old take up WAAAYY too much room! But when my three year old crawls in bed with me and snuggles up against me every single night at 3am – I put my arms around her and sleep better than when she’s in her own bed. She’s my very last egg (I had her when I was 43) and I never want her to grow up!!! 🙂
Gai Gai
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 17:44My first kid has two little kids age 1 and 4. Me, I’m 65. 37 years ago I said FORGET THE CRYING IT OUT. IM NEVER DOING THAT. IM HAVING A HOME BIRTH AND NO HOSPITAL, AND NO ONE IS CONTROLLING ME. We did co sleeping for years. Nursing, co sleeping, nursing. My bedtime was their bedtime…. and sneaking out of the room when they were asleep was the only way to fly. But they woke up whenever they needed to and all four of us ended up in the same bed for about 7 years. I have watched my daughter do sleep training. I watched it work and not work. And I’ve witnessed her bone tired exhaustion and viruses. I confess…….. watching my kid drag herself through the day and night makes my heart ache and slam inside me so hard and loud I can’t sleep……….. and I’m 1200 miles away. I’ve only learned one thing. Our civilized culture has it wrong. Comforting our kids is essential. And maternity leave for a year is much more civilized than sleep training.
Alison
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 18:33The only person who’s trained in any way is me. To wake up when they need me whenever. And to function like a semi-human being for the rest of the day. I’m still alive, so there’s that. I’m a loser! 🙂
Vicki
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 18:51I think you’re awesome! If everyone survives, you’re doing it right! Hugs and kisses and hopes for sweet dreams, eventually. It’ll all be over before we know it and then we can spend their inheritances!
Traci
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 19:53Suck loser? Really? Ny baby is 9 months old. She has been sleeping through the night since 3months of age. No “sleep training ” needed. Just good parenting.
Katmando
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 12:20Having one 9 month old baby does not make you an expert on anything. I honestly think you are an asshole. You may not be so lucky of heaven forbid you have another child. Then you can eat your “good parenting” words. You suck.
KG
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 23:55Sorry, but at 3 months old your baby isn’t responding to your “good parenting” you just got lucky. Sometimes these babies manage to sleep like a teenager instead of a baby…although I’m not sure why so many parents are in such a hurry to take this precious newborn baby complete with a collection of charming and pretty standard baby behaviors and rush them right out of this beautiful stage (just a blink of their lives) and expect them to sleep like an adult, why can’t more parents just enjoy the sweetness of witnessing babyhood at its own pace…no training needed, they’ll grow out of it when they are ready.
Anyway, who ever said its good parenting for a young infant to sleep through or ignore feelings of hunger and/or ignore their instict to cry when they have a basic need to fill (either through training or lack of parental response leading to a why bother attitude?)
Emily
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 16:08My baby started sleeping through at 9 weeks, completely of her own accord. It had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my parenting. I responded to her every whimper – she could have woken every hour and I would have responded. I was FREAKING LUCKY and that’s it.
By the way, she is 3 now and she NEVER FREAKING SLEEPS. So, look forward to the years to come and how all your awesome parenting works then.
SLO
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 22:40To the person who thinks she has it all figured out – I am afraid I smirk slightly in the face of your naïveté. Children are puzzle boxes, that you spend their whole fantastic childhood figuring out. How tedious if at 9 months the puzzle was solved – I assure you it isn’t and your sleep words will come back to haunt you. Also you have flouted the comment policy for which you should be chastised. The moniker of ‘good parent’ I am afraid will not be yours to call your own since you have torn down others to make yourself feel good. Time out for you… I have children who sleep and don’t sleep whatever their whim and the night brings whatever it does. I think you can affect the sleep of children with giganto effort but not really alter who they are as sleepers fundamentally – and they are all so different. People who are smug parents should, perhaps, be shot.
Kevie
Saturday, 17 October, 2015 at 20:06I love this. *high five*
Unfortunately I should admit I probably would have had the same attitude if my girl slept thst well. I’m only on #1.
Tammika Kelly
Saturday, 31 October, 2015 at 8:02High five on this comment!!!. I have a 10, 4, 2, and 4 month old and trust u never get the same thing twice.
Christine
Wednesday, 4 November, 2015 at 16:46Perfect response!!! I love it. Many almost 5 month old does something different every few nights. I just have to roll with it. I have no desire to sheep train him. I just want to love him and be there when he needs me.
KW
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 5:18Ha ha, “good parenting”! Fucking hilarious.
My first baby did the same, sleeping without so much as a peep for 13 hours a night at 15 weeks of age (fully breastfed). Of course it was my fucking awesome attachment parenting which did it. Then I had another baby and I kissed my sleep goodbye and at 18 months, still spend my days trying not to dig my eyeballs out of my head with a frigging spoon. Your “good parenting” might also work with your next kid, but you will more likely find you’ve got fuck all to do with it and it’s just who they are.
If you mean you trained your baby by making her cry until she gives up on you (as her instinct is designed to do), I hate to think what sort of psychological damage your fucked up ‘good parenting’ has done.
Kim
Thursday, 26 February, 2015 at 18:02I’m honestly hoping that your comment was meant to be satire. I don’t judge sleep training vs non, but attributing your ONE child sleeping through the night from 3 to 9 months to “good parenting” is absolutely ludicrous. What exactly did YOU do if you didn’t sleep train. You had an easy baby, that’s not good parenting, that’s the luck of the draw. Just wait till molars come in, or walking, or fevers and viruses. And if you get out of this one without shattering your delusion, please tell us how number two goes. I have three. They have all had times where they sleep and times where they don’t. They like go switch it up just to keep me guessing. Get some more experience under your belt before you start bragging on yourself. You are much less likely to put your foot in your mouth. Thanks for the laugh!
Rebecca
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 16:20ah you remind me of myself. After two babies, I too thought it was my stellar parenting skills. Then we had #3 and all hell broke loose. I remember my husband and I standing, wild-eyed in our living room, in the middle of the night, repeating over and over “what the hell does he want? why doesnt he stop crying? why won’t he sleep?”. 25 years on, and those memories still traumatise me, and I feel eternally apologetic to all mothers everywhere for my smug arrogance before #3 came along. Do yourself a favour and be a bit more humble about the current, lucky situation you find yourself in.
Lynn
Saturday, 2 July, 2016 at 22:46Incredibly arrogant and naive. One little infant that sleeps through the night and you’re crowing about “good parenting”. Meaning…everyone else who has babies with sleep issues are “bad parents”. Why do people do this? Take down others in order to feel better about themselves? Low self esteem? False sense of self?
Ruby
Wednesday, 22 February, 2017 at 1:33don’t. feed. the. troll.
Jocney
Monday, 27 January, 2020 at 18:44HAHAHA
BridgieMoore
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 20:11With twins and co sleeping we did end up sleep training at 8 months… But those lovely babies still wake once a night, sometimes more and, sometimes sleep through. They do what they want, they are babies. Haha. Love your writing.
Also, have you seen the letter to a mom from baby about sleep training the momma. It’s fucking hilarious…. I’ll try to find it and post a link if I can!!
BridgieMoore
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 20:16http://www.babysleepsite.com/awake-training-for-parents/
Awake training
NatesMommy
Monday, 8 June, 2015 at 10:12This is great!
Johnna
Sunday, 10 July, 2016 at 19:12Amazing! Both the original post and this awake training for parents post. Just amazing!
Jessica Blackmore
Monday, 17 June, 2019 at 15:11That is fucking hilarious!!!!! Loool ????
Hannah
Friday, 20 February, 2015 at 22:59You are my hero. Thank you.
Lisa
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 8:03My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until after his 2nd birthday and it wasn’t because he was trained it was because I wasn’t home to nurse him in the middle of the night as I was away on a business trip. He was cried for a full hour the first night, still tried again on the second night and then didn’t try on the third night. My husband proclaimed that he was sleeping through the night when I got home but that only lasted two nights when he realized that I was there when he wanted to nurse at 2am. Sometimes they need comfort, sometimes they need a quick drink – it’s not a big deal and I am tired of other people judging each other about it. How quickly you get your kids to sleep through the night IS a badge of honor for some moms. I’ve never been one for badges. But then again I was the mom that breastfed her baby until he was three and that freaked a LOT of people out.
Erika
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 10:04OMG THANK YOU. Your post was linked to me through a support group for Postpartum Depression/Anxiety and I absolutely love this post and your blog. Your honesty and humor is so liberating! I’m a first time Mom with a 4 month old and have heard the constant barrage of “well just lay her down and let her cry for 15 mins, she’ll be fine” or “you know, she’ll need to learn to sleep on her own someday.” What they don’t understand is she is super strong-willed and would not cry for just 15 mins…it would be HOURS on end and she would hold out until the last possible moment to fall asleep in a state of utter distress which I am SO NOT letting happen. I didn’t plan on co-sleeping but did out of necessity in the first few weeks because I was just beyond dead tired. Little one slept GREAT and I slept a lot better too! We haven’t looked back since. So I hear you Mama and thank you so much for writing. 🙂
KG
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 1:00I know what you mean! I heard that one too, and at first it stressed me out, I was believing all of it! All the helpful family members convincing me that rocking her to sleep or not laying her down “drowsy” so she falls asleep on her own was ruining her. She’s destined for a lifetime of sleep Problems if I dont teach her how to fall asleep now! Then one day I just thought, get a grip…she won’t be calling me from her college dorm at bedtime each night so I can sing her to sleep, and Come to think of it, I don’t know one single grown person that doesn’t know how to fall asleep on their own and I’m sure there are plenty of people who weren’t taught as infants…and yet by some miracle they did learn how to go to sleep somewhere along the way!
Your baby is only this tiny once, why would you want to spend these days with her screaming and you stressed and miserable? Do what feels right amd what makes you happy and your baby happy…Despite what some “baby experts” will say, the window for learning how to fall asleep is not that small, haha, ..its like “sleep train early or they’ll never fall asleep at bedtime again! (Daughter has been in our bed since she turned 1 yr old and she’ll be five next month, i dread the day she says she wants to sleep in her own bed I love snuggling with her!
Emily
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 16:18Did you know that “self- soothing” is actually a developmental milestone that they don’t achieve until 3-4 years old or even later, depending on the child? Do you know they BIOLOGICALLY cannot “learn to put themselves to sleep” until way past the baby years? They can learn that you won’t come and stop trying but that’s not the same thing.
I have rocked and cuddled my baby to sleep her whole life. She is 3.5 now and has started saying “I want to go to bed now” and we lie in her bed and she falls asleep. I thought I would be rocking her to sleep in my arms in high school, but she started doing this completely of her own accord when she was ready. Life is so much sweeter when you block out all the “shoulds”, decide against a stress and drama filled house, and just choose to trust your gut and go with what feels good. Nothing is ever a problem unless it’s a problem for YOU.
Laura
Sunday, 1 March, 2015 at 12:04Thanks for this comment, Emily. I’m currently lying with my 8 month old while she naps (she won’t nap without being held or without me lying next to her letting her nurse) and your words made me feel all right. =)
Christine
Wednesday, 4 November, 2015 at 17:03Thank you!!!! I needed to read all of this! I get so stressed thinking I’m screwing my baby up but then i remind myself how much i will miss these days, yes, even at 3am.
Diane McCurdy
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 11:49Both my kids slept through the night right away…..a teaspoon of mush at 10:00 PM…..that is all it took…..now they (whoever “they” are) say it is a bad technique but it sure worked. I have always been a light, restless sleeper but if I don’t get some shut eye I am suicidal and homicidal. Those babies, now in their fifties, seemed to have survived.
Cita Crefeld
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 13:07While this might have been the state of the scientific knowledge back then, please be careful writing this kind of ‘help’ as science has moved on a lot and the risk factors of ‘mush’ or food of any kind under at the very minimum 4 months (which science says is ok but NOT good) and better as close to 6 months as possible. Sleep deprived parents might read and try your trick having for some reason missed their health care providers guidelines and the reasons behind them – you may just catch them at a vulnerable point. However the risks to early solids are very very well established by bodies like the WHO etc. and most countries have adopted the guidelines. No mother should ever be supported to feed anything under 4, preferable 6 months no matter what the aim is unless their baby is under the strict medical supervision of a health care professional for some specific medical, not for a lifestyle choice.
Nicole
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 19:26Why aren’t more people commenting on the maternity leave thing? Because that was the most important thing you said. BY FAR. Frankly, the unpaid maternity leave bullshit in the US is fucking criminal, not to mention ridiculously detrimental for the health of babies and their mothers. The stress on families must be beyond enormous. How can a society/government think that’s OK? I just don’t get it. I’m Canadian, and I just went back to work after a full year of paid maternity leave. Here the government pays 55% of your salary to a max salary of $45K – so max about $1000 every two weeks after taxes for a FULL YEAR, and companies can (but don’t have to) top that up as much as they want (mine didn’t, but government jobs are topped up to 90% of your full salary)… AND you are guaranteed your job back, or an equivalent job, or severance if you are laid off in the meantime. Our system is not perfect – I know many moms that have been discriminated against for taking the full year leave – but it’s something. I honestly can’t imagine having to pass off my baby at just a few weeks old, never mind having to actually work in that mental and physical state. It’s seriously tragic. I feel for my sister mamas down south… and their babies. I hope this system changes for you all very soon.
Elle
Friday, 24 August, 2018 at 16:05YES. This post made me take heart as I struggle with how to get my baby to sleep more without me and as I contemplate whether I can work from home. I’m currently typing this with one hand as my baby sleeps against me in a sling. I’ve concluded this will not be a very efficient work strategy. Emails will take ages.
I’ve been blessed with 3 months leave paid at 60%. They call it short term disability.
But now that my leave has reached its end, I know it’s still too soon to leave her. She’s an infant. It will be tough financially not to go back, but I think it’s worth the squeeze. For those who can’t make that decision and want to stay with your baby, my heart aches for you.
A full year of leave would make all this so much more bearable. It would be better for all those involved. I could return to work healed, focused and efficient, and knowing my baby had a great head start.
But no, the U.S. is all “family values” and can’t manage to actually support families?!? I am livid, spitting mad that I have to put myself and my baby through the angst of feeling like I’m either a bad mother for going back before I’m ready, or a bad employee for needing more time with my baby. Family values my ass.
Jolene
Saturday, 21 February, 2015 at 23:00I always think that my kids like us so much they want to spend the time with us, and you know what? They won’t be doing it in 10 years and I’m pretty sure I’ll miss it.
KG
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 0:30I have had my share of passive aggressive remarks such as: she still takes a bottle? You rock her to sleep? You still let her nap? You let her stop naps? She sleeps in your bed? All night? Every night? Her bed time is when? She wakes up that late? Or my favorite…”you did not just say you put a diaper on her so she can take a shit?”
I have the same response to all of it, she’ll be fine, she’ll do it when she’s ready. I was 100% certain she wouldn’t be sleeping in our bed at 14, or asking her kindergarten teacher for a diaper and privacy so she could poop, or even drinking a ‘bot-bot’s” at her junior prom. Plus, letting her grow up at her pace, when her body andd brain were ready…and not when my needs said she should be ready.,,each transition was tear free, super fast and extremely easy on everyone.
And now that she’s gonna be 5 in a month I’m so glad that I let her babyhood drag for as long as possible, its almost over already and I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when she starts attending slumber parties and having sleepovers with her girlfriends.
flo
Saturday, 17 October, 2015 at 2:29I had to smile over your post I admire you for being resilient and doing it your way and ignore other people
and enjoy this next bit cos boy when they hit teens you will long for the past
because basically once you are a parent sleep is a longed for but often missed opportunity the worry goes on so
just grab it when you can and except all the help you can get your hands on
happy days
also why not start a campaign for paid mat leave as here in uk
we have come along way in last thirty years
go for it you never know what you can achieve till you start.
Nicole
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 8:42Hmm, my third kid (first boy) had been sleeping pretty great since I put him in a crib about 6 months… but now he turned 2 and climbs out and lets himself out of his room and comes to find me at 4 or 5 am and will no longer nap. It’s been a little rough! I remember now what sleep deprivation was like, and do have those grouchy spots before the coffee kicks in, for sure. Your baby is just too darn cute and you’re funny. Good luck.
Bea
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 15:04I have 3 kids aged 7, 5 and 2. Our first was a 7-7 sleeper at 6 weeks of age. I used to think I was the ants pants best sleep trainer on the planet. I had read the books, and voila… I got my baby to sleep ALL NIGHT. When we had baby number 2 who would not sleep all night I began to wonder about my awesome sleep training wizard skills. Along came baby number 3 who would not sleep longer than 2.47 seconds. She is now 2 and still wakes every few hours. So my theory? Some babies sleep, some babies don’t. You can read every book and learn every trick but some babies just don’t sleep. Which totally sux.
Prue
Monday, 9 March, 2015 at 20:48Thanks for this! I have friends who have babies like your first baby which just sleep twelve hours overnight so easily. Whereas my baby wakes at least three to four times every night. They make me feel like I’m a terrible mum and they’re awesome. Today I want to give up. But I have been a long time follower of renegade mothering and this post makes me try to remember not to compare to other mums and realise it will be ok. Thanks.
Rebecca
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 16:33So, so true. #1 was an averagely poor sleeper (did sleep training which helped somewhat). #2 was a brilliant sleeper. #3 was the worst sleeper on the planet who didn’t “sleep through” until he was old enough to understand my point of view on how his waking Mummy all through the night made her grumpy the next day. That, and a star chart reward system, LOL so yes, he was over 3 before he stopped demanding my attention in the middle of the night. Most of the time, we have a lot less control than we would like over these little human beings, and maybe that’s what freaks us out the most when we are in middle of the sleep deprivation. You don’t know when it is going to end, you don’t know why the torture just won’t stop, and you feel powerless when you try tips and techniques and they just don’t work, or you can’t cope with the hours of crying. My #3 used to exhaust himself screaming, fall asleep for 30 mins, then awake screaming again. I have so many regrets at trying to sleep train him at about 6 – 12 months. 25 years later he is a great young man but he does have anxiety issues. I think my parenting probably contributed to that, but I was doing the best I could with 3 preschoolers and just trying to function. However, we should have just let him sleep with us for 3 years. Things would have been a lot more sane, but it just wasn’t a popular option 25 years ago.
Leslie
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 17:59You are doing it right. 🙂 I DID sleep train my first few (of five) due to some stupid societal expectation. It was so much easier to let my littler ones sleep with us until THEY were ready. My ten year old “baby” still crawls into be with us occasionally and I don’t mind at all. Because my first three are 20, 21, and 24 and I would give anything to have a nursing baby in bed with me again.
Rhoda
Wednesday, 13 January, 2016 at 12:33The sleep thing was no picnic but to me a full year of keen treble farts and explosive turds from exclusive breastfeeding were even worse. DH used to leave the house because of the smell and DS would shriek in pain with the gas. We finally had to use the Windi catheter to relieve the farts.
Evelyn McLeod
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 18:29I have a 13 month old bad baby as well… And I’m a loser who won’t sleep train and just gives in to boob cuddles kicks to the head hair yanking and eye poking all night long…. Except when I loose my shit and the husband finally takes over…
AURORA
Tuesday, 9 February, 2016 at 6:13omfg I’m laughing so hard… I feel your last sentence so much. Baby girl is finally asleep but instead of sleeping too I’m on the internet googling “co-sleeping is killing me” because I feel my skin crawling from being touched all day and night again but I just CANT LET HER CRY and reading these comments makes me feel like a normal stupid human being so thank you
Lainey
Sunday, 22 February, 2015 at 19:29You have saved me again! I’m constantly trying to understand and accept the resentment coupled with the love. You make me feel less crazy for feeling that way. Your comment about your oldest being 5 years from 18 really made me want to snuggle my 16 month old. As much as I want to bang my head against a wall, knowing that this is truly flying by makes me want to just stop and kiss his little head. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Charlie
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 2:15Hey Janelle, I have SO got it all together. My baby has been sleeping through the night (well until 5am) for months. I paid for a sleep consultant to help me rip my little bundle out of my bed so I could sleep so I could go back to work. Because I am the sole earner in my family and I had to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. He sleeps like a dream. Sure, the consultant helped, but ultimately he had no choice and neither did I. Luckily he’s an easy one. Funnily enough I am still sick with tiredness, living on carbs, putting on weight, occasionally homocidal and short tempered as hell….because I work at least 12 hours a day and breast feed twice a day and study the rest of the time. And miss him like it will kill me. My baby sleeps like a dream and yet I so long to sleep for the next month. I’m a LOSER too.
LaToya
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 5:10Arlo is so cute and sweet! My youngest will be one this week and he still sleeps with me (my husband has relented to sleeping with our 3 year old who now comes to get him in the middle of the night) and he STILL nurses throughout the night.
Anyone who judges can effe off.
bianca vermeulen-smith
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 5:37Eugh. Thank you. This landed in my inbox at around 3am last night/this morning/ this lifetime and we were in the middle of a terrible night sleep. Spud, my 4 month old male monkey child, had slept great (woohoo! 4 hours in a row!) For 2 nights so of course he wasn’t going to sleep at all. I’d just lovingly told him to ‘shut the hell up, mate’ as I picked him up to boob which made my slept husband giggle groggily. This made me laugh and cry in sympathy and because I suddenly wasn’t alone. Thank you from one sandy eyed, zombie brained mama!
Jodi
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 7:15Our almost 5 year old daughter, slept thru the night at about 3 months old. It was blissful, sleep training not required.
Now however, we’re probably going to be co-sleeping, or camping on her floor or something as she cannot seem to get thru the night without some irrational fear of something or nothing.
It never ends, there’s no right and wrong, just whatever you need to do to get some shut eye to make you sane again in the morning
Sev Olinger
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 10:37Funny story. My wife and I were both active duty in the Army when our kids were born. The oldest would not sleep train for anything until he was about six months old. My wife had to go out on a training exercise for two weeks, and when she came home, the first morning she asked me how I got Chris to sleep through the night? I answered in true grunt fashion ‘I dunno. He never woke me up.’ I don’t know if that’s successful sleep training or bad parenting, but it seemed to work.
Jane
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 14:44Haha. Too funny, you have hit the nail on the head. I have three kids (eldest is 9) and I’ve spent the last 9 years in WTF land. There have been brief flashes of ‘hey, I know what I’m doing, my shit is together, how good am I?” And then that microsecond passed and life took over again…. I confess, though, my greatest joy was when my friend had her second baby who was the devil incarnate and thought sleep was for the weak …. suddenly she realised that her first sleeping through from 2 months had very little to do with her parental style 🙂
Kathy of the Soanish Cathouse
Wednesday, 11 October, 2017 at 9:03Thank you for this! I have four-month-old twin boys. Sometimes they sleep from 8 PM to 7 AM. Sometimes they wake up once a night. Sometimes they wake up three times a night. Sometimes one of the wakes up and the other doesn’t. Just recently, Plumplestiltskin, my bruiser boy, has been teething like mad and decided 5 AM is a great time to start the day. Whatever. My husband and I take turns getting up with him, he smiles and cruise and Pats our faces. We’ll all survive, they won’t be nursing in kindergarten, and I will never have to feel that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach from letting my children “cry it out.” They’re babies. Babies cry because they need something. I’m their mommy. I’m here to give them what they need.
Jess
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 18:37I don’t seem to fit into any camp when it comes to sleeping. On one side, we refuse to let them cry it out or any kind of sleep training that involves crying alone.
On the other side, I am so resentful that I have two non sleepers. I hate that I spend most of my evenings trying to get the preschooler to sleep and the rest of the night getting the toddler back to sleep. I hate that it feels like they are ganging up on us by tag teaming with their non sleep.
I wish I loved those snuggles and appreciated the extra time with them, but I don’t. I just wish they would fucking sleep.
Kim
Thursday, 26 February, 2015 at 18:18What helped me a lot was my husband who asked me to quit “trying” to put the toddler to sleep. So I did. I gave him a bath and turned on Scooby-Doo. I just let him run around till he climbed on the couch and fell asleep on his own. In a few weeks he was telling me he was ready for bed and actually sleeping. Plus I was a lot less resentful.
aimee
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 21:26I am a loser too. I am so tired I have reached a state of constant bitchiness that my kids remind me of daily. I can’t string two thoughts together and when I have to get up for work at six am I want to die. The end.My 10 yr old sleeps in now in her own bed so this won’t last I remind myself..cherish it I remind myself even though I’m so tired I cry at commercials.Thank you for keeping it real:)
aimee
Monday, 23 February, 2015 at 21:43Also…is it ok to lie to my ten month old’s pediatrician and say she sleeps all night in her crib?
Emily-Jane
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 0:31I feel your pain my friend. I too am a loser.
I am sure you are far too tired to read this shit but if not here is how I successfully sleep trained my baby to sleep through the night…oh sorry, i mean how my baby trained me NOT to sleep through the night…
http://stolensleep.com/2014/09/27/how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep-through-the-night-in-just-two-years/
Natalie
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 1:38Thank you and amen. You have described the last 15 months if my life perfectly. I apppreciate that your 13 years spits on my 15 months from a high tower. However, boy was that a relief to read that the painful cheekbones was a legitimate condition and that love and resentment do mix (or so perfectly ) well together. It was also reassuring to find out from a pro-mother that bludgeoning one’s husband …ahmm occasionally considering that as an option is not something that happens only to me.
Kate Douglass
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 3:18Wow, it’s so sad to hear so many people struggling with life. Some things can be easy. My first baby, in routine before leaving the hospital, at six weeks removed the 2am feed, I used a dummy and rocked the baby back to sleep, they only wake three nights in a row and I used a dummy and a rock back to sleep each time and it’s done. 2 weeks later I removed the 10pm feed the same way.
My second baby had colic so it was a little trickier, I used the co sleeper, then a wedge in the crib, the baby bean bags “pod” were also helpful.
I read dunstons baby language and understood my babies demands. I massage my babies daily, and used techniques to help with colic. My 9 month old sleeps though the night and she certainly was not left screaming or throwing up to achieve this.
I also have been working from home since my baby was 2 weeks old. I run two businesses.
I don’t believe you should label yourselves losers. You may find it beneficial to read some helpful books.
Kellie
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 7:16I think you missed both the humor and sarcasm. We know we aren’t losers-we know our babies best. It’s just hard sometimes and that’s okay.
leah
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 3:47The language! Must be the sleep deprivation 😉 haha
Beck
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 3:58This makes me a little sad to think that other people might think that anyone who has a baby who slept through from early on has sleep trained their child. I don’t believe in sleep training but am very blessed to have a baby who slept through pretty consistently from about 4 months old. Listening to my baby cry hurts my soul and I would never let her feel like she has been abandoned so that she gives up and goes back to sleep. For me it was all luck and I am so grateful for it. I would never think that people who have bubs that don’t sleep well are losers and I hope that they do not think the same of me 🙂
jas
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 4:23My little girl has slept thru the night about 10 times in 16mths. I’ve had days when I wonder what I am doing wrong cos all but one other mother in our mums group have babies who slept 10-12hrs. Right from birth she was awake every 2hrs. As she has gotten older we get sometimes 3 and 4hr lots. I have never and will never sleep train as I just believe that we are here to provide for our babies and she lets me know what she wants. It doesnt mean she is or will be a spoiled baby. I have had many a ‘lecture’ from family and mummy friends on what I need to do to change it. But like my child health nurse said…. “its only a problem if its a problem” i dont consider it a “problem” its a god damn baby!!! Thats what they do!!!! Ive also felt judged as i still nurse her before bed and in the morning. Is she too old? Why do you give me a funny look if i say im still breastfeeding. Shit… should i do it in public anymore or will people be looking at me like i have an 8yr old hanging off my tit????
And then 3 days ago my 16mth old took a tumble from the kitchen sink and landed very horribly on her head and neck. Thankfully she is okay!!! But all of the above in those few seconds have become nothing to me!!!! In fact now I am at risk of feeding her and cosleeping till she is 8yrs old cos i nearly lost her and i dont care what anyone thinks!!! Haha. You do you and I’ll do me!
Bianca
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 4:25I’m that mum you so graphically describe that lets her baby scream and scream until she vomits because I am an uncaring, unemotional human being……..NOT. I sleep trained using the approved CIO method and unless you have ACTUALLY read the method and/or tried it I believe you don’t and shouldn’t have an opinion on it because this whole scream until they vomit is SO far from the truth it’s ridiculous. I am astounded that mums like me who use the CIO method are subjected to such criticism. I do not believe co-sleeping is good actually I think it is terrible as it only makes for a bad habit that is hard to break but I would never slam any mum for doing it, that’s their decision. What I don’t understand is why are babies who co-sleep still not sleeping through the night? Surely this oh so wonderful set up the baby should be so happy content why not sleep through? My daughter since 12 weeks has pretty much slept through the night. We have the odd occasion of wake ups but that’s generally down to the farm dog barking at the wing waking her up. She is a superb self settler so needs little reassurance. She is happy healthy weighing in at 11.3kg at 11 months. She loves sleep, playing, bring held by everyone and anyone and sheds no tears when left at daycare. She is one content little girl who knows she is loved to the moon at back. So I ask, where’s the evidence of my sleep training CIO method that suggests babies are scarred, emotional unattached and will suffer in later life? I have had my say only thing to add is that I get a nice solid 8hrs of sleep which allows me to function normally throughout the day
Kim
Thursday, 26 February, 2015 at 18:22Sorry, you totally missed the point here. If you were a loser you would get it, but you are obviously a perfect parent so I doubt you ever will.
KW
Monday, 2 March, 2015 at 15:38Bianca, I think you have done what is best for you and that’s fine, just as anyone else does what they need to in order to survive.
Just don’t hang your hat on one baby, it may come back to haunt you. My oldest slept through 12-13 hours a night from 15 weeks of age.
NO crying at all (I didn’t need to use CIO or anything remotely close to it, NO co-sleeping, NO dummy, NO comforter, NO anything. She just wanted to sleep in her own bed and did it easily and well. I reckon you might have one of those too.
As for my next one, he is a totally different kettle of fish and I have had to adapt my ideals in order to survive. We do co-sleep and he sleeps all night (NO feeds) he just needs warm flesh next to him.
I am ok with sleeping with him as it is calm, contented for us both and the norm for all of civilisation in the history of the human race (apart from Western society in the last 80-90 years or so). It is not dangerous, and it doesn’t affect any one else so i couldn’t give a rat’s arse what anyone else thinks of it.
All the best for your good little sleeper, and all the best for being lucky enough to have a coupe more because that’s what it is…. Luck.
P.S. there is no info on this page about CIO effects however I have done a little research myself (due to pondering whether to use it for my boy, and yes, I have read it and I know what it entails) and have found a few referenced and peer-reviewed studies which have indicated some issues later in life with a link to CIO. This is something you can look into yourself if you feel so inclined but in a nutshell, refers to many adults who now have sleep issues or health problems being sleep-trained as youngsters with CIO, particularly when used on babies younger than 6 months of age due to their developmental state.
Just food for thought, and the reason I now prefer to co-sleep than force my boy into a state he will reach on his own soon enough anyway.
Melissa
Monday, 22 January, 2018 at 13:37I used sleep training with my kids (5 yo girl and 3 yo boy) – since the age of 6 months (age we started sleep training) they’ve slept in their own rooms all night 12 hours a night. When I tell people this, and that we used sleep training to get them there, I get the “oh I could never do that, I could never let my baby cry” etc etc.
Myself and my cousin (who has 3 boys under 6 yo) are the only ones we know of amongst our many many mummy friends who have kids that sleep in their own rooms all night, thanks to sleep training. Of course, when they have nightmares, are sick, or we’re away on holidays we share beds (not with my cousin, just with our own kids), but the norm is for them to be tucked up in their own beds after stories and songs, sleeping soundly all night. They sleep better, we sleep better.
Of course, to those parents who do co-sleep, attachment parenting etc etc they just do what works for them. Who knows, maybe all this “but won’t somebody think of the CHILDREN?” is a teeny tiny bit of jealousy that thanks to sleep training (which for us was 1-2 nights of crying for 10 min on and off), us parents get “grown up time”, our sanity and can easily have a date night if there is someone to stay home with the kids?
Sleep training is awesome, would definitely do it again. After months on end of broken sleep, an undiagnosed silent reflux baby and possibly some PND thrown in after a traumatic birth (no time to recover – you have a newborn to look after now!) sleep training was definitely, certainly the best option for me. My kids are super confident (Miss 5 is raring to start big school this year) and happy (Mr 3 makes friends with everyone) – no ill effects from the sleep training, no anxiety, clinginess etc.
Don’t feel guilty about your choices, people have their own reasons for saying what they do.
Heather
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 5:04Gold pure fkn gold!
It read how my brain literally worked when sleep deprived with a baby who would only sleep on me with colic and reflux and no partner to help (thank god for nannas)
Your brought a smile to my face today and I thank you
Let us know if you turned yogi and your retreat
Helen
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 5:41i just laughed til I cried – that weird hyena hysterical cackle that isn’t unlike hysterical crazy man crying….
Maybe I am just really tired (in fact, there is no maybe about that) but that is the funniest parenting blog I have ever read.
I just sent it to all my ‘loser’ friends so they can release some endorphins in a snotty, hysterical cackle also.
Thankyou!
Shay
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 7:03I LOVE THIS! This is so where I am at right now. I have an almost two year old who still likes to nurse and rock before bed and if I’m lucky- stays in her crib until she wakes up at 1, 2 or 3AM to nurse and eventually we both just fall into my bed and restlessly go back to sleep until I have to wake up for work. As always thanks for sharing such an honest and hilarious post!
Haley
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 14:04YOU ARE THE MOTHER-FUCKING BOSS!!!!
Suzanna
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 14:45Even though you’re in California and I’m in Sydney, Australia – can totally relate to this blog, and all the comments left. Will get my partner to check this out because he thinks our 4 month old is the only one in the world not ‘sleeping through’.
Biljana
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 19:00Hysterically crying until they vomit on themselves is a bit overkill. Do you honestly think any parent would allow their baby to cry that much? Your post has slammed and put down many many great parents. So much for not judging others on their parenting.
Di
Tuesday, 24 February, 2015 at 20:21A good read. I was so OVER the emails and friends telling me to sleep train and ‘older’ mums couldn’t believe that my son was still waking. Our wonderful, HAPPY boy is 11.5 months old and wakes once for a feed in the night. He is hard to put to sleep sometimes, this in not because he is being naughty (they are too young to be!) but needs to go potty. How horrible would i feel if i let him cry, when all he wanted to do was a poo, after which he falls to sleep in his cot. I LOVE him way to much to ever let him cry and cry. It makes me SICK the people who do. Thanks for making us mums feel we are doing a good job smile emoticon
Dalys
Wednesday, 25 February, 2015 at 3:08Thank you for writing this! I tried desperately for 3.5 years to sleep train my almost 4 yo. Still no success. Took her to sleep school twice. Went to a paediatrician. Tried EVERYTHING. Just behavioural apparently… always our fault. She wakes up and just can’t get back to sleep. For hours. Now with my 11 month old who is also the most stubborn person in the universe (and also maybe the cutest) I just get by. Day by day. Lucky enough to have a husband that supports me, and lucky that my son at least likes to sleep next to me (or lie awake next to me while I doze). Sleep training works if the baby wants to be sleep trained and that is that. All you people who’s babies sleep, you don’t know what it is like. It is a different parenting experience. Complete and continuous exhaustion. It’s awful. I’m so grateful to Mummy bloggers who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. You keep me sane. 🙂
Rose
Wednesday, 25 February, 2015 at 13:05Wimmin!
Stop and think a moment… If you are a stay at home mum, why have you assumed therefore – as most commonly happens – that you will do the night time duty??? No, wait! Hold on! NO PAID WORK that your partner is doing is more important than what you are doing. My friend’s husband was the one who woke in the night to the baby, positioned the baby to the breast, changed the baby’s nappy and resettled baby to sleep. My friend SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT AS SHE HAD TRAINED HERSELF TO DO, because as they saw the world, she needed her sleep to enable her to parent all day and her husband just needed to [insert whatever job here]. At the very least the night time disturbances ought to be a shared activity, so that both parents might be close to almost enough sleep. Discuss.
Also, for a baby/child who really is difficult to settle it can be worth a trip to the food intolerance network as sadly so many sleep issues are caused by other than your poor parenting or your child’s utter recalcitrance. Best wishes
Heidi
Wednesday, 25 February, 2015 at 14:54I’ve been a longtime reader without ever commenting, but every single post just hits me like a set of bricks in the heart. Thank you for putting into words what I’ve been feeling. Just thank you.
Sam
Thursday, 26 February, 2015 at 2:20Awesome piece of writing. You captured the reality brilliantly – super awesome read!!!!
espy
Friday, 27 February, 2015 at 17:08This is hysterical – as always! I remember those horribly sleep deprived days. For two days my shampoo just would not WORK and I’d go to work feeling like a total slob. Finally, on the third day I realized I’d been trying to shampoo with the conditioner, hah.
But, I just really wanted to say, NOT to convince anyone to do ANYthing…But, for those Moms who HAVE to get out and drive to work, or carpool or whatever…Sleepy driving is as-or-more dangerous than drunk driving. So, there should be no shame in sleep training. No one can love all their babies perfectly, we are all flawed humans.
Even 30 years ago when I had kids, I can look back now and wish I hadn’t thought every damn decision was so life determining for them every minute of every day. I made us all crazy trying to be the perfect nursing-careering-earth-mother. Read too much parenting propaganda. Perfect.Does.Not.Exist.
For an example: the difference between a diamond and a colored stone is an irregularity that occurs at regular intervals in the crystal. Just like that, our flaws make us who we are, crazy, beautiful, they give us depth and color. Losers rule.
Eszter
Sunday, 1 March, 2015 at 1:30I’m an official fan now:)
On maternity leave: I’m from Hungary and we have been paid (in what percent of our salary I’m not sure of) up to 3 years of maternity leave. We have here several types of maternity-welfare from the state plus tax allowance. You are entitled for these until your cild is 3yo even if you went back to work in the mean time.
You have the tax allowance and an other type of welfare till the child reaches the 18th birthday. It’s not much, and getting back to work is difficult, but it’s normal for us to stay home for 1 to 3 years with our babies. Getting back to work after 6 weeks is extremely rare. Actually, during those weeks we are considered handicapped (in a good sense, in a take it easy way). You can take your baby to nursery after he/she is one year old- it’s optional, there are state-sponsored and private ones too. After 3 years you are now obligated to take your kid to your local state-sponsored preschool kindergarden. Those who have more income can take their kid to private-preschools, but they are in minority.
In general we have a lot to learn from you, but in this case we are the lucky ones. I hope someday you will achieve the same rigths, because I think your system has serious drawbacks.
Justine the Stepmom
Monday, 2 March, 2015 at 11:31Hi, I have read through a lot of your posts and read almost all of the comments in that crazy-awesome-clusterfuck about childless people thinking we are losers with our toddlers and stained shirts. I follow you on instagram and I just want to reach through my computer screen and hug and kiss your whole family. I love seeing all of the amazing parents on this blog commenting and coming together, but I am also like, “where are all of you??? why arent we friends?!?” I would seriously have an actual social life if I could meet some of these people in the real world. But until we get to go to that conference you mentioned in one of your posts, just, thank you so much for creating this place where clueless parents can go and rant and talk and not feel judged and tell the judgy ones to fuck off. You are the best. Keep co sleeping and breastfeeding.
Love,
Justine
justine
Sunday, 8 March, 2015 at 22:22haha ditto from another Justine 🙂
Heather
Tuesday, 3 March, 2015 at 17:52right there with you.. sleep actually has flavour. when I wake up the taste lingers the same as the last mouthful of a desert that wasn’t big enough
justine
Sunday, 8 March, 2015 at 22:21just fell in love, LOVE, WITH YOU as a writer. Wicked honesty, will be back for more 🙂 sincerely equally sleep deprived momma of four!
Lady
Tuesday, 10 March, 2015 at 20:07I have raised 3 kids, the last is currently 2.5 years old.
From hospital she was unsettled and fed all day everyday (severe tongue tie diagnosed at 2.5 months). Due to the nature of my work, I had to return to work straight away so it meant baby was in a hugabub on me whilst I worked and then she travelled interstate with me at 2.5 weeks for work.
Around 8 weeks she started sleeping long stretches, people told me I had magic milk and I believed them. Come 9 months and she took 2 hours to settle, woke every 45 minutes, and I was working 100+ hour weeks. I also had little support, I have PTSD and a few chronic health issues which are affected by lack of sleep. I had every excuse to sleep train.
The reason I chose not to, is that I want to treat her how I would want to be treated.
So I surrendered to the process, told myself it would take as long as it took and that No one goes to their deathbed wishing they hadn’t held their baby so much. I cleaned up my diet, started seeing a counsellor again and got 30 mins a week of nurturing self care time. That combined with babywearing for naps, and a sidecar cot meant I got enough sleep to survive. And soon enough, she fed for 10 mins, crawled into the sidecar cot and fell asleep for 7 hours. I kept checking her every 20 mins to make sure she was breathing. Now she’s continued with the long stretches, night weaned herself and at 22 months asked for her own seperate bed.
All the people who lectured me about spoiling her because she was my last, rod for my back yada yada, are now the people asking me for advice and commenting on how content, secure, confident and fiercely independent she is.
Sure I was tempted to sleep train, 3 nights of crying and she’d be fixed right? Then I remmeber my mama instinct is there for a reason and that there are other things I can put in place that can help, other than sleep training.
It amazes me that people automatically go to sleep training but don’t look at anyones diet, parental anxiety levels etc.
also, all the parents with kids the same age who sleep trained, now have massive battles at bedtime, big emotional meltdowns from their kids frequently and night waking.
The books “babycalm” by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and “how not to f*** them up” by Oliver James were really helpful to me and still are.
Loser and proud of it. I have 3 secure confident children who’ve never been sleep trained. I am not a super mum or anything like that. I just do the best I have with what I have at the time. And I remember to lower my expectations on my kids and to always try to respond with empathy.
https://www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/normal_sleep_development/
Brittany
Monday, 23 March, 2015 at 16:28I have three children, one is three weeks old and the next oldest is one. My oldest just turned three and none of them sleep through the night. I’ve had a really hard time transitioning into the last two, they were unplanned, and to have them I lost my relationship with my first son. The two youngest still wake up all night, and it’s gotten to be a really tremendous struggle, and I find I completely agree and understand this post to the fullest. I know the resentment with a love mix. I know the begging yourself to do something just so they can be sleep trained for half an hour so you can sleep before you fall completely into insanity. And the partner part…. omg, I ABSOLUTELY understand that feeling. I just had to respond to this, I normally do not respond to blogs… I’m not a blogger myself. But I’ve wanted to make a blog about this same thing but I was afraid people would misunderstand, call me a bad parent… thank you for being the woman I’m not.
Sobbing mama
Tuesday, 31 March, 2015 at 22:20Thank you, i am crying out of releif because my nearly 3 month old constantly fights sleep, has the shittiest non existing sleep patterns, is colicky, doesn’t cry but screams at night… I tried amost everything; the kid even hates swaddling! Everytime family asks about him, they ask does he sleep yet? And i get the looser feeling because i have to answer as though my child is broken and i can’t fix him. Most nights i “give in” and he ends up cosleeping with my husband and i… A pathetic solution from unexperienced parents of course! Thanks for making imperfect ok.
So Tired
Tuesday, 7 April, 2015 at 11:39This was a great read, funny because it’s sad but true, so thank you! And absolutely point #1 is WTAF is wrong with this country that we don’t have paid maternity leave?!?!?!?! But while we’re waiting for the dicks (literal and figurative) in Congress to pull their heads out of their asses, it’s at least a little reassuring to know that we’re all in the same crappy sleep-deprived boat. My breastfeeding 33wk preemie is almost 1yr and is up almost all night. Even tho we co-sleep I always wake when he does, and it’s so hard to get back to sleep, especially when he decides he wants to do summersaults around the bed or my personal favorite, body slam his rock hard baby skull into my head, cheekbones, collarbones, shoulders. I work f/t outside the home and have been struggling with PPD which I’m positive is not being helped by the chronic lack of sleep and unsupportive husband who doesn’t think there’s any problem and is getting frustrated with not having his wife back yet. We did try a gentle sleep coaching method a month ago with a little improvement, but it was stressing me out so much I had a meltdown and we gave up. Now we’re back at square one and I feel like an utter failure, hopeless that it will ever get any better. Well there’s my sob story. Thanks again for the giggle. Have to laugh to keep from crying, right?
Jo
Friday, 8 May, 2015 at 19:00Love love LOVE this article and the comments attached. Thankyou for making me feel like I am doing alright by my kids by doing it my way, and not how a book our sleep expert tells me how I should be doing it. Before I had kids I thought letting them sleep with you was not being strong willed enough to get them to sleep in their own cot or bed. 2 kids under 2 later I realise that it’s survival that counts, and getting sleep any way you can without feeling the worst mum in the world for letting them cry. Now we have sleep overs where I sleep in my daughter’s room on a mattress on the floor with my 1 year old snuggled next to me, and when I do get some sleep I love hearing the sound of them all breathing and knowing we are in the same together.
Flikca
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 7:46I love you. I just LOVE you. Dont hate me for this, it is ment to feel all the sleep deprived mothers better. After four years (2 kids) of co-sleeping, constant breastfeeding, comforting,… It has happened. My younger one weaned and both of them sleep (occasionally 🙂 through the night! Now I need to learn to sleep throught the night again, but Im already getting better at it!!!
Joanne Graham
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 8:57my sentiments exactly! http://notsoyummymummyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/are-you-tired.html?m=1
Georgina Cullen
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 12:59Ha. I’m a George. That made me LOL hard! Spot on. Your eyes opening and think ‘oh shit’ EVERYTIME! At 11 months the Frankie had just decided to occasionally sleep through, this happened after a weekend alone with her father. Why? Who fucking knows!
Melissa
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 15:17There is such a thing as good parenting. And before you all jump on me as well as poor Kara, please consider that I have 3 kids under 4. I also worked as a cop for 8 years and saw firsthand what parenting with no boundaries actually does to kids.
Yes, I am that right wing ruthless conservative mum. I don’t do attachment parenting, I don’t cosleep, and my kids are in bed from 7.30(ish) until 7am. The first child I had the time and focus to feed her thoroughly, and she started sleeping 9+ hrs straight from about 11wks. The second came along straight after and I was so tired and run down that I couldn’t feed him properly, so I was in your self-described “loser” world until he was about 16 weeks old and then finally gave up and let him have bottles. And because he was fed, he started sleeping through from then.
My third is now 10weeks old. And this time because I’m fitter and healthier and particularly focused on keeping my milk up because I understand the benefits, he is what you’d call a “lucky” baby. He sleeps about 6-8hrs straight most nights in the bassinet beside my bed, and is only 10weeks old. I put him in his own nursery cot during the day as we’ll transition him in there full time in about three weeks.
I have been in the position that you write from. And I get that a lot of what you write is meant to be sarcastic and sort-of humorous because of that tone. But I don’t think it’s fair to berate those of us that take a more rigid approach to our parenting OR to assume that we are either heartless or are condemning you for choosing differently. As for judging you, I WILL judge you – the same way that I judge all styles of parenting that I see in order to learn what’s likely to be best for me and my family. It’s called wisdom.
But don’t you think that good parenting (while not all about kids sleeping through) is actually about having some boundaries both for yourself and your kids? If my second hadn’t got to the stage of sleeping through due to ruthless parenting (and there were at least two nights where I was so exhausted after waking 5 times to try and feed him that I just wrapped him up and took him to the other end of the house and shut all the doors so I could get 3hrs sleep) then I would have taken way longer to realise ten months later when he developed osteomyelitis in his knee that something was actually wrong. Because for the first 3 days he was just grizzly and waking repeatedly at night with a hot leg.
We’re all winging it in here. It’s not always about having a lucky baby – good parenting is about being attuned to what your kid needs in both the immediate and long term. That varies for each of us.
Kerrin
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 16:14Hmmm, this ‘good parenting’ to get a baby to sleep when and how it suits a parent is nothing like setting boundaries for behaviour etc during the day.
Effectively, you are promoting that in order for your child to be disciplined to sleep, some parents have no choice but to close the door and walk away, or risk their child being a delinquent in the future? That is absolutely laughable.
To leave a baby alone, in distress and potentially lying in their own vomit from crying so hard is possibly a precursor to some of the issues you found yourself facing ‘on the beat’.
I’m glad for you your babies did what you needed them to do. But to suggest that because I would never let my babies cry means they run roughshod over me during the day is so fundamentally wrong that I am shaking my head at the illogicality of it.
Melissa
Sunday, 7 June, 2015 at 16:38Kerrin, please quote me where I ever said that I let my child cry until it vomited? And while you’re at it, please also provide some stats for your assertion that children who sleep 12 hrs a night from early on have behavioural/criminal issues later on.
Children that are left unattended, I wholeheartedly agree with – but the opposite is the case when it comes to good sleeping and learning behaviours, and growth in general.
While I was ruthless in my own words with my kids, I used a video baby monitor. My kids might have sooked or grizzled a bit when going to sleep but I never let them go to what some ppl have described on here as “distress”. They were certainly never even close to hysterical or being sick. That’s why it’s called CONTROLLED crying, and as I stated in my OP, that is precisely why I knew something was actually wrong with my son when he had osteomyelitis. Clearly you didn’t read my post very thoroughly?
Sophie Lovett
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 15:21Yay for losers who don’t insist on sleep training their babies! I have never got how leaving the tiny human you are in charge of to cry to the point of vomiting is even vaguely ok. My tiny human needed me every two hours, pretty much, until he was two. Then he decided that sleeping was actually pretty cool and gives me from 9ish till 7ish every day plus naps. Bliss. It’s nice to know that he’s worked it out even though I’ve been pretty lax on the whole authoritative parenting thing. We live in a weird world… X
brenda
Friday, 5 June, 2015 at 21:12You nailed it! LMAO so hard I’m crying! I thought I was the only one. This is MY story to a T.
Thanks Mama
AnitaRex
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 13:02i just thought to myself well my breast milk must taste better than yours since my baby doesn’t want to wait till morning ?
Kerrin
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 16:16Ha ha, love it!
Kim
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 13:24Although I love that everyone is banning together on this issue because it can certainly drain on ones sanity to be deprived of sleep. I am finding though that people with non sleeping children tell tales similar to those that claim “money can’t buy you happiness” Because the only people who sing that song are the people without money. I had a great sleeping child. And now under my advise, my sister has a 9 week old sleeping for 11-12 hours with one waking. I don’t believe you need to “sleep train” necessarily but you do need to lay some ground work when you bring that baby home. Books I found useful were Healthy sleep habits happy child and baby wise. I really went by the theory of my baby needs so many calories in the day. It’s up to me to decide when he gets them. So in the beginning I woke him up every 90 minutes in the day and offered him some food. Then I gave him his final feed at 11 or so and let him sleep until he woke up. Now by about 2 months or so he corrected his bedtime closer to 8 but by that time he knew night was for sleeping and day was for eating and napping. Just some food for thought for everyone.
Seth
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 14:49Hey, even I ‘demand the boob’ at 1 AM.
Kerrin
Saturday, 6 June, 2015 at 16:02Kim, I’m afraid you have both just been fortunate. Yes, it does happen. I noticed you mention you both have one child? I have two children. Both were assisted to sleep using methods in books like the one you mention, both were fully breastfed, yet were totally different sizes and are still, at nearly 2 and 4 y/o, completely different sleepers.
While I believe your comments are well intentioned, I think you will find they come across to many as smug and condescending as you obviously have no idea how kids can be so different despite them having been ‘trained’ the same way.
Some people do have 2 or even 3 great sleepers, other unfortunate souls have 2 or 3 crap sleepers. Heaven forbid they have more.
I have always struggled to comprehend how as older kids or adults we all sleep so differently, yet as babies it is meant to be one size fits all. Do you function well on 5-6 hours sleep a night, and can’t sleep well the next few if you get more than 7 hours? That’s me. I have never needed the full 8 hours my hubby needs, and can tolerate a pretty high level of wakefulness. O
thers aren’t so ‘lucky’. Maybe consider this before offering a one size fits all answer to people’s problems.
Melissa
Sunday, 7 June, 2015 at 16:41Actually Keeri , I have 3 under 4. That reading issue you have strikes again I guess. Maybe you need more sleep? Lol 🙂
Kim
Sunday, 7 June, 2015 at 18:16All I do know is that I have many women in my life. Some with a single child and some with many. And every mom I know who followed the instructions above have had successful sleepers. Unless there is a medical issue there is no reason for a child to be up several times in the night or to require someone to be sleeping with them. These are learned behaviors. So people can take it as smug all they like. I am not saying I invented this strategy. I am stating I followed it and it has proven to be successful again and again.
Crissy
Tuesday, 9 June, 2015 at 12:35We did the whole co-sleep and I can trace back 5 generations of co-sleep in my family. Its a cultural thing for us so no American bashing against my family’s ways please. I’ve never missed sleep unless a baby was ill. I never understood sleep training. I have seen Moms do it Some were successful. Some lost more sleep. Moms with 6 or more children face challenges that a 1 or 2 child Mom who sleep trained never faced. Some Moms don’t believe in the methods used and find them barbaric. I agree with them. To each their own respective journey. Sleep training is only for the Moms who believe in it. For the rest of us there are endless ways. For the few unlucky Moms there is coffee!
JD
Saturday, 13 June, 2015 at 9:00I always feel like such a dick reading these because my 8 month old has been sleeping right through since three and a half months. 8-12 hours solid sleep every night. Well every night except two. Two nights in four and a half months. The pattern varies a bit but generally he goes down between 8-10:30pm and is up between 8-10am. (PS: No sleep training of any kind was undertaken, at any stage..)
I think they call this heaven?
Crystal heinecke
Sunday, 14 June, 2015 at 11:17I can not even tell you how much I needed to read this today. I’m a single mother with 6 kids (8,7,6,4,2,and 13 months), and by far, the hardest thing is the not sleeping. There are no words to describe the exhaustion. The literal crying over spilled milk kInd of tired, because even the idea of having to clean it up takes more energy than you have. My little 2, who still night nurse,don’t sleep through the night and most nights I have at least 4 kids in bed with me. I never sleep, I hate waking up in the morning, and I hurt all the time. Thank you for such an honest view. It’s rough, but at least we know we’re not the only ones.
Moaney
Sunday, 5 July, 2015 at 14:26Are you a yogi yet…..because I NEED HELP!!! ??? My little lady is 1 on the 22nd and sleep is still barely existant in my household ?? I feel everything you have mentioned on a daily basis and end my night feeling guilt because she’s my baby and I’m supposed to only feel unconditional love …. Right?! I feel that for her I truly do, but I am a barrel of mixed emotions on top of it. We all know sleep deprivation is a form of torture, for real!! I’m in a my very own concentration camp dictated by my adorable little 11 month old!! #sleepproblems
Lu
Thursday, 16 July, 2015 at 1:03Loved this post!
I am so so fortunate to have a 6-week-old who will already only wake once between 10pm and 7am, and I know that this is largely due to the misfortune of not being able to breastfeed, so she is a formula bub.
I know I could never sleep train my baby girl. I wear her in a wrap for most of the day and firmly believe that you can’t spoil a baby! In 13 years’ time, she’s not going to want to cuddle me all day so I’m going to make the most of it.
Felicia
Monday, 27 July, 2015 at 8:57Thank you for this. In my nonstop “googling” for answers to fix everything I came across your post as I sit here rocking and nursing my 4 month old daughter after fighting her all morning to take a nap. I’m sure it’s going to get better one day but it doesn’t seem like it bow and I am definitely winging it all the time. I thought with her being my second I would have this whole baby thing down but ha she has sure showed me. Oh well its nice to know I’m not going it alone.
Michelle
Wednesday, 29 July, 2015 at 20:17I came across this post while searching for information about not being able to get my 3 month old to sleep in her crib. It came at the absolute perfect moment. I have been stressed out for the last couple of days because I’m so worried that by not having her sleeping in her crib at night or during naps was going to make it tougher and harder on her as she gets older. I kept telling myself not to worry about it so much but I’m a worrier. Today I cried several times thinking how I’m not doing a good enough job by just going with the flow. So thank you so much for this post and making me see that there are others out there feeling exactly the same way.
Leslie Hilary
Friday, 21 August, 2015 at 18:51Took me 3 tries to finaly learn the holy grail…Home from day 1 straight in the crib at night on your chosen schedule. 2-3 months of 2 hr sleep shifts and youre baby will be sleeping for 8 hr shifts. Piece of cake. Fuck the bullshit of having your kids sleep in bed because your lazy ass doesnt want to get out of bed to feed. Suck it up for a short time or drive your self crazy long term. Yes, it is terrible to hear them cry, but babies do three things for the first 3 months: shit, piss, and cry, and if youre a baller a fourth thing of SLEEP. If you cannot handle that, donate your baby to planned parenthood and they will sell the parts of your child for profit to research companies after taking funds from our taxes anyways. (Sorry but i just learned about the selling baby parts and am sickened especially looking at my children and getting that wide ass smile of innocent joy).
Good luck ladies and hope this advise helps 1 new mom and dad as I wish I would have done this with my first two.
NatesMommy
Monday, 24 August, 2015 at 8:13Please take your vitriol elsewhere. I think you missed this when you posted your comment:
” Comment policy: try not to be a dick. “
Amber
Tuesday, 25 August, 2015 at 21:10Loooooooooove. And so damn true.
Keller
Thursday, 10 September, 2015 at 9:55So my first really was a unicorn baby 7-7 from the time she was 3 months old. Now my second is a terrible sleeper. She gets up at 1 am and stays up til 3 or 4. I’ve co-slept and had her in her crib. she still wakes up. My husband said she was a marathon sleeper when I went out of town for three days so Wtf!!! I am so tired and I was so utterly unprepared for the lack of sleep. I’ve tried the cry it out but it lasts too long for me to handle. That’s okay I’ll miss this when she’s 15 right?
Uniqua
Wednesday, 16 September, 2015 at 19:33I love this im only on baby number 1 but this is my every thought in a nutshell! Thanks
Aubrey
Thursday, 24 September, 2015 at 7:49Thank you so much for this. I too found this post by literally Googling “up crying because my baby won’t sleep”. Ezra’s never been a good sleeper but now he likes to play for hours in the middle of the night and I’m losing my grip I tell you. I guess that means I should let go? But it feels so right somehow to have a tantrum at night and want to scream and cry and hate the universe and then let him cry for five minutes in his crib in the dark and then go pick him up crying and kissing him and apologizing and…yeah anyhow, thank you. You make me feel like I’m not alone at least. It’s not just me in this crazy thing alone. Guh.
Katie
Friday, 25 September, 2015 at 12:45You’re my hero and I’ve never commented anything before.
Felicity
Thursday, 1 October, 2015 at 5:13This is the best written piece i have seen on parenting on the internet ever and for that i thankyou. Mum of two who hasnt slept properly in 4 years. X
Allison
Saturday, 3 October, 2015 at 12:17This is the second time I read this post and it’s as refreshing and comforting as it was the first time I read this. And as I type this comment my little one, who just today is 7 months old, had gone a glorious stretch of sleeping through the night to all of a sudden not beginning two nights ago. And he comes into bed and I nurse him to sleep. Right now napping on my lap. If I may vent: I went to a 70th bday party last night and was told that babies Need to cry it out, that it’s good for them because down the road this will help with problem solving. Ummm, ok. What about my husband and I teaching him those things? I’m also a stay at home mom, a decision I shouldn’t have to defend, and another guest told me children that stay home with their mothers are less social than those that go to daycare. Well, I guess we’ll see! Uhh, I just want to know why can’t people – other women – just be supportive as it’s quite an amazing thing to be raising a child and I’m thrilled not to hear my son cry hardly ever and he’s one of the happiest babies I know. And for 7 months, pretty good with people. I’m sleep deprived and sensitive and I just want to keep doing what I’m doing without having to hear from others that it’s wrong.
Thank you for this post! It’s real and raw and I can completely relate. I just wish I had the guts to tell it how it is when I’m faced with opinionated people.
Nicole
Thursday, 8 October, 2015 at 14:31Thank you thank you ???? love to you renegademama and the rest of you mommas who get it. Nuff said for this stay home, exclusively breastfeeding, co-sleeping, loses her shit but wouldn’t trade it for anything momma to 4. 3 boys and 1 girl. 9, 7, 4 and 8 months!
Myrtle
Friday, 16 October, 2015 at 8:43Yup. My husband and I are totally losers. Sometimes, when I tell people I’m so tired, I feel like I have no right to complain because we haven’t been able to have our baby cry it out in any form. And sometimes I wonder what state of crazy I will have to be in before I let her cry. But that state of crazy just hasn’t come, so…
Corina
Wednesday, 21 October, 2015 at 12:07I could have written this, but my writing sucks almost as much as my sleep training. How is it that it took six weeks to latch and now six months later he won’t let go?! WTF? Stil laughing and filled with joy at having read this.
Donna
Wednesday, 28 October, 2015 at 7:36God, I loved this. I myself…am a fucking loser.
Tina
Friday, 30 October, 2015 at 3:26My sister is the loser. Trained my niece to sleep through the night within a month after fighting with her to actually use the crib my mom bought for months. Niece is almost one year. She’s reverted back to 4am waking makes me wanna pull my hair out since her mother isnt here to witness all the hard work it takes to get her bundle to sleep. All well at least she sleeps and i can teach the little one silly faces to show her mom mawhahaaa.
KM
Wednesday, 11 November, 2015 at 0:35I’m reading this as 2:45AM sitting in a chair with a sleeping baby on my boob. Googling things because my husband has been convinced by someone (eh-hm, his mother), that their must be ‘something wrong’ with our 11 month old daughter, as she will not sleep through the night. So here I am at wake up number 1 (after 6 hours, not too bad), questioning my parenting choices. And he’s asleep, cozy in our bed.
Never a good sleeper, our daughter suddenly/somehow/miraculously started sleeping for 10 hour stretches around 6 months, then abruptly stopped at 10 months on the dot. I had bragging rights for those 4 months (and diminishing circles under my eyes), but now have been trying to duplicate whatever I did before to try and get her there again, to no avail. Instead of gaining a complex, I knew this day would come.
As the oldest of 4, I grew up knowing that STTN is the anomaly. My mother only had one ‘good’ sleeper out of all of us (not me), but we all pretty much were after 2 years old. My mom never made an issue about night wakings with her babies. To her it was completely normal, and being tired is what parenting is all about. She reminds me that you never really ever sleep well again anyway.
But my MIL, who only had my husband, loves to brag about how he slept from the day she took him home from the hospital, where she delivered him naturally and without pain meds. And she breastfed. And he never cried. He was PERFECT (I sometimes wonder if we are talking about the same person). She’s constantly implying that our daughter is a ‘bad’ baby, I’m assuming because of my lousy genes/parenting. I should have seen this coming when she was comparing apgar scores in the hospital.
Ah yes, it takes a village…to make you feel like less of a loser. Thanks for this post.
Alisha
Wednesday, 11 November, 2015 at 15:30I just have to say, thank you so much for sharing this.. I got teary eyed. I feel so judged, like I should have it all under control, and that its my freaking fault like I’m totally screwing my kids up. And you know what, maybe it is all my fault, because I wasn’t good enough at sleep training. But guess what, I was and am doing the best I can and yes it still doesn’t feel good enough! My girl just turned one and last I counted I woke up 9 times… I know this isn’t normal. But with how much she gets up every night, (sometimes less, and sometimes it seems more) I honestly, truly do not have the energy to do anything but pick her up and roll her to my other side to feed her back to sleep. Maybe there was a couple times I could have tried to train her to cry herself back to sleep in the bassinet next to my bed and was so tired I didn’t care to deal with it as she screams and stands up and I lay her back down over and over and over because she’s too tall for the bassinet and we don’t have a crib yet because I keep telling myself I’m going to get her to fall asleep in my room on her own before putting her in another room… And a couple times I have been able to stay with her as she learns to put herslef to sleep. But nonetheless, I’m back to being up all night and too freaking exhausted to sleep train. I’m so glad though, that I’m not the only Loser out there… just. so glad. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this!
RaeKG
Thursday, 12 November, 2015 at 13:10I think that I would have laughed during much of this if I weren’t SO FUCKING TIRED. He (Leland – 8 months old) is peacefully napping and I work from home. He will put up a fuss, but go to bed in his own room later this evening. But then, sometime around 11pm, he will wake and insist by way of screaming that I take him to my room (my own fault) and no real rest will be had by anyone until it is time for him to nap tomorrow (of course it is only him that will sleep). At that time his father will likely be hundreds of feet in the air doing something very dangerous as his job dictates he does, and I will be here, staring at this screen.
Fack. I am a loser.
Thanks for the post.
Victoria
Wednesday, 18 November, 2015 at 13:17Thank you … Your ‘grab and roll’ comment brought back vivid memories for me! Warm, beautiful memories. My youngest child is now 19, (youngest of 6- all of whom were breastfed and Co slept). Yes there were many days of functioning in a sleep haze and all those feelings you describe… And all the other times , especially with such a large family when in the middle of the night I would have my time with my little one.
Thank you for putting me in touch with that other me ????
jessica
Saturday, 21 November, 2015 at 18:33I laughed way to hard at this!! I also have wanted to beat my husband while he sleeps and I’m awake with the baby LOL!!! The struggle is real but I wouldn’t trade it for the world <3
Pixie Mama
Wednesday, 25 November, 2015 at 16:26Just found ypur blog and it is as if you ate in my head. Love tjisbut hate it because it is all true and all me. Thanks!
Sonya
Wednesday, 2 December, 2015 at 0:55WOW!I needed this so bad. I thought I was losing my mind. I even made an appointment with the psychiatrist. Good to know I’m not alone. It’s not fun feeling like you’re failing at putting your child to sleep, when all the new babies(3)around you sleep through the night.I just can’t bare hearing my baby boy cry. I had a heartbreaking miscarriage and I prayed continuously for another chance. He’s here and he won’t be little long, it’s going so fast as is.Thank you for sharing this. It really helped and it’s now 3:53am.and this little face makes life worth living.
Kat
Saturday, 5 December, 2015 at 7:48Wow i new i wasn’t the only one out there but damn reading all of this sure makes it feel like a weight is being lifted. My partner tells me that I’m doing an amazing job and I think to myself he’s only saying that because he likes having sex and so I won’t kill him in his sleep but mostly I feel like I’m just drownding and the baby is just sitting there watching me and there’s nothing I can do.. You know befor i had my beautiful son i had nooo idea that you can be soooo tired you feel sick like your ganna throw up.. yeah thats not cool ! And on the bad days i like to say my kids being a dick and you know what.. he is and some people look at me like .. whhhaat hes just a baby.. YEAH A BABY WHOS TRYING TO KILL ME.. so thanks for making it real and not sugar coating it like most the losets out there !
christina
Tuesday, 8 December, 2015 at 16:26Thank you! I don’t feel like such a loser anymore☺
Ashley
Thursday, 10 December, 2015 at 11:18I have to say I was laughing out loud and crying a the same time. Not crying because I was laughing.. but crying because it’s just a relief to know I’m not alone. There are so many days that I feel like a complete and utter failure because my 12-month-old monster needs me ALL NIGHT LONG. She’s been through a lot in her short life and I feel like I owe it to her to be there… if only she didn’t need me so freaking much! I long for the days when she will no longer cry out for me… but then I’m sure one day I’ll long for these days when she did. Thank you for commiserating with me… and good luck with your sanity. If you’re anything like me, it’s hanging by a thread. 🙂
Vera-Ellen Watson
Sunday, 20 December, 2015 at 11:24I stumbled on this in delirium. And it immediately made me start bawling.Its relief that im not alone in feeling so angry and guilty and in love with my kid, who will not f’ing go to sleep. And upset that all the other people I know apparently have magic fairy babies who are sleeping and eating and playing and perfect. Thank you.
Amber Hancock
Thursday, 24 December, 2015 at 21:36I was hoping I wasn’t the only one out there. My whole family seems to belittle every little aspect of how I get my son to sleep, and he only sleeps on me, in our bed. For months, he would sleep, maybe, two hours a day when we were trying to get him to sleep in his own area, and all it would result in is a screaming, vomiting, angry child who wouldn’t eat, sleep, let me change his diaper, or show any semblance of that giggling child I once thought existed. Ever since I began co-sleeping, I can recognize a half-human in the mirror again now. Uri is now 15 months old, and everyone still tells me I am a terrible mom for letting him sleep with me in my bed. Thank you for having a sense of humor and letting all of us relate to you so very well.
allie g
Tuesday, 29 December, 2015 at 22:44It’s 1:15am and I just got my co-sleeping 4 month old to sleep after a hysterical crying fit. He typically will not sleep without me day or night and wants to be held constantly. I am exhausted pretty much all the time but survive on coffee and cat naps. I also have a 3 year old to tend to and normally that involves doing whatever she needs while holding a 20 lb 4 month old…yes, he is 20 lbs already and exclusively breastfed. My 3 yr old is awesome. She sleeps all night in her own bed and has always been a pretty good sleeper. We didn’t technically co-sleep with her. She slept in our room for a while but not in our bed. My son is much harder than I ever remember her being.
I feel like I could have written this…you took the words and thoughts right out of my head. Being a stay at home mom is tough and very unglamorous. We are sometimes in our pjs until 2pm but I do what I need to survive. I figure I can’t fuck them up too bad if I always remember to show them love. And nobody has it all figured out despite what they might tell you. I’ve come to believe that most parents lie when it comes to their kids sleep and other habits. It is the biggest challenge you face as a new parent and the last thing you need is some random self rightous asshole telling you you suck at it.
Morgan
Saturday, 2 January, 2016 at 21:22Allie G. We are in the same exact situation with the 4 month old.
Sleep regression is a bitch and I’m smack dab in the middle of losing my mind.
He’s my first and only child and the first 3 and a half months of his life I was saying things to my husband like… we’ve got this. This isn’t as hard as everyone says. We should definitely have another baby in a couple years.
Then it happened… fucking sleep regression.. which is apparently something that every single baby goes through at 3-5 months… some for a couple days. Some for a couple months.
And at this point youre more likely to hear us saying stuff like
What are we doing wrong. Why is he always crying… why does he wake up so much. Are we failing as parents? We should know by now what he wants…. and of course a lot of ” we are never having a other baby!”
No one ever told me that 4 months old could be this way and that sleep regression is a perfectly common and normal thing that all babies go through as their brains are developing and their motor skills increasing… but why the hell would they? Everyone always wants to come off as that perfect parent… soccer mom.. got all my shit together wonder woman mother… but let’s face it… those people are liars. It’s pretty much a guarentee that every parent (no matter how perfect they may seem) has had a moment in their parenting career where they’ve wanted to pull their hair out and had no idea what they were doing wrong.
Love this article. Thank you for being one of the very few of us mommy’s who is keeping it real!
Andrea
Sunday, 3 January, 2016 at 11:07Losers??? Just because out babie are not sleep trained??? Maybe im misunderstanding this, but sleep training is bs in my opinion, my 4 month old sleeps judt fine, and i didnt “sleep train” her. She atsrted sleeping jusy fine on het own, as a mother its kinda common sense that you get up every few hours to feed, or change you baby, especially young babies, stop complaining about not getting sleep, i am a single mom, and not easy, i was so sleep deprived, but would suck it up, i nevet complain to anyone. caring for my baby is my job, no mattet how tired and frustrated i am. I cant believe these comments boo hoo i cant sleep whaaa, suck it up, you chose to have a baby, what did you think it was going to be easy??
renegademama
Monday, 4 January, 2016 at 19:01Hey Andrea,
Just for fun, you should try reading the actual post before commenting.
Sincerely,
The rest of the internet
Andrea
Monday, 4 January, 2016 at 21:16Thats why i stated maybe im misunderstanding this, and i did read the entire post, apparently i dont have a sense of humor.
allie g
Tuesday, 5 January, 2016 at 7:27Pretty certain that you are not getting this article at all.
We all love our kids and bust our asses every day (and night) to make sure that they are happy and healthy!
Felicity
Monday, 4 January, 2016 at 21:55Hey Andrea,
Maybe after you have multiple children and have had more than 4 months of horrid sleep (like try 4 years) you will relate more to this post. I didnt see anyone “whinging” just alot of sleep poor mother telling it like it is and relating to one another.
Chelsea
Thursday, 7 January, 2016 at 18:27any of you co-sleeping mommas have tips on keeping that baby on the bed so you can slip out to say brush your teeth without fear of her rolling off?
Loser co-sleeper looking for advice…
allie g
Wednesday, 13 January, 2016 at 19:24Pillows and a video monitor.
Felicity
Wednesday, 13 January, 2016 at 20:39Pillows or in Australia we have bed side rails you can buy that you just pop under the mattress and gives the bed a mesh netted side.
MIZZSINGBABE
Friday, 8 January, 2016 at 7:45OMG.. I am so glad that I found you. I struggle with crib training and almost everything I read say that we must train her baby to sleep…oh hell..my baby is not a dog. she does not need to be trained.. I am sure she will be happily sleeping on my chest when she is 18 🙂
Thankyou !
Single father
Tuesday, 31 October, 2017 at 19:26Hahaha love it. I’m with you on that one
Missy
Thursday, 14 January, 2016 at 23:13THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! For writing this, my 8 mo was sleeping 4-5 hours then waking for a feed (still boob) and then another 3-4 hours now if she sleeps longer than an hour I am lucky and that’s with her sleeping on my chest, we tried the cry it out method of sleep training which resulted in projectile vomiting, a costume change, a bedding change and more nursing (obviously), my hubby thinks its teething, all I can say is I friggin hope so because I feel like I will die if there isn’t an actual reason for this nightmare. I hope for me and all of you the end is in sight where our precious bundles start allowing mommy to sleep, good luck ladies and thank god I am not the only one! 🙂
Amy
Saturday, 16 January, 2016 at 9:18OMG thank you for this post. This makes me feel 50% less crappy for having failed to sleep train my baby. I am at my wits end but am hopeful that this time will pass in a blink of an eye. That’s what I tell myself anyways.
No name
Sunday, 17 January, 2016 at 12:35I have a friend with the “asshole baby”..he’s 10 months old and screams every hour every night just to simply wake her up, she hasn’t sleep trained yet. She took him to the doctor to find out what could be causing the hourly nightly screamings and all she could come up with is “you’re spoiling him”. I could have told her the same and I don’t have kids lol.
Rix
Tuesday, 19 January, 2016 at 12:29It’s impossible to spoil a baby. Some just need to know they aren’t abandoned and Mum will come if they call, so if they’re being savaged by a wolf or whatever you’ll hear and be there to fly kick it in the face.
That said my 9 month old is an a-hole. I put her to bed, drowsy and comfy, and she; sits up, jumps on the bed, pulls herself up, rolls up and down her cot, kicks the end of the cot, slaps the bars, undoes the poppers on her sleep suit to play with her feet, bites her own hands and cries because it hurts, and as a final resort will squeeze out a poop so I have to change her. We tried co sleeping but my bed is even bouncier, my face makes a hilarious noise when she slaps it, my hair is fun to eat, and my eyelids are great for playing with. Oh, but if I’m not in the room she absolutely cannot play and will cry. For hours.
She’s lovely, and it’s nice she’s so happy and playful, I just wish it wasn’t all day and night long ;-;
Stephen
Tuesday, 19 January, 2016 at 16:42Great article! Actually, the one saying I like the best is “well, they are all different.” That is horseshit. I have four children and all of them were sleep trained at two months. From 7:30 to 7:30 – goodnight assholes! Now it is 7:42, and I am going to enjoy my wine, and watch my tv shows. Goodnight losers!
kirsten
Wednesday, 20 January, 2016 at 12:39Absolutely amazing. I thought I was all alone in this world, 3 kids down and 7 years of loserness and sleepless children. Thank you for this awesome article!
Vix bowdery
Wednesday, 20 January, 2016 at 14:22Thank you ! You may have just saved my life ! My love goes out to you and you are my guru ! In my 12 years of parenting you are the only person who has ever made me feel like I’m not alone ! I just found sleep again with my 3 oldest and then for some reason decided I wanted the crazy up all hours back and had yet another night owl who loves to keep me on my toes all night and then what a surprise to find another one curled up in my belly just 8 months later ! I know I won’t see sleep for a good 4 yeArs or so but a least I have your perfect words to get me through those endless nights ! Thanks again good luck and much love , Victoria xx
Heather
Thursday, 21 January, 2016 at 17:35I wanted a baby so bad and finally I have this perfect, sweet, little angel and I’m too bloody exhausted to enjoy her. I had major sleep issues before she was born and now I don’t sleep more than 4 hours a night and every day I swear will be my last because I feel I am going to die. The exhaustion is so deep, I cannot even move or lift my arms or legs some days. I worry I’ll drop my baby or fall down the stairs. I can’t even have a coherent conversation. Why is having a baby like this? Why don’t they sleep? My baby is 5 months. She is so tired all day but won’t nap and sleeps terrible at night. She’s always yawning and rubbing her eyes and I feel sick that I can’t help her. I went from fitness modeling to a tired, flabby, boring, unmotivated slob. I don’t get the cosleeping. My baby won’t sleep beside me or in a crib. She only sleeps in her stupid swing on full speed. Heaven forbid it breaks. I’m a rotten parent for letting her sleep in the swing and I hear it everyday from MIL who happened to be a perfect parent and had babies that slept through the night from birth.
I’m so f’ng tired. One and done and never again. Tubes are getting tied.
allie g
Friday, 22 January, 2016 at 12:10I’m sorry for what you are going through. My 2nd baby is no peach but at least he will sleep next to me or on me. I’m sure you’ve probably tried everything already but, could it be reflux or milk allergy? Does she throw up allot? Or fuss laying flat? Teething will also wreck havoc on sleep and unfortunately, some babies teeth for what seems like forever.
The first 6 months are really, really hard. I have to constantly remind myself that it is temporary. Coffee is my friend…coffee, coffee and more coffee. If you have someone to take over for a night, it helps. Please don’t let anyone make you feel like a rotten parent. Guarantee your mil is full of s*#t! I hope you find something that works for you soon! Hang in there.
Laura
Tuesday, 15 March, 2016 at 9:14My daughter is 12 weeks today and she also sleeps rather well (once she’s in a deep sleep) but only on me knee during her daytime naps and beside me in bed (although sometimes she wakes up and I’m forced to let her sleep on my chest).
I know allowing her to sleep on my chest is not the safest thing to do while snoozing myself but sometimes it’s the only option.
I have pretty much zero routine. Bath around 6/7pm then feed and fall asleep in my arms on sofa – sometimes she stays asleep other times she’s WIDE awake then we normally head up to bed around 10:30pm when she’ll feed then sleep 2-3 hours beside me then after that she always refuses to sleep anywhere other than on my chest! She still feeds (breastfeeds) quite alot and uses me as a pacifier which I don’t mind but I just want to know if and when things get easier!!!
Heather
Saturday, 23 January, 2016 at 21:39Thank you for this! I’m on the couch….nursing my 6 week old to sleep, my 3 year old fell asleep watching cartoons on the other couch. Most nights I feel like the worst mother ever. I am still yet to have my 3 year old on a good sleep schedule and now I’m worried the same thing with happen with my 6 week old.
Our 9 year old has slept well on her own in her own bed since about 3, but I think we just got lucky.
Every routine we have tried to start, we have veered off one way or another.
I always end up nursing to sleep and letting them sleep wherever they end up wanting too, couch, my bed, etc.
love these babies so very much and don’t want to be a failure.
dora
Thursday, 25 February, 2016 at 4:20this is amazing!!! sitting down trying to rock my 4month old to sleep on me. mother inlaw thinks am obssessed with her! she can only sleep on me or remain restless and cranky. I am exhausted and I am worried bcos I equally have to go out soon to get a paid job to assist my family!! BUT SHE IS MY LIFE!!! I will never give her up for the world… No!
Chelsea
Thursday, 3 March, 2016 at 6:50Hi!
I’m a first-time mom to a 3-month-old little boy who has yet to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Although I have definitely had moments of panic thinking that he’ll never grow out of my arms, I know in my heart that I’m doing something really magical for the both of us, and as much as I hope it will change, I fear the change as well. I’ve laid awake many a night, having gone to bed at 7 to accommodate his bedtime, staring at my iPhone and reading post after post, article after article supporting or contradicting the benefits of bedsharing. I’ve read articles about sleep training, and cringed at the idea of letting him cry-it-out, but gritted my teeth at that seemingly inevitable future. I’ve spun out and around a million times doubting myself and my babies needs, but still come back to the place where I lay down with him and nurse him into a sound and peaceful sleep every night.
I’ve felt moments of such darkness along the way, crawling out of my skin from the discomfort of this new, soft body of mine, and the feeling that I’ll never be alone again, and the loss of the self I was before. Nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for this.
Finding your blog has been the single most helpful thing Ive found since having my baby. You’ve given me permission to feel everything I feel and you’ve reminded me that I’m not alone in all of these feelings.
Just wanted to say thank you so much.
–Chelsea
Taiyo
Thursday, 10 March, 2016 at 2:48It felt like we ran the gamut for awhile there. The first three months our LO was up every 2 hours for at least an hour if not longer and never napped. She was sleeping maybe six out of every 24 hours. Then she started napping and would sleep 4-5 hrs before needing a bottle and then another 2-3. Sometimes now we get lucky and she sleeps through the night (if we can call until 6 am through the night, which I’m willing to do), but every once in awhile she will not sleep unless I’m holding her (generally when she’s sick or (as we figure) has a bad dream). She’s 8 months now and I found this thread on another night that I had to cuddle her for two hours because she would not sleep if she wasn’t touching me. The first three months I was an absolute basket case because she constantly needed to be held or she would cry. I would lie there and try to sleep but couldn’t because my brain kept waiting for her to wake up. Now I cherish those nights when she wants to be held (usually once a week, sometimes less) for a couple of hours because I know the day will come when she won’t want sleepy time cuddles from mommy. I used to wonder what was wrong with us that our baby wouldn’t sleep … now sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me because I actually miss having to hold her and cuddle her so she would.
Ruth
Wednesday, 30 March, 2016 at 15:31OMG!! I’m not alone!!! Finally a fellow bitch that understands. I know no one, NOT ONE OTHER female that has the sleep deprevation I do. No one understands it until they live it. I have four kids 7 and under. I haven’t slept in 7 years !!!
Thank you for sharing.
Annika
Tuesday, 5 April, 2016 at 6:11I was googling “does anybody NOT have their baby sleep trained” and came across your article! Loved it! I was feeling guilty for my 15 week old sleeping wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I. Am. So. Tired. I know i only have one and it has only been 15 weeks. We tried the “lay her down every 2 hours” but how do you MAKE a baby sleep? Now i can see when she is tired and i just rock her till she sleeps, then usually my husband or i sit or also sleep with her in our arms. Except at night, there she goes in her bed. Anyway i found your writing honest, hilarious and refreshing. Juat what i needed while my babe sleeps in my arms. We are all in this together! 🙂
Amanda
Saturday, 16 April, 2016 at 22:08Thanks. I needed that today. I got to read it because I am up, and everyone is asleep, and our internet is working. (The quiet!) But thanks.
Liezl Veiga
Sunday, 8 May, 2016 at 11:38Thanks so much for this article. Been feeling the social pressure of “your baby is 10 months and still wakes you up at night?” and I respond, “I have no goddam idea because I effing sleepwalk to his cot, turn off the monitor, pick him up and snuggle into the spare bed in his room and wake up there in shock at 5am, so piss off.” Thanks again for letting me be reminded that there is a new ‘normal’ 🙂
Ashley
Saturday, 21 May, 2016 at 21:28Oh my goodness!! If this wasn’t the perfect post!! Lol I do know the feeling and pressure! I have a 15 month and a newborn now one month and I just don’t know how I’m going to surviving!! Lol!! I promise I have this crazed look in my eyes at this point!! I’m not even sure how I was actually working before this one! But I mean my one year is suddenly so “turnt” these days!! Especially when my husband is home!! The sleep training just never worked! Not to mention Jr can get out of the crib now!! It’s like I can’t win but heck if all of us in one bed equals sleep then so be it!!! Lol
Thanks for this post! It gave me a good laugh because it’s so relatable and honest!
Ruthy
Tuesday, 24 May, 2016 at 11:05My child is 16 months and still doesn’t asleep through the night. He did maybe 3 times when he was like 4 months old and then teething started. Dr. Sears says maybe when he’s 3. So only 2 more years. Haha.
R
Saturday, 28 May, 2016 at 6:21Lovit that all 3 have slept willingly for 16 hrs per day and sleep trained.. Never had to let them cry themselves to sleep either.. so fuck all u do gooder mums that think that they’re superior to any other..
Tiredmom
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 23:48I needed this article tonight as I desperately tonight. Thanks
Carolann Nelson
Tuesday, 5 July, 2016 at 13:05This made my whole day. It is not helpful in the slightest, but laughed and felt the love of sleep-deprived solidarity.
Thank you 🙂
Abbey
Wednesday, 3 August, 2016 at 5:53This is the best thing I could read right now as I sit here 1hr later still trying to make my tired 9month old baby sleep while wanting to cry scream at the same time.
I am so glad for this
Samantha D
Wednesday, 3 August, 2016 at 20:35I completely love your post. I was told by my friends, my boss, and my family that I was “spoiling him” and basically ruining his life life by not sleep training him.
You know what? I just couldn’t stomach leaving him alone to cry and cry until I “succeeded” by him giving up and realizing his cries for me were useless. For parents who chose that? I really do not judge, it probably will make them better sleepers so I applaud your resolve.
But my little man is 19 months now and starting falling asleep on his own at 12 months. And I didn’t have to “train” him he started doing it when he was READY! And if your child still isn’t? SO WHAT!?
Kylie
Saturday, 3 September, 2016 at 7:23I am struggling so bad with this at the moment. My 2nd child and second diabolical sleeper is waking between 10-30 times a night. I am beyond tired as this has been going on since birth. I have been trying to wait it out as our daughter turned the corner at 12-14 months but now I am feelings aggressive and frustrated towards my beautiful baby. He wakes and sleeps in intervals of 10-20 mins every night with random bi-weekly gifts of a two hour block. He has been in his cot/in my bed/ rocked/ patted/ sleep trained (intensively for 6 weeks) all of which have changed nothing but left me a shattered shell of a human being with a bucket load of self loathing for feeling the way I do about my baby. Your post helps a bit but I read of ‘bad sleepers’ waking 5-6 times a night and this would be an amazing night for me. I don’t care what I have to do because I can’t go on like this. Does anyone feel like this and do you have any avenues I could turn to in this situation? Please, if you do I need your help
Miss G
Thursday, 10 November, 2016 at 0:13Oh mama, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you’re breastfeeding then bedsharing is probably your best bet right now; at least is baby wakes, he can conceivably latch on and nurse himself back to sleep.
If he’s formula fed, or takes a bottle, is it possible for a partner or trusted family member/friend to give you a night off occasionally? Like, go sleep at your mom’s or something while she’s on baby duty? This isn’t a long term solution, obviously, but getting a decent sleep once a week or so will at least help you deal with things better. Definitely lean on your support group
Also, have you seen a pediatrician about your baby’s super frequent wakings? Is it possible gas or reflux or some other discomfort is waking him? I realize you’ve probably already gone down this avenue, but if not, it’s worth looking into. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice to offer, I hope things change soon for you *hugs*
lizzie
Friday, 9 September, 2016 at 9:45So glad I found this. Currently sitting with my second baby now 10 months who is unbelievably even more determined than his sister was to only sleep on me. Occasionally he sleeps 40 minutes in his bedside cot but generally this is getting less.
I was starting to get dragged down both by tiredness and the growing comments from mums etc about bad habits and this post has restored my belief that a) it’s not just me and b)its ok. Its not a failure. Its just what he needs and that’s ok.
And so glad to find someone else expressing that need to occasionally just not have anyone touching me or grabbing me even just for a short time!
Thank you!
mike miller
Tuesday, 4 October, 2016 at 18:03Wow good writing. Thanks. Ive been driven out of the house screaming because im getting too mad. I haave to leave. Yelling go the fuck to sleep!!!! Is not good not good doesnt work. Not good . And i google go the fuck to sleep. And now i feel better. Thank you.
And wow good writing.
Elizabeth Kendall
Sunday, 16 October, 2016 at 17:10My daughter is starting to try to break the ‘Nia is sleeping on my chest every night in the living room on the couch and now I think she needs to be in the crib” I gave her my grandma advise, which I am proud to say matched with your Sleeping Losers advice a lot.
When I saw your site and the article that you wrote about the sleeping transition I was first, hysterically laughing, and then sent it to my son in law to read first before he read it to my daughter so she didn’t NOT hear or see (if she read it first) the fabulous truth and she only picked up on the loser part (which is something she would do) ANY way, THANK you. I’ve subscribed. Your writing is fabulous. LOVE IT.
Liz Kendall Grandma
Gee
Thursday, 20 October, 2016 at 3:16You my friend are the arsehole for writing this post! Looser
Nicole
Tuesday, 25 October, 2016 at 22:19Thank you!
My son is 10 months old, and has slept terribly the whole time.
I’m sick of hearing all of the lovely advice (have you tried formula?) or people telling me how their baby only slept ten hours last night and they’re just exhausted.
Thanks for not pretending to be the cyborg mom who knows everything.
Brandi
Thursday, 3 November, 2016 at 10:30I love everything about this. Word for word you described my life. Thank you.
Kristy
Wednesday, 9 November, 2016 at 21:58Thank you so much for posting this. I get judged so harshly from friends and family, and other moms who have sleep trained. Am I jealous that their baby sleeps away from them even during the day? HELL YES but you know what? This won’t last forever, the nighttime snuggles, the daytime struggles of having to pee but when will he wake up? It’s a huge win in the arse but it won’t be forever. He has terrible reflux since day 1 and was tiny (4lbs 11oz) when we brought him home so he slept on our chests for the first 3 weeks. We vowed not to cosleep, but I needed to. Lack of sleep brings out the angry side in me and you do what you have to to survive until it’s no longer working for either of you. Wish us luck! After the holidays he’ll be moving into his own bed!
Christina
Tuesday, 15 November, 2016 at 20:55Love!!!
Sara
Sunday, 27 November, 2016 at 21:26Thank you! I really needed to read this. Gave into pressure to let my 9 mo cio tonight. After all was quiet. Went to check on her and she was slumped against the crib softly crying. I will go by my instinct and everyone else can back off. Never again.
Prema
Monday, 5 December, 2016 at 13:00Hi Sara,
I too did the same thing with my 9 month old son and did it for three awful days and still regret ever going against my instinct. It’s been such a challenge getting my so to sleep and nap but I just am trying to remind myself that this won’t be forever. It really helps to know I’m not alone. Your post and this article definitely have helped with that! 🙂
Becky
Monday, 2 January, 2017 at 19:17I came across the brilliant article, while googling “my 13 month old will only sleep on me”- every single thing about this article is me, to a T. The whole “winging it” thing, yet feeling mildly guilty/lazy, judged, and oh SO tired, but trying to soak in every minute. I have a 5 and 3 year old, as well, and our house is madness. Sometimes I just cannot WAIT until they are all self-sufficient, but 90 percent of the time, I want them to stay little, bright-eyed, curious, sweet, and NEED me! I know that is not possible, and so selfish to say, but it’s all going by so damn fast. After reading this, I’m going to stop beating myself up so much. It’s so wonderful and relieving to know that I’m not the only one out there “winging it” with my babies! Thank you!!!!
Elizabeth Kendall
Tuesday, 3 January, 2017 at 10:15I’ve responded to this article before, and I tell every new mom and grandma about Renegade Mothering, which is brilliant. I wrote last time that my daughter whose daughter was about 5-6 months old at that time, she’s 9 months old now, and how much craziness was going on about NIA (the baby) sleeping with her. Well, it’s starting again. In some ways, it would be better if she slept in the crib because my daughter would get a break, and wouldn’t be as trapped into Nia’s sleeping. But on the other hand, as Becky wrote, they grow up so fast and it’s so wonderful to beable to snuggle as long as possible if possible. My daughter is now trying the FERBER method????? Well, it’s a gift to have parents that love their children and care for them.
NOT every parent does-
Nnn
Monday, 16 January, 2017 at 13:49Both my boys were sleeping through the night since about 2 months old. That means about 9pm to 5am. Later on the 6 month mark, mostly 8pm to 7am. No lies. My youngest, now almost 2, still sleeps between 8-9pm until 6h30-7am. The key is routine. Babies all have their own internal clock, study it to find out the times. Write it down and follow it closely. Adapt it as they grow. Quite simple. My kids never cry themselves asleep alone, never. If they call me I go to them.
Brittani
Thursday, 2 February, 2017 at 20:32What do you mean follow their internal clock closely? How do you do that really? I am curious, my baby seems to be more of a night owl and I tend to be lazy so I was letting her stay awake with stimulation until like 1 in the morning.
I finally said that had to stop and have since adopted a routine and pushing bedtime earlier, now she’s sleeeping by 10:30 but I’m still slowly working to get it more around 8.
Krista
Wednesday, 18 January, 2017 at 10:56God I love this article! With a 22 month old in between my husband and I nightly and a 1 month old in a bassinet next to our bed I keep thinking “why the $&!* didn’t we sleep train?” And then my toddler snuggles into me and I remember why: the snuggles. They’re the best. I know in the coming months we’ll get her a bigger bed of her own and she’ll stop needing to snuggle to sleep and I’ll miss those sleepy cuddles with her because sometimes that’s all the cuddle time we get.
Brittani
Thursday, 2 February, 2017 at 20:30I love that there are more of you who stay awake once the baby is asleep. It’s the only time during the entire day I feel completely free to just sit and stare or do whatever without worrying about a little person. That’s actually what I’m doing now, my 6 month old finally went to sleep at 10:30 and I’m exhausted, but I want my moment.
I also love wanting to punch your partner in their snoring nose. I’ve felt that way so many times but I know it’s my fault. For one I’m the only one who can feed because I hate pumping and have no milk… and for two he does have to go to work. It sucks being the only one able to get her to sleep and wake up with her all night. Sometimes it’s 2 times sometimes it’s 10. Either way usually every 3 days I reach a point of unhealthy exhaustion.
Thanks to anyone who read my long winded whine.
Your MOM
Wednesday, 22 February, 2017 at 21:01I put my first newborn, completely healthy baby boy, in his OWN crib at 4 weeks. Why? Because I watched as my mom raised my brothers. Cribs are boundaries. They establish order in an otherwise chaotic environment. Parents have their bed and a baby needs its own. End of story. Did my kids cry? Of course. Did I come to their aid? Yes. But after it all plays out, baby sleeps in baby’s room and Mommy sleeps in her room. It’s not 1881. We don’t live in a one room farm house.
My second child was sick. He had a heart defect. He stayed close.
After we established that he was stable, I began the process of involving him his own sleep environment. With baby monitor always blaring, I observed him cautiously from a distance and continued this practice well beyond the usual time frame. Crying was an issue because it could elevate his heart rate. Guess what? He slept better in his OWN environment than he ever would have with me hovering about, making noise and worrying.
The moral? Do what works for you, but don’t start any “routines” (aka the bullshit known as co-sleeping until age 11) that you aren’t willing to carry forth into well beyond their toddler years. Kids are predictable: they will take full advantage of your maternal instinct to baby them. Do not give into this. Make them independent. Let them be “them”.
Becky
Wednesday, 22 February, 2017 at 21:17Wow. Wasn’t aware that you could “baby” a baby. You seem really lovely.
renegademama
Wednesday, 22 February, 2017 at 21:33Lol, Becky. “You seem lovely.” Haha!
And yes. She’s a piece of work isn’t she? My favorite is how she says “do what works for you” then criticizes co-sleeping and tells people how to parent. And btw, I co-slept with all my kids for a long time and they’re all outrageously independent. That whole “make them independent” thing is a 1950s Dr. Spock wives’ tale. Our kids are independent when we meet their needs and support their development where they are. We get to judge how to best do that.
Becky
Thursday, 23 February, 2017 at 10:53I know! I was fuming when I read her post! I had SO much more to respond, i.e., “Thank God somebody FINALY debunked the whole “maternal instinct “myth!” Us mothers have been so naive! Those damn (and very manipulative) infants will no longer get the best of us!”
I decided to take the high road, and just tell her that she seems “lovely.” Someone that cold and non-self aware probably thought I was actually giving her a compliment. Her poor children!!
Christa
Sunday, 26 March, 2017 at 0:34Thanks Renegade mom an all of you who wrote how you are going through the same thing (co-sleeping, NOT sleeping, etc.). My daughter is 10 months old and wakes up 5+times a night and I’m so tired… And it makes it so much harder when I think I’m doing everything wrong and I’m making mistakes. It’s really good to hear that her sleeping ‘style’ is normal. I truely believe we’re giving our babies a true, strong sense of security by comforting them when they need it at all hours. I’m just scared it’ll never end!!!
Melissa
Tuesday, 28 March, 2017 at 8:50Great post! I was pressured too to sleep train as some moms around me had more sleep than me. But I personally could not do cry it out. I tried once and asked baby for forgiveness lol! I tried co sleeping as well but believe it or not she preferred to snuggle for a bit then wanted her own space. Which worked for my husband and I because we wanted the same thing too. I myself was never a cuddling person. She “sleeps” through the night at times and other times she wakes from time to time. Not even for a bottle, but for some extra snuggles and then back to sleep. I figure, do what works for your family. Do what gives you mama sleep. Baby sleep. And daddy sleep. As long as baby is thriving, put him/her on her belly, or give them a teddy. Let them roll on their sides. Every baby is different just as every adult is different. Find what works for everyone in your family. They are only so little once. One day, they will head to kindergarten and want to be independent. Then want nothing to do with you in their teens. Then they will leave to collage/university and you will never get that little age back. Enjoy this time.you wont always be sleep deprived. You will get sleep one day. Parenthood is a journey in itself. As I have heard many parents say, “This too shall pass.” You are never ever losers in MY eyes. But are strong, super champion women who are doing the best they can for their families! Cheers to all you amazing moms! You are all doing great!
Shaunessy
Thursday, 13 April, 2017 at 19:25I wanted to reach out to you and thank you for your blog. I am a first time mama to a four month old. The amount of ‘expert advice’ out there is overwhelming and I came across your site just when I needed it most. I am surrounded by moms who sleep train and share research articles on the evils of television and have text chats about whether pacifiers are good or bad and discuss how to wean six month olds from night time feeding etc etc etc. From the beginning I have tried to be intuitive about motherhood but fuck, it hasn’t been easy. Nothing like motherhood to really intensify your self doubt. My son and I sleep in the same bed and he breastfeeds anywhere between 2 and 5 times a night. I live in Canada and I have a year paid maternity leave. I can’t imagine spending my year any other way but it is lonely because there aren’t a lot of mom’s I know who share my style of motherhood. My partner is supportive and our extended family is too but sometimes you just need a girlfriend to shoot the shit with and not feel judged. Anyway, your blog makes me feel less alone. It’s like an echo of my heart. I’m sorry you have had a rough year. I hope you are finding a way through it all, it isn’t ever simple. Lots of peace and love.
Lisa
Monday, 17 April, 2017 at 20:52I needed this so much. My son just turned one and I have no idea what I’m doing. He doesn’t sleep in his cot, ever. He sleeps in our bed at night and during the day I do whatever works: pram, car, rocking. Today he decided none of these would work and just screamed. So here he is in my arms, the little terror that I absolutely adore.
Amelia
Friday, 28 April, 2017 at 19:40Thank you. I needed to read this tonight.
Jonas
Thursday, 11 May, 2017 at 13:56Sleep training is detrimental to your babies development.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201407/parents-misled-cry-it-out-sleep-training-reports
Jonas
Thursday, 11 May, 2017 at 13:59I co sleep and plan to until she’s two
Laura
Tuesday, 16 May, 2017 at 8:40Thank you for this post! I feel so alone in my struggle with refusing to let my baby cry it out and all of the judging by family and friends that comes with it. I needed this.
Gabi
Saturday, 20 May, 2017 at 13:33This was by far the most amazing thing I have read, thanks for giving a mother of a 13 month old hope that, it doesnt fucking matter, its what makes her finally get shut eye.
Courtney
Wednesday, 31 May, 2017 at 19:30THIS!! Thank you so much for this. I’ve felt so alone. A few close friends also have babies and apparently they’re unicorn children who sleep through the night, I’ve been too embarrassed to share my struggle and even told my husband yesterday “I must have held him too much in the beginning and that’s why he won’t sleep / be put down.” Thank you for giving this mama an “it’s going to be ok” deep breath and a laugh.
Rose
Monday, 5 June, 2017 at 0:04Thank you for this. I felt so alone with this issue.
Jeannie Marie
Saturday, 15 July, 2017 at 22:40I found this post when I googled “why the fuck won’t my 6 month old sleep?!” Thank you for this! I loved every word. And I laughed too which is something I needed right now.
Margaret
Monday, 7 August, 2017 at 0:24I was forever googling what to do to make my LO fall asleep alone. I stopped when I’ve finally found something that works. I love it because it’s short and because it’s an ebook so I could open it anytime in my phone. The title is “how to teach a baby to fall asleep alone” written by Susan Urban (www.parental-love.com ).
My son was pretty bad sleeper. I needed to rock him to sleep, feed him at night a few times for a long time and his naps lasted for 15-20 minutes. Because of so short naps he was tired and sleepy all day. I was tired and didn’t know what to do so I decided to try the HWL method from the guide. After a very short time, it was 3 or 4 days, my son started to nap for much longer and he finally was well rested. We got rid of night feedings and he was able to fall asleep on his own without rocking. Is that even possible? He even started to sleep in his own crib after 9 months of co-sleeping! WOW Every parent should read this ebook. Such a great help!
Sarah
Sunday, 13 August, 2017 at 11:32Thanks Margaret for sharing your story. I was looking for some help so after reading your comment I followed “How to teach a baby to fall asleep alone” guide and I wanted to give you some feedback 🙂 So the guide is great – short with clear instructions and what is the most important it has worked for my daughter! Nice :)Thanks so much for the ling
Martha
Tuesday, 15 August, 2017 at 5:30Great guide with great step by step instructions, thanks so much for sharing the title!
Donna
Sunday, 10 September, 2017 at 11:36Love this article 🙂
Got Urban’s guide – sleep trained my boy with it – love it because it has worked in 2 days 🙂 Thanks
Annie
Saturday, 29 December, 2018 at 14:19I’m Team Susan too! I only used it for my second child and how much I regret not know it sooner!
Brittany
Tuesday, 5 September, 2017 at 19:54You have no idea how much reading this just helped me… You hit the nail right on the damn head lol. I’m glad I’m not the only damn loser who hasn’t been able to sleep train not one but all three of her kids! Seriously going insane but at least now I know I’m not the only one going insane lol!
Vanessa
Friday, 20 October, 2017 at 11:43I swear this 4 month old has made me so happy that I waited until I was 30 to have my first kid and also reassured me that a second child was just plan stupid. I’m an asshole alright because I once read an article in the New York Times that read why married couples are happier without children and I still went and had my son. I love the heck out of him but now I have got myself in a pickle. I’m fucking tired, scratch that muthafucking exhausted. 16 week sleep regression can kiss my ass this baby is going to learn how to sleep in his crib now and we all thought it would be at 6 months huh.
Single father
Tuesday, 31 October, 2017 at 17:40I loved this. My 10 month old daughter has slept in my bed with me pretty much for the entire time. She still wakes up for bottles once or twice a night. But I’m lucky as she isn’t fussed about where she sleeps. Whether it be in my bed, her cot or my arms. Basically when she wants a bottle at night I do it. I do try a dummy first. But she tends to spit it out, throw it and scream. That does get to me she I’m half asleep. But I live her. I love having her in my bed. I get to wake up to a smile… Not every morning though. And its a great bonding strategy. The two of us are like this * crosses fingers*
Kara
Wednesday, 8 November, 2017 at 6:49please notify of new posts
Špela
Monday, 1 January, 2018 at 8:10I’m bookmarking this post for eternity and plan on sharing it with all of my english-speaking friends with small babies, no matter how well they happen to sleep. You have no idea how much better I feel every time I re-read this (I do it on a weekly basis. I have to.). Thank you so so SO very freakin’ much.
Heidi
Friday, 19 January, 2018 at 13:56Thank you for this post! I know it’s 3 years from when you first posted it, but I have an amazing/adorable/infuriating but perfect/nurse-all-the-night baby and it has really helped me when I feel like I must be the only one doing it this way and that I must be wrong or crazy.
I will carry on and NOT get with the program because as tiring as it sometimes is, I cherish being there for the little guy and don’t really want to change a thing.
I will re-read on a regular basis.
Roxanne
Sunday, 21 January, 2018 at 18:21Thank god im not the only one. Sometimes I feel like I’m insane and that I belong in a nutty house!! I think, we’ll it must be me because every 18 month old should be sleeping through the night, but my first daughter slept through the night at 3 months and I actually used to BRAG about it… BIG MISTAKE!! I said ah, first one was easy peasy, let’s have another!!!! But God said ILL TEACH YOU TO BRAG ABOUT YOUR BABY SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. This one wakes up twice a night like clockwork EVERY SINGLE NIGHT… doesn’t skip a night for weekends or holidays either. Has never slept a wink past 10 hours. All these mothers telling me my kid should be sleeping for 12 hours at least!!! It’s me, I give in to easily I’ve been told. Oh nothing about this is easy…. when your child does nothing but cry and cry for hours no matter how hard you attempt to rock, sing, or soothe them to sleep. He would scream for 3 hours if I allowed it. I find myself sobbing just as much as my child at times. My husband works so I am the one doing Alllll of the child duties. I’m at my wits end. Could be a phase like a read all about but I doubt it since even in the hospital as long as he wasn’t being held he was crying… literally. The 4/5 am wakings are the absolute worst. When your so tired your seeing cross eyed and your baby wants you to Stand, not sit directly next to, STAND, only stand next to his crib. God forbid I take a step forward to catch my balance, he’s screaming If I’m not STANDINg right next to his head at the crib… can’t stand by the feet has to be the head. Sleep training? Pschhh that was definitely invented by someone who had no children lolol. Or no eardrums…….. either or, I am envious of both! Ladies, it’s probably too late if your reading this article, but a word of advice: NEVER BRAG ABOUT YOUR BABY SLEEPING THROUGH THe NIGHT because God will punish you And give you one who NEVER SLEEPS. 🙂 rant over . Thanks for letting me vent!!! Woooo feel sooo much better LOVE this page!!!
Delisa
Friday, 16 March, 2018 at 8:35This was so funny! I laughed out loud and woke my 10 month old- that I was holding in my arms to take a nap- ugh! It says everything we “losers” feel all the time. There is always some standard im not meeting with my kids.. oh well, such is life. Lmao.
andrea
Tuesday, 3 April, 2018 at 18:15I found this after i googled “does anyone nurse their babies to sleep anymore” it seems like all my mama friends and their mamas and mamas have their shit together. but this article restored my sanity in that i DONT, and Im okay with it. most of the time… for now… thanks for the LOLs!
Lindsay Kolasa
Wednesday, 2 May, 2018 at 10:13EXACTLY
And, don’t forget paternity leave.
BTW: Why do we get on each other’s cases for sleep training/not sleep training when the real thing we should be fucking enraged insane livid pissed about is that WE HAVE NO FUCKING PAID MATERNITY LEAVE in this country?
Daniella
Saturday, 5 May, 2018 at 11:54Thank you for making me feel a great deal better! Everyday seems to be a battle against thoes who seem to follow all these rules to somehow have it all (seemingly) perfect just to set you up to look like a faliure.
Its a good day if i manage to shower , chores and anything else is a bonus! My 5 month old wakes so often to Bf at night that its completely exhausting ,most days i dont know my name let alone striving for a post baby body .
Sylvia
Tuesday, 8 May, 2018 at 12:45I love you! And totally agree with you! Yes, about of putting babies to sleep and teach them to fall asleep without problems. I came here, because I wanted to ask for a guide “How make a baby to fall asleep alone” by Susan Urban. Have you heard about this ebook? What are you thinking about? I found this blog http://www.parental-love.com. I will buy this one and How make breastfeeing, but Im just curious what you think about this? Regards! ????
Helen
Sunday, 9 September, 2018 at 16:35Hi Sylvia 🙂 I used this guide ‘how teach a baby to fall asleep alone’ with my second child and I can certainly recommend it to you! Thanks to him how my daughter was 4 months, I managed to teach her to sleep alone in a cot for children. In principle, I have all guides from Susan, recently came out 6 about the introduction of solid foods for children. There is truth, that woman knows all about baby things and transmits her knowledge in a simple way. Just remember that your child is an individual and you have to take care of the right approach and actually give the child chance to take everything from advices that Susan gives you. Good luck!
Sylvia
Friday, 12 October, 2018 at 10:46Thank you very much for your answer! I already have all of her guides! What to say, they act as a spell, lighten the mind, make you think differently. After applying her advice, I had no problem with breastfeeding, my baby when was 4 months old was sleeping alone in the crib all night long! I have already bought her all the guides, this new one too <3 Very, very strongly recommended! I think that person like Susan Urban and her ebooks really help motherhood 🙂
madeline
Saturday, 16 June, 2018 at 12:44I used this ebook for the first child. Since I got pregnant, I knew I would want to teach my child how to sleep. The effectiveness can be seen after a few days. With the second child, it was a bit harder, but after a few days we came to sleep after 9 hours without a break at night. Katy isn’t really a sleepy person and that’s why it’s a big success. I recommend buying this ebook, check also other ones from Susan Urban, because they are also valuable. I have everything 🙂 a small price for specific information in one place.
Raven
Wednesday, 8 August, 2018 at 5:40Oh my! I read this article and comments and after yours I bought How to teach baby to fall asleep from Susan Urban and I am asking why I didn’t hear about her early!!! This HWL method is without CIO so anyone who wants to start baby sleep training without charm, baby should try. Life is much better when your baby sleeps trough the night! We defeated problems like short naps, early morning or night awakenings and transitioning to a crib 😀 It’s fast and easy method, without cio and most importantthat ebooks are really cheap. We should make some Susan’s team 😀
Simonnett
Friday, 22 June, 2018 at 9:35OMG I can read myself talking. On the verge of loosing it and this saved me (and made me laugh) thank you!
Annie
Sunday, 22 July, 2018 at 11:15I have a 21 month old who sleeps in my bed. He only wakes twice for bottles with one and a half oz of water. That’s right, he still wants the damn thing even though it’s just water now. That didn’t work, the whole dwindle the bottle to just water thing. I’m facing potty training, sleep training and getting him in his own bed. I do this all alone. No husband to help. I’m tired. I’m a bitch. I have trouble. Thank you for letting me know that’s ok. I feel like a failure. Everyone else seems to have it all down. He still wants a bottle during the day I need to take them away but some days I just want to give him the fucking thing! Then I feel like a lazy failure of a mother.
Jeannie
Monday, 23 July, 2018 at 22:50Oh Annie. I’m so sorry. Hang in there, Mama. You’re doing great! One thing at a time. You are not a failure or lazy. Kids are cray. And they’re hard. Especially doing it on your own. Sending you hugs, strength and positive vibes. You’ve got this.
P.S. I sort of miss my little guy sleeping with me. He’s 18 months now. We just finally got him sleep trained about a month or two ago. AND he still takes a bottle 2-3 times a day. 🙂
Damion
Thursday, 11 October, 2018 at 14:09How’s the bottle thing going? My 21 month old sleeps in my bed as well. Has done so since pretty much birth. I’m also doing on my on. But she tends to sleep through the night. And I get rid of the bottle once she turned 1, by filling her up on weetbix before bed. Not sure if it will work for you or not. But if you’ve gotten rid of it by now, good job 🙂 can be tough
Megan Alexander
Tuesday, 31 July, 2018 at 13:00Finally, someone that tells the truth. I found this article/website by googling baby not sleeping at all is pissing me off. Glad I’m not alone.
Melanie
Thursday, 16 August, 2018 at 1:51I know what you’re telling, Girl! It made me nervous too. Just like the fact that my child didn’t sleep.. Fortunately, we already have this problem behind us!
Alex
Thursday, 30 August, 2018 at 23:55Thank you for this post… have a 9 month old who has given up sleeping. Completely. It blows. Nice to know were not alone in this world full of mothets who have their shit together and perfect babies….
Hawk’s Mommy
Sunday, 2 September, 2018 at 0:53I’ve never felt more inclined to post on a blog in my life. But I related so much to everything you said. I particularly like the “as you do that grab-and-roll thing to nurse on the other side“ because I do this! And reading about it made me feel somewhat normal. I love how I found this post typing “why wont my 6 month old fucking go to sleep!?” In my frustration and anger of actively trying to get my baby to sleep after what felt like days. Thank you so much for being so real and honest and raw about parenting. I was seriously feeling like a horrible person whenever I read blogs that sugar coated this shit.
Knackered
Saturday, 29 September, 2018 at 4:57Loser is being an asshole to the infant. Letting them cry because you’re anna get a fucking night of asleep. Isn’t that selfish??? Wait a fucking few months before ignoring the baby. At least don’t have a child if you think sleeping is way more important. The moment you had the kid your responsibilities change. So get “me me me me” out of your fucking head.
That said, I’m a full time working mother of 10 month old baby girl who started off as a really bad sleeper. In fact, there were times that I thought there’s no end to it. Guess who didn’t do sleep training. And guess whose baby started sleeping well on her own after 7-8 months?? Long time if your priority is “me me me me”
I was sleep completely deprived for the first 5 months. Having to go back to work was a monster of it’s own. But things started changing. Because I responded to her during the night, she started trusting me that I’ll be there no matter what. So she gradually started sleeping better with that comfort in mind.
So to the fuckfaces who think not-sleep-training = being a loser, you can kiss my full-time working, sleep deprived ass. Tata
Marsha
Wednesday, 10 October, 2018 at 17:55I found you through a desperate google search while listening to the baby scream for the second time tonight and you managed the magic trick of making me laugh out loud in the middle of this sweet hell, so THANK YOU
(And then in the end you made me cry, not in the OH GOD I CAN’T TAKE THIS KILL ME way I had been, but in the good I Feel Seen way. Thank you thank you. This is important work)
Shelby
Saturday, 20 October, 2018 at 14:27Sweet hell indeed! My daughter is 9mo. She only sleeps with me including all naps. Husband isn’t good enough. I love co-sleeping but I could do without lying/sitting/carrying her for every nap. Glad it’s not just me.
Grace
Wednesday, 17 October, 2018 at 13:15My 9 month old son sleeps on crib and wakes 2-3x for bottle feeding, sounds happiness? Noooo, he still can’t sleep on his own, i become a human cradle/swing every nap time and night sleep…so you see,, nothing is perfect, don’t be fooled by perfect internet mommas ???? they dont exist ????????
TooShy
Friday, 25 January, 2019 at 21:25Oh, I needed to read this so badly. I feel like a failure pretty much everyday because my almost 8-month old still takes all her naps on me. It’s driving me insane and I feel like the worst mother for letting it get to this point and I feel like all the moms I know successfully sleep trained months ago. Thanks for making me not feel so alone!
Brigitta
Tuesday, 5 February, 2019 at 3:53This was amazing. Thankyou Loser, you make me feel so so proud to be part of this loser family 🙂 I finally feel like I’m not alone in this opposition to let my baby cry it out. Thankyou thankyou thankyou you absolute legend of a human being!!!!! 🙂
Ali
Tuesday, 2 April, 2019 at 18:43I still nurse my 9 month old to sleep every night and every nap. Just wanted to say thank you for this article. All of our friends have sleep trained their babies to sleep through the night while our sweet gal still likes to have a “snuggle snack” 2+ times a night. I love the time I get with her. Same as others have said, I won’t be breastfeeding her I sleep in high school so I will cherish this time with her. I felt heard and understood with your post, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Yvette
Monday, 29 April, 2019 at 20:47This is marvelous. I relate to it so well, because once upon a time I struggled with feeling like an inadequate parent, because of a million things, sleep-training just one of them. My daughter was 4 when I had my son, and I was completely alone raising them. I went back to work when my son was 3 weeks old. He slept 1 night in his crib, when I was in the hospital, for his grandmother. They both slept in my bed. Now, I’m helping my daughter, who has a mental illness, raise her daughter, the most determined, intense little cuss ever born. She quit nursing at 3 months, because the bottle (at 108 lbs., my daughter had to supplement) was faster and she is a greedy little pig, and she has never slept well. St 8 months, we celebrate when she only gets up twice between 11 and 7. But this time I have no problem with a much more organic, flowing approach to the whole thing. This is life, not a Fortune 500 business. Thank you for being so down to earth and honest.
Jess
Friday, 3 May, 2019 at 11:29God I love this. I am such a loser who feeds her child to sleep for every nap and I am so tired but I wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact I spend every nap lying next to him so that’s basically my life at the moment. Feed, sleep, play, feed, sleep, play. I have read this post every day to give me strength. Thank you.
Kaitlyn
Friday, 10 May, 2019 at 4:29My husband took over the night feedings when I thought I was going to lose my mind from lack of sleep at 5 months. By 11 months he ended up (literally) in the psych ward. He slept for his first 18 hours there. (The doctor had to check that he was breathing he was so deeply asleep.) Oh, and we had sleep trained for 2 straight months prior to that.
Yeah, we won’t be having anymore babies ever again.
Nic
Monday, 22 July, 2019 at 9:35Hell yea this is accurate. July 2019. My LO won’t sleep without me and I just want my space and time, even if it’s only at night. OMG SOS
Jessie
Tuesday, 24 September, 2019 at 1:59This blog is seriously saving me. My littlest wakes up all the time and my new favorite thing to do is read all of your blogs while I’m rocking him endlessly all hours of the night. Thank you it’s so wonderful feeling/knowing your not alone – this is normal – this is life. Thank you.
Kimberly
Thursday, 10 October, 2019 at 18:32Thank. You. Found this post as I googled “cosleeping one year miserable”. This gave me perspective and sanity and justification for all of the feelings. <3
Rachel
Monday, 21 October, 2019 at 19:42My 22 month old still nurses at night and co sleeps and can’t fall asleep on her own. Baby due soon. What will we do? Only heaven knows….
We just roll
Rafa the Dad
Saturday, 2 November, 2019 at 17:50First of all thank you for the post. I really needed that. It actually motivated me to stop listening to all the sleep training crap people recommend and try to come up with some changes on our own.
All the sleep training that we tried with our 8 MO daughter failed. But today my kid slept thought the night !!!
After having to wake up every 40 minutes to put the pacifier back on her mouth for months I was so desperate I made several changes at once. Not sure which of them made it work.
Changes I made:
1 – Threw all the pacifiers in the trash. Yeah the first 2 days / nights are complete misery. But to be frank, not very different from the usual.
2 – Moved her from our bedroom to a crib on a separate bedroom. We were very unsure how that would work since she needed us 20 times per night.
3 – Left her room completely dark and tried to avoid any noise during the night (left the dishes to be done tomorrow, for example)
4 – Placed a thermal blanket on the crib. Those ones that feels good to sleep on it.
A couple of times I could hear she would wake up and cry for like 5 seconds and then resume sleeping on her own. She never did that before, it’s almost like there is another baby in the room!
We still need to rock her to put her to sleep but as long as we just need to do it once at night I don’t mind rocking her until she is 30 years old.
After so much pain I’m afraid to give myself hope that tonight she is going to sleep well too.
So the bottom line is: sleep training is not the only solution around. You know your kid better than anyone. Keep trying and everything will be sorted out!
Tired momma
Thursday, 5 December, 2019 at 19:56Found this while I lay in bed (10 month old attached, of course) trying to put baby to sleep and just as I get to your “ that flip you do” it’s what I’m doing. Now I’m laughing and crying because I’m not the only Loser. Where have you been!??
Leanne Robinson
Monday, 6 January, 2020 at 15:40Thank you. I found this after searching google at 5 AM for “does god give you two babies that don’t sleep”. I don’t even believe in god and our baby is 2.5. And we only have one. I want another, but I don’t want to die.
Jazmon
Thursday, 9 January, 2020 at 22:43I have never resonated with a blogpost as much as I did with this one
Currently, I’m a new mom breastfeeding my 2 month old laying next to me. I’m hoping he sleeps soon. I’ve never been so relieved to be a loser until now.
Kassandra
Sunday, 8 March, 2020 at 12:45I thought I was alone and insane until I read this. THANK YOU for writing this.
Lindsay
Sunday, 22 March, 2020 at 23:20As I sit here at 2 am nursing my daughter for what feels like the 100th time tonight, reading this post had taken a weight off my shoulders. She will not sleep without me, rarely naps unless held, and I was starting to feel like shit parent after reading way too many articles online. Thank you.
Brittany
Thursday, 19 August, 2021 at 15:58So thankful I’m not, I guess the only loser who can’t or hasn’t sleep trained. I go to pediatrician appointments and am told not to co-sleep but excuse me for trying to be able to keep my shit together during the day to work and take care of my psychotic child as well as get SOME sleep during the night whilst slipping my nipple for the millionth time into her mouth. I’m to the point of napping in bed crib while trying to crawl out and wake her up the minute she falls asleep. I whisper to myself all day long wtf am I doing because my other daughter seemed so easy and maybe god thought I got off “too easy” but he’s really testing me out it’s this one. I’ve googled everything I could think of, why won’t my 9 month old drink from ANYTHING and I mean anything, a bottle, a sippy bottle, a sippy cup, a 360 sippy or cups with straws and the only thing she WILL try drinking from is a cup so that all liquids purely drowned her everytime she tries to quench her thirst not from my boob. Why won’t my 9 month old sleep in her crib, when will my daughter decide she can go 8 seconds without needing to see me before she thinks I’m going to disappear into thin air. I’m beginning to think it might not be her but me. I can’t take the crying, the suffering look she gives me as though she’s about to die, her loud and faint screams as she yells so slowly MOMMA at me. I feel like such a terrible human being.
Toni
Thursday, 6 January, 2022 at 2:43I just want you to know that HOLY FUCK are you relatable. I’m reading your article at 3 am when I finally got my 10 month old to bed by only cuddling him (as usual). I searched for ways to sleep train him and did you ever deliver. When I first started this read I was shocked. When I continued I couldn’t stop. Everything you said was point blank and so true. Every single word I couldn’t help but relate and it was definitely the way you started the article that I couldn’t help but continue! I would love if you reached out to me! You have my email. Do it if you want a lame ass friend from Canada.
Shaely
Friday, 4 March, 2022 at 10:57Idk when this was written and if it’s still relevant and I also don’t know if it’s the sleep deprivation or what but I’m sitting here crying after reading this. So, thanks? Or damn you? Idk anymore
Noneya
Tuesday, 19 April, 2022 at 4:20As a parent who is on week 2 of no sleep after my child inexplicably has stopped sleeping at 1 yo, I managed to make it through maybe a paragraph of this article and all I can say is you sound like a stupid bitch.
Amanda
Monday, 8 August, 2022 at 6:52I googled “Why the f%* won’t my baby sleep” in complete despair in the middle of the night and found your blog. Thank you. Exactly what I needed!
Monique
Thursday, 1 June, 2023 at 5:54I needed this article so badly. Lying next to my soon to be 8mo crying cause she wakes up every 45-120min and won’t sleep unless she feels my nipple in her mouth. She isn’t hungry. She doesn’t eat. She just needs to feel it on her lips. I feel so exhausted. We’ve gone from one “sleep problem” to another. We had months of only sleeping on my chest. Months of only falling asleep on my lap. Months of waking up when being put down. And here we are, I’m co-sleeping (on a separate mattress on the floor next to our bed) with my boob out so she can latch on when she wakes. I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again. And then my husband sits and reads or watches tv till midnight and I’m like wtf!? You have the ability to sleep. Why are you choosing to be awake?