What I learned this week…

1. Okay so I totally don’t remember this week. AGAIN. I do, however, remember yesterday, mostly because it was Mother’s Day. Ya see that? That’s what you call “on it.”
2. I had a wonderful day – spent it with a shitload of family members at my grandmother’s house. Plus, after years of explaining to my husband that on Mother’s Day he has to: 1.) be home; 2.) buy me something; and 3.) make me coffee – it appears he has finally figured it out. Go Mac.
3. I used to do this thing where I would not tell Mac what I wanted (though I would punish him greatly for not knowing) because I thought he should “just know” and that by telling him, I was somehow belittling the romance or sincerity of the act. Then I hit Stage 3 and realized it was never going to happen any other way, which means I would spend every holiday for the next fifty years pissed off and sad, and I realized that for some reason, the man doesn’t value notes on cards as much as his wife does — so I shared with him (GASP) that I like getting little notes and it means a lot to me, so please, do it. Fucker. And now, ELEVEN YEARS LATER, he writes me things like this on Mother’s Day: “You have made our house a home and have raised beautiful children. Thank you for being you. I love you, Mac.” And it feels very good, and sincere. Mostly. You know, enough.
4. I have a feeling #3 may deserve a blog post all of its own – that thing we do where we don’t tell partners what we need but destroy them when they don’t figure it out. Oh come ON. I am not the only one that does that.
5. Am I?
6.  Thank you for your nice comments on the Time Magazine post. I read that Time crap and had it rolling in my head for 2 whole days – over and over and over – through the night, in the shower, while driving – and I just didn’t know what I wanted to say, though I knew something had to be said. And then I just figured “well, something’s in there…” and I sat down and started writing. Fifteen minutes later that thing was written and I gotta say, I felt liberated and kind of empowered – it’s like my little motherhood manifesto. Your responses made my day. Truly. I don’t always respond to every comment (okay fine I pretty much never do), but please know that I read them and reread them and they mean a TON to me, and keep me writing. It is only a lack of time that keeps me from writing back religiously.
7. So today I was on campus with Rocket (long story) and we were outside. I was introducing him to a couple people I know. He mumbled “hello,” then almost immediately noticed a couple trees nearby with excellent climbing potential. In a flash, he was gone. Climbing the trees. I love it when they climb the trees. They never seem happier and healthier than when they are climbing trees.
8. Today Rocket was suffering from allergies and I attempted to console him by saying “Well, they’ll be gone soon.” To which he responded “yeah, we’ll get through this and then just enter the next state of irritation.”
9. How the hell did I raise such a little cynic? It must be his dad’s fault.
10. However, I couldn’t have said it better myself. “The next state of irritation.” Awesome.

Happy day-late Mother’s Day to the best mothers I know (well, cyber know – but still).

Okay I realize this picture is old, and Ava’s hand is cut off, but it’s one of my most favorite pictures EVER of the first two kids. And so, in honor of mother’s day, I’m putting it up. And then there’s a picture of Georgie in a bike helmet in a red tub, which also doesn’t suck.

Ava and Rocket in front of a redwood tree.

Safety First.

xo

1. So the freeways lately have been featuring these giant electronic signs that say “Texting ticket, $159,” and then beneath that it says “Not worth it.” And every time I see that I’m like “oh, good, thanks for putting that last part in there because I wasn’t sure about the message you were trying to convey. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me what a good deal it is.” Dude wah?
2. Pretty much every time I’m walking into the gym I’m thinking “Damn I don’t feel like doing this,” but I have YET to walk out (after having actually exercised) and think to myself “Damn I wish I hadn’t done that.”
3. The gym is pretty cool that way.
4. You know, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Getting unfriended on Facebook would be a LOT MORE FUN if the person were required to give you a reason. Don’t you think?
5. I got unfriended by like 3 people this week. I think it was the homeschool post. Maybe? Oh I don’t fucking know (because FB is all obsessed with TIMELINES and shit and completely misses the boat when it comes to important things – like requiring a 1-sentence explanation of why you’re unfriending somebody. or maybe a questionnaire!). Of course, the fact that I have no idea WHO it is that unfriended me probably indicates that I’ll survive the whole ordeal (I just noticed the numbers). But really. That would be hysterical…”I unfriended you because you say “fuck” too much.” “I unfriended you because you’re too liberal.” “Your husband looks like this dude I used to know and I hated him.” or whatever.
6. Anyhoo, I would like to cordially invite the horrid scorching summer days to please come my way. I need the death of pollen. I need the plants to wither. I WANT TO RIP MY FACE OFF. Worst allergies I’ve ever had in my life. I say that every year, but I mean it this time.
7. Grad school is over this week. Then it’s summer. That’s some good stuff. Except that all 3 kids will be around ALL DAY LONG and I’ll have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and it’ll be hot. But it’s summer. And it’s better than this springtime shit.
8. I’m 90% sure that we’ve sat down together as a family for an actual family meal about 4 times in the last 6 months. I don’t love that. I really don’t. I’m blaming it on baseball practice and games – as opposed to any deficiency on my part as a mother. Yes, let’s go with that.
9. Last night we went to a Black Keys concert in Sacramento. It was amazing. Hands down one of the 10 best shows I’ve ever seen in my life. Real rock and roll. A dying art.
10. Also, because I’m an amazing mother who makes sure her family eats together every night AND gets stimulating playtime, I made Georgie a white-trash water play table (pictured below). Yes, indeed it is a pan of water with a bunch of plastic and metal utensils placed on a rusty outdoor chair. No, nobody’s putting that shit on Pinterest. But OMGdoesSHELOVEIT. Precious.

Have a great week, all.

white-trash water table

at the concert. fun.

1. Okay, y’all are going to think I’m lying when I tell you this, because it’s totally freaking unbelievable, and frankly, respectable humans just don’t do this sort of thing, but I did it, and I’ll admit it: I completed a project I pinned on Pinterest.
2. I’ m not lying. I did. Well, of course, by “I” I mean “my husband,” but still. Impressive, right?
3. “We” built a raised bed out of cinderblocks. Then “we” got soil and put it in the bed. Then, we put plants in the soil (I actually helped with that part). And now, we have a garden. Can you believe that shit? The whole thing blows my mind. Photographic evidence below.
4. Speaking of food, that Georgia character can put some AWAY. That kid eats I tell ya. Last night she ate four pieces of pork, about 9 heads of broccoli, and rice. Two hours later she ate chicken and more rice. This morning she ate TWO WHOLE eggs (scrambled), half a bagel & cream cheese and a bowl of steel-cut oatmeal. And an oatmeal cookie (which of course I didn’t give her because I don’t feed my toddler sugar, obviously). I am trippin’ with this kid’s eating habits. All I know is, she didn’t learn that shit from me…bird-eater that I am. HAHAHAHA.
5.  My allergies are so bad I want to rip my face off.
6. The kids are playing baseball/softball again. We’ve already been over my feelings about extracurricular activities, but I just wanted to let you all know that my getting-ready-for-baseball skills have not improved. In fact I believe they’ve degenerated. Even further. Who knew that was even possible? I’ve gotten so bad my 6-year-old son defied all laws of the nature and the universe by putting his own uniform out the day before baseball. When I was shocked and elated and full of joy and wonder at his behavior, he looked at me and said “Well, mama, there’s no way YOU’RE ever gonna find it in time.”
7. So that confirms there are now TWO – count ’em – TWO children in this house who are more responsible than I am.
8. Georgia, however, continues to dump trash cans on her head, so clearly I’ve got her beat when it comes to sound decision-making.
9. Yes, I am strangely comforted by that.
10. Speaking of comfort, school’s out in two weeks. For three months. And then, summertime. When the livin’s easy.

You see those green things? Those are PLANTS.

Georgia likes to "help."

1. The problem with writing these posts on Sunday is that I really can’t remember what I did on Monday or Tuesday or, come to think of it, Wednesday through Friday. So I sit down and reflect and all I get is “I did busy stuff, like I do every week.”
2. A few moments always stand out, however, like one I had at the gym a few days ago. I was on the elliptical alongside my friend and we were chatting (which so vastly improves cardio workouts), and suddenly this angry-looking female on my right taps my arm. “Will you lower your voice, please?” She said it with a glare and a really disgusted voice. My initial thought was “fuck you Satan,” but I didn’t say that for fear of getting kicked out of the gym. So I stared for a moment too long and mumbled “whatever,” then proceeded to increase my voice level at least two octaves.
3. This is bad behavior. I would get mad at my kids for such behavior. But she was JUST SUCH A BITCH. She glared at me for the duration of my workout. My friend (being significantly more reasonable than her companion), suggested we relocate. But I didn’t want to. That would ruin it.
4. Next time I’m going to ask myself WWJD? and turn the other cheek.
5. Speaking of assholes (the woman, not Jesus), I’m gearing up to write a blog post about what turns kids into bullies. In the past two weeks both my kids have been subjected to horrible bastard children (Ava has been straight sexually harassed at school – don’t worry. I REGULATED), and I’ve really started wondering what it is that turns kids toward that kind of behavior. I mean my kids are annoying, and often misbehave, but they are not MEAN. They are very, very far from mean. Ya feel me? Totally different deal.
6. Have you ever noticed men don’t use windshield wipers? I find that odd. I always have to tell my husband “dude. Water all over windshield. WIPERS.” I thought it was just my husband, but via a friend’s FB post, I have since learned it’s like a male species problem.
7. We currently have two cats, two guinea pigs and a dog. How the hell did that happen? It’s like a fucking menagerie in here. Damn cute furry things. Get me every time.
8. Yesterday I was assaulted by a childless judgmental female wonder. Our conversation went something like this:

Childless wonder: “Hi Janelle, I remember you from grad school last year.”

Me: “Oh, hi!”

[Bunch of banter about whatever, leading to this]:

Me: “Well I have three kids so I’m super busy and tired. Plus I’m still in grad school and I work part-time as a consultant.”

Childless wonder: “Wow, three kids?! That’s a lot.”

Me: “Yes. Yes it is.”

Childless wonder: “What does your husband do?”

Me: “He’s an ironworker and he works on his father’s ranch.”

Childless wonder, with fifteen layers of insinuated judgment: “And you can afford all those kids?”

[And here I begin realizing I’m talking to a smelly pirate hooker.]

Me: “Well, yes, sort of. I mean, we eat and wear clothes and stuff.”

Childless wonder: “Huh, yes. But sending all three of them to college will be difficult. You aren’t having any more are you?”

Me, with palpable sarcasm and disdain: “Yes, yes we are. We are having as many kids as possible. You see, the more kids we have the more we get from the government in the form of welfare and food stamps and medical care. My goal is ten.”

And then I walked away.

Next time, I will ask myself WWJD? and turn the other cheek.

But she was JUST SUCH A BITCH.

Here’s a picture of one of the kids I [apparently] can’t afford. He probably would have behaved better. No, for sure he would have. When the bar is low, success is pretty easy.

1. As I write this, Georgia is performing her newest trick: a full-blown temper tantrum. She is standing here red-faced and furious, breaking glass with those “I’m really really angry” piercing crippling squeal screams. I am not elated about this. In fact, I feel a little like moving out.
2. You’ll note, however, that I’m writing this post instead of getting up and doing anything about that tantrum. That is one of the joys of tantrums. It’s one of the few times in parenting when it’s actually appropriate to sit there and ignore your child.
3. I went to a party last night with some family friends who are Mexican. We were the only non-Mexicans there. There was a Mariachi band, Corona, tequila, about 17 zillion children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teenagers, Pozole and tacos. All partying, dancing, eating. Gonna be honest. Kinda wish I were Mexican.
4.  I have reached a point of laziness and irritation with crap in my house that I throw away small toys rather than put them where they belong. You know, the occasional Lincoln Log or My Little Pony or pretty much anything plastic. Except for Legos. I do not throw away Legos. Legos are the only things my kids actually play with more than once. A year. Or ever.
5. I have so many blog posts I want to write but just no time to actually write them. I need one evening a week where everybody leaves my house and I have nothing to do but sit and write. I should stop dreaming about things that will never happen.
6. Today at the gym, a friend of mine and I were talking about things we’d rather do than go to the gym. She said “I’d rather sit on the couch, eat Mexican food and drown in silence.” For obvious reasons, I adore this woman.
7. If Facebook ads are targeted, why do they keep putting up ads for “Napa Valley Rehab?” Come ON, Facebook, that was so three years ago.
8. Tomorrow I give a 20 minute lecture to an American Literature class of 125 undergrads. It’s not that I’m scared, it’s just that I want to vomit when I think about it.
9. I don’t really ever endorse anything on this blog (except bad parenting and swear words), but if you are in the Sacramento area, go see “Young Tom Edison” at the B Street Theater. I went with Rocket on Friday and it was spectacular. Hilarious, engaging, fascinating. A real story of creativity and free-thinking, but also the reality of flawed human nature. They didn’t portray Edison as some super-human god, but rather a complex person with faults and struggles, who was obviously a genius. Seriously, spend the money and go. Worth it. (Also it was short, so you could bring a pretty little kid (only 1.5 hours)).
10. When you tell Georgia “I love you,” she now responds “wuv oooo” and I die from the cuteness. Almost makes up for the tantrum situation. ALMOST.

Have a great week. If I’m not back in a few days you’ll know I didn’t survive the lecture.

Kiss.