I used to do this every week. And by “used to” I mean “for 3 months.”

It’s been so long I bet some of you have never even seen WTF? Wednesday, that special time when we contemplate and appreciate the verbal whack flowing from the mouths of babes. Or the brilliance. Mostly whack.

Let’s start with a cute one:

Rocket: “Mama, why do you have to go to school?”
Me: “So I can get a job someday.”
Rocket, looking very concerned and sincere: “But you already have a job. Your job is to homeschool Meeeeeee!”

Can we all just say it together…AWWWWWWW.

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Ava: “I want to be a NASA engineer, a mom, a cook or a nurse. As a back-up plan, I’ll be the first woman president.”
Me: “That’s a solid back-up plan.”
Ava: “Well, by the time I’m big everything will be so messed up they’ll need somebody smart to fix it. To get elected, I’ll tell everybody what they want to hear, then I’ll do whatever I want once I’m president.”

Remind me not to vote for her if she’s ever running.

____

Ava: “Fourth grade is really a turning point. Kids are so much more mature. You know we say things like ‘not necessarily’ and appreciate lady Gaga and people don’t make farting noises as often.”

I don’t know, people. I just don’t know.

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Rocket, trying to coax Georgia to come over to him…”Georgia, come hhhheerrrree….I have something for youuuuuu…it’s right here…look, you can choke on it…!”

Oh come on you know I couldn’t make this shit up.

_________

Rocket, playing with Georgia: “You’re a cute 20 minutes!”

Me: “Rocket, what does that mean?”

Rocket: “She’s cute for 20 minutes. Then she’s annoying.”

Huh. That’s funny, that statement pretty much works for all kids, and most people.

_______

Rocket: “I’m more of a lollipop kind of guy.”

Me: “Rocket, what does that mean?” (Yes, I say that a lot.)

Rocket: “Exactly what I said. I’m more of a lollipop kind of guy.”

Me: “Right. I got that. But you’re more into lollipops than what?”

Rocket: “Everything.”

_________

Ava, as people drove by our house with super loud bass playing: “I bet Georgia has more teeth than those people.”

Me: “That’s not very nice. They could have a whole head of excellent teeth.”

Ava: “No, they spent all their money on that stereo and then couldn’t afford dental care.”

I have NO IDEA where she gets that inappropriate sense of humor.

______

Rocket: “Mama, could you please be less annoying?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Rocket: “Why don’t you just try to be less annoying one week at a time. That way you won’t get overwhelmed with the change.”

Gonna be honest, actually considered that suggestion seriously.

Happy WTF Wednesday!

I can’t believe how long it’s been since we’ve had a wtf? Wednesday, in which we celebrate the cute, slightly alarming things the kids say.  My bad.

Anyhoo, here we go…

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Looking at a full moon recently, Rocket says “the dark spots are big holes. I know that because my teachers taught me.” And we all go wild in encouragement, telling him how smart that is, etc., and he responds “Yeah. I don’t just  think about poop all the time.”

+++

So I was doing what I thought was a riveting rendition of “Girls just wanna have fun” while folding a pile of laundry larger than a Prius (appreciating the sweet irony of the moment) and Ava looks at me with disdain, with that “you’re such an idiot” face…and she says, kind of under her breath but clearly audible “I really hope daddy’s genes are stronger than yours.”

+++

Rocket: “Mama, if I counted every day for the rest of my life, how long would it take me to reach infinity?”

Me: “you can’t reach infinity. Infinity never ends. It goes on forever and ever and ever.”

Rocket, walking off: “Oh. Kinda like God.”

[I include the God comments because they trip me out, because they come out of nowhere…as if they know something I don’t.]

+++

At a stoplight, Ava says “Mama, I just gave that lady in the car next to us my ‘dragon face.’ The way I do it is I flare my nostrils and make a chipmunk mouth, and I think I look a little like a rabbid squirrel.”

I respond “That’s nice. I bet she appreciated that.”

And Ava says “Yeah, I know I would.”

++++
 

And here is the granddaddy WTF? moment…

As Rocket, Georgia and I are lying in bed together, I can see that Rocket may be getting  kicked, so I ask “Rocket, is Georgia kicking you?”
And he answers, laughing, “Yes, she’s kicking me right in my bald spot!” And since our heads are all together, I deduce that there’s no way Georgia’s feet are kicking him in the head, so I ask “Oh, where’s your ‘bald spot?’ And he points to his groin.

I don’t even ask.