Welcome to yet another FTM Friday post on Saturday, after a 5-week hiatus. Yay!

Anyway, as you may know, back in January I set out on my chemical-free body care quest. Most of it has gone well. Two areas of have not gone well: Hair and armpits.

Not my hair in my armpits. I deal with that little problem just fine using a few small blades.

The hair on my head is problem #1. I tried substituting baking soda and apple cider vinegar for shampoo/conditioner and it was a disaster for 2 months. I’ll revisit that attempt when I’ve got a little more time.

Disaster number 2 was deodorant. I’ve tried so many goddamn deodorant recipes. I mean a lot, people. At least ten. My results  fell into two categories:

1. Deodorant did not work and I smelled like a dirty ass hippie after a Phish show.
2. Deodorant worked beautifully but gave me a horrendous rash.

I’ve tried clay, baking soda, arrowroot powder. I’ve tried probiotics. I’ve tried shea butter, cocoa butter, coconut oil, aloe gel and ever combination of the above. I’ve tried every fathomable combination of essential oils. People have told me I should become a vegan and I won’t need deodorant. Yeah, sorry. Not that committed.

Everything I made, EVERYTHING, fell into one of the two categories.

Until now.

Two weeks ago, my dear friend Theresa posted something on Facebook that changed my life. Well, as far as armpits go. Not only does it work (read: I am not stank ass), it is cheap, VERY CHEAP, and about as natural as it comes.

Honestly, it almost pisses me off, it’s so simple. I really wanted to discover the perfect deodorant recipe and feel all badass telling you about it, but alas, one more Janelle failure for the books.

You know what works better than anything I’ve ever used?

A FUCKING LEMON.

Yes, that’s right. LEMON.

Not lemon plus arrowroot powder and shea butter and whatever the hell, just lemon. As in, cut a slice of lemon and rub it on your pits and move on.

Not only do I not stink all day, I don’t stink in the morning when I wake up.

I don’t have any rash ever.

And I know I’m not hurting my body.

I can’t believe it, still. No joke, this works better than ANY deodorant I’ve ever used in my life, even the chemical-ridden ones.

Never going back, people.

And every morning, when I rub lemon on my armpits (yes, it stings a little if you it after shaving), I think to myself “You are a total fucking hippie, Janelle, but at least you don’t smell like one.”

And then somehow I feel better.

Hello…FTM Friday! Remember me?

Yeah, I don’t either. Whatever.

So this week we’re going to A.) Move away from body products (but only temporarily! I have way more recipes people.) and B.) Pretend like it hasn’t been three weeks since I did one of these posts.

Mmmkay?

And now you must get really, really freaking excited, cause I’m going to share with you a recipe for laundry detergent. Now, most of the recipes here on FTM Friday are of the chemical-free variety. This one is more of the cheap-as-hell variety. Check it out: Since January, I’ve spent approximately $8.00 on laundry detergent. Put that in your pipe and fucking smoke it.

(the concept, not necessarily the laundry detergent.)

Anyway I haven’t done a bunch of research on Fels Naptha or Zote soap, borax or washing soda, so I really don’t know how many chemicals are in them. I do know, however, that I cannot afford the organic chemical-free kind (can anybody?) and I’m SURE there are fewer chemicals in this stuff than the cheapest brand at Costco (which is the alternative for me).

So this stuff is super cheap, works well (my husband is an ironworker. The man is dirty.), and does not destroy HE washers. I did research this stuff in advance to make sure it works for HE washers, and everybody said “yes,” but I wanted to give it a few months so I could report back to you.

Anyway here’s the recipe. DO IT.

Stop being a lazy ass and fucking TRY IT.

(I got the recipe from this website, which is rad by the way, but I double the recipe and added a bit of essential oil, cause I’m wild like that.)

Homemade Laundry Detergent

–          2 Bars (14 oz) Fels-Naptha or Zote Soap

–          4 C Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda (not baking soda people)

–          4 C Borax

–          Some lavender essential oil (I dunno, 40 drops?)

So the first thing you do is get your food processor out. Apparently you can grate the soap by hand but SCREW THAT NOISE. I’d rather pay the extra $20. Anyway I’ve tried both Fels-Naptha and Zote soap. I prefer the Fels-Naptha because it grates easier in the food processor. However, the Zote is pink. So honestly, it’s a bit of a toss-up.

Also, this recipe makes enough detergent for a few months. I’m not interested in getting my food processor out every 2 months, so that’s that. Cut it in half if you just want to try it.

Anyway cut the soap into three of four pieces and use the “pulse” setting to grate them. Make them small (see photo). I don’t know, like steel-cut oat size? Whatever. Then stir it up with the borax and washing soda. Then use it. I use 2 tablespoons for standard nastiness and up to 4 for “What the fuck happened here” loads.

Also, I also used a recipe that was 1 to 1 to 1 (1 bar soap, 1 cup borax, 1 cup washing soda). That worked just as well, but I thought I’d share this one with you since it’s the one I’m currently using. Try both of them, use your favorite.

The point here is that we become more self-sufficient, more chemical-free, and more economically sound.

So quit your goddamned whining and make some laundry soap.

Where the hell do I find this crap? Well, if you don’t mind burning eternally in HELL, you can get it all at Walmart. If you’re in California, CVS drug stores sell it. Maybe Target? Haven’t looked there. Do not buy it off Amazon. The bastards charge obscene amounts. If you know where to buy this other than Walmart or CVS, please comment and share your knowledge.

And you know I love you. I only talk like this because I care.

Now fucking do it.

It’s a family affair! Bonding! Time together!

(No seriously the stirring sucks. Make somebody else do it.)

So it appears I will write my FTM Friday posts on any day other than Friday, and I most likely won’t do it weekly?

WILL I EVER BE ORGANIZED PEOPLE, EVER?

Oh whatever. Fuck the man. Go hard or go home. Live on the edge.

Et cetera.

Speaking of on-the-edge-living, how about some coconut milk body wash?

And…she turns in her badass card.

Whatever. Even rebels need body wash.

Ok so here’s the story behind this recipe. As part of the Great Shampoo Recipe Search of 2013, I came across this recipe for coconut milk shampoo (also linked below) and I was all “Oh em gee I have found my life force,” but unfortunately it turned my hair into something along the lines of greasy bamboo. Hmmmm. Not sure from whence that one came, but I can dig it.

I’ve learned that any shampoo with castille soap equals tragedy for my noggin. Sucks.

Anyway it totally didn’t work for my hair, but the recipe said you could use it as a body wash too, so I did.

And it worked for my body. Also my face. I use this on my body instead of soap. Between the body scrubs and this, I haven’t used soap since I went crunchy back in 2008. I’m kidding. It was January. Of this year.

I find this stuff luxurious and wonderful. You could make it as a gift for a friend or be selfish like me.

Please note that you can use whatever scents you want. I like tea tree.

I also think tea tree keeps bacteria down.

Also, if you use a whole can of coconut milk, you’re going to get a LOT of body wash. My recommendation is to put it in 2-3 containers and keep one in your shower. The others should stay in the fridge. Also, I add vitamin E because not only is it good for the skin, it also keeps bacteria from growing. I have had no mold issues with any of my products, but one of my homegirls out on the East coast had a problem with funky shit growing in her hand salve.

I told her it was an East coast thing so she should probably move here. You know, in the interest of hand salve.

So here you go. Coconut Milk Body Wash. (Adapted from here.)

Live it. Love it.

1/4 cup coconut milk

1/3 cup castille soap

1 tsp vitamin E (or 2 if you omit the almond oil)

1 tsp almond oil (or 2 if you omit the vitamin E)

15-20 drops essential oil(s)

1-2 tsp vegetable glycerin (optional – add for a thicker wash)

Put it all in your container. Shake. Use. Move on.

Xoxoxo

Fuck the man!

Yay, FTM Friday on a Saturday! I love you!

I’m happy to back. I hate studying for comprehensive exams. I’m never reading another piece of literature. ever ever as long as I live. I hate literature.

And…I’m baack.

So good to see you.

Soon, as you may have noticed, the FTM situation is a little different on the blog. The FTM posts now publish on a separate page, which you can access in the menu on the left. It’s a long story, but I thank my friend Katie, who blogs here, for making that story happen.

And now. Face wash.

Check it out, one of the things that threw me into the world of renegade body products (Where do I come up with this shit? I mean seriously, renegade body products? I embarrass myself.) is the fact that face wash is SO expensive, and it just seems to result in the need for MORE products. Ya feel me? I mean you need one product to remove mascara/make-up. You need another product to wash your face. You need moisturizer. BUT, if you’re like me, your skin is always changing; read: sometimes I have acne. Other times it’s dry like the damn Mojave.

So you end up with like seventy five products, all of which are expensive.

But not now. Now I have 2, maybe 3 products, but I rarely use them all and they are cheap. Cheap. Cheap.

When I tell you this you may freak out, and that’s cool. This is freak-out safe zone. We’re all friends here.

I wash my face with a mixture of olive oil and castor oil. And it works. It works as well as the expensive stuff I bought. Maybe better. But definitely as good and it’s chemical free, and probably an 1/8 of the price.

So I read this post at Crunchy Betty (she’s like amazeballs, by the way) and I’m all “Wow, that sounds weird. That chick’s weird.” But I had already determined to get all hardcore up in here, so I made a mixture of 1/2 olive oil and 1/2 castor oil, then I threw in some tea tree because I have acne-prone skin, and I starte

d using it at night.

I lightly wet my face. I put about a quarter-sized amount of the wash in my palm then massage it into my face while running the super hot water. When it’s hot, I wet a washcloth completely, wring it out a bit, and lay it on my face for 20 seconds or so, then I gently rub the oil off my face.

ingredients, sans the boy

My face is clean, moisturized, soft, and it removes my eye make-up.

Apparently this is called the “oil cleansing method.” I would like to call it the “Fuck Yeah Cleansing Method.”

I do this at night, when I really want that “deep clean” (to remove make-up, dirt, sweat, depression and general malaise). When I’m washing my face quickly (because yes, sometimes 1 minute is too long of a face-washing commitment), I use a coconut body/face wash I’m going to share with you next week. PROMISE.

So people, try it. But first, read the post by Crunchy Betty (yes, I linked it TWICE). It explains all the different types of oils you can use and the benefits of each for different types of skin. I use olive as my “carrier oil,” and the castor oil is critical – you have to have it. I buy mine on Amazon. But you can use jojoba, almond, avocado, and many more. But you have to use the castor. That’s what’s really cleaning your face.

And you adjust the ratio based on your skin type: more castor for oilier skin, less for dryer skin. So I’ve actually made a couple variations to use during different times of the month, when my, um, fucking horrible hormones ruin my mood, body, skin, and life.

So here you go. Try it. You’ll love it. Or you won’t. But if you do you’ll have found a chemical-free, inexpensive, super effective  make-up remover/face-cleansing method. (Also, did you know you can just use coconut oil or olive oil to remove eye make-up? I will NEVER buy make-up remover again. Ever. Oil works so much better.)

“Fuck Yeah Face Wash”

Oily skin: 2/3 castor oil in whatever container, 1/3 olive or other carrier oil (almond, jojoba, grapeseed, etc.)

Dry skin: 1/3 castor oil; 2/3 olive oil (or other carrier)

“Normal” skin: ½ and ½ baby!

Not gonna lie, I feel like I’m going something nice for myself when I do this. It feels like a mini-facial. Only cheaper. And more green.

Whatever. It’s rad. Try it.

Let me know what you think.

You may not believe that hand salve can change lives. You may not see it. You may think I’m exaggerating.

BUT YOU’D BE WRONG.

Okay fine I’m exaggerating. But not much.

This stuff has cured eczema (my friend swears by it). It has removed chronic dry hand/cuticle/elbow problems (my own). It fixes cracked lips. It makes hands soft in the dead of winter (well, California winter, but whatevs.). It feels luxurious and wonderful.

It made my grandmother’s hands feel better.

So I will stop there. Because there is nothing more.

It sells in hippie stores for $15.00. We’re going to make it for like $2.00 (and that’s mostly the container).

And the best part? You can make it with three ingredients, or you can go nuts, and, just like the lip balm and body scrubs, short of dumping the entire olive oil bottle into your mixture, you pretty much can’t destroy it. This salve is actually what started me on my Homemade Body Product Path to Madness. I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat.

I mean I MADE HAND SALVE. You don’t just move on from that realization like it’s nothin.

Or maybe some people do. Let’s change the subject.

Anyway, as I learned from this post from Wellness Mama, this salve is composed of three base ingredients: almond or olive oil, coconut oil and beeswax. She calls it “lotion” but really it’s salve.

From there, you can get all crazy and shit: add essential oils, Shea or cocoa butter (I rarely use cocoa butter because it smells like chocolate, which I want to eat, not wear), Vitamin E, lanolin, tea tree.

Infuse the oil with herbs. (oh yeah, I went there. I’ve done it.)

Hello, my name is Janelle and I have infused olive oil with calendula flowers, lavender and comfrey.

I feel better having admitted that. We’ll talk about infusion later. For now, I give you this recipe. This is my favorite one of the blends I’ve made.

Hand Salve (or really freaking strong “lotion”)

1/4 cup olive oil

1/4 cup almond oil (you can also use 1/2 cup of olive or almond if you don’t have both)

1/4 cup coconut oil

2 – 3 Tablespoons beeswax pastilles (depends on how firm you want your salve; either will work)

Optional:

1 Tablespoon Shea butter

Contents of 3-4 vitamin E capsules

15-20 drops lavender essential oil

5-8 drops rosemary essential oil

2-3 drops eucalyptus essential oil (watch it this stuff is STRONG)

Put all these ingredients in your trusty jar (Yes, the one you used for the lip balm. No, you don’t have to wash it first.) and melt them by putting the jar in a pan with a few inches of water in it (over low-medium heat). Swirl it around every now and then as it melts. After it’s all melted, add essential oils. I like the blend mentioned above because it’s refreshing and reminds me of the Burt’s Bees salve, which I love.

The Trusty Jar:

Thanks, Rocket.

So then you pour it in containers and cover with a towel while it hardens. I like 2-3 oz. containers. This recipe will fill probably 4 2 oz. containers. So you could easily make half the recipe. A 2 oz. container of this stuff will last A LONG TIME — trust me. If you find the final product too firm for your liking, decrease beeswax in your next batch (or increase oils).

After you fill your 2 oz tin and put it in your purse with your lip balm and feel rad, you try with all you’ve got to remember it’s in there when that 80 degree day hits (outta fucking nowhere in February) and you’re like OH SHIT it’s too late now. And you just throw away your purse because obviously.

Not that that’s happened to me. I’m way too organized for that kind of thing.

Clearly I’m organized. I make hand salve.

Only organized people make hand salve. RIGHT?

Okay I do want to mention one thing: Part of what makes this “salve” as opposed to “plain ol’ lotion” is that it’s really strong. It’s hardcore. Intense. Okay fine it’s fucking greasy. It takes a while to soak into your hands. So don’t put it on at your desk at work, or right before you grab your $400. silk Chanel robe. Buahahahahaha! Damn I’m funny.

I use it after I’ve done dishes and I’m gonna sit on my ass for a few minutes, or before bed. Always before bed.

I mean it. Life-changer. And the best part? My people ask me for it now.

Especially my grandmother, though she only had to ask once.

xoxo