I am so tired.
Okay so I don’t want to say I made a mistake.
But I think I made a mistake.
I am too tired.
FOR.MY.LIFE.
If I wake up at 5am, clean, make breakfast, get Rocket up, get Ava ready for school, start homeschool by 8am, put baby down at 9 or 10am, continue homeschool, take a shower, leave for grad school at 11, go to classes, study between them, race home, make phone calls on the way home that I’ve been neglecting for too long, get home, see kids, feed kids, bathe kids if they stink, put kids to bed, read, study, work from home (oh yeah, I’m doing that too), write, get to bed by 11pm – and actually SLEEP, I can usually manage to get up the next day and start all over again.
BUT, as you know from this post, most of the time it’s “go to bed at 11pm and realize you can’t freaking sleep because there is too much on your mind and you can’t stop reflecting on how you’re totally not meeting any of your kid’s needs on any level in any way and pretty soon the ball is going to drop and Ava is 9 which is almost 10 which is almost 12 and everybody knows 12 is the beginning of prepubescent insanity (so you’ve lost her) and Rocket and Georgia and AND…it’s pretty much all going to hell in a handbasket. The end.”
Irrational nutjob am I.
Seriously, people. What the hell was I thinking?
I want to go back to the office, where it’s safe.
I want to drop my kids off at school where they become somebody else’s problem (did I just say that out loud?).
I want to sleep at night like I did when I was a kid and my head would hit the pillow and immediately. I’m gone.
I want to not suck fear all the time. Like air. Fear of failing. Of letting kids down. Of missing my life. Of bad grades. Of regretting. Of not getting a job. Of totally and completely blowing it for real.
I want I want I want I want.
I sound like a spoiled kid.
Because the truth is, I’m living the damn dream. I’ve never had it so good. My fears are inventions of an overtired brain. The death-and-doom scenarios concoctions of a hyperactive ego.
Shit, I’ve already totally and completely blown it. And YET, I’m fine.
[Of course I’m using that term loosely.]
Which reminds me, I heard this woman say she has two prayers: one for the morning and one for the night. In the morning it’s “Whatever;” in the night it’s “Oh well.”
Now that’s some spirituality I can get behind. Bring it on, life. Whatever you got. And then, at the end of the day, acceptance that nothing ever goes as anticipated. Oh well. Over it. Movin’ the hell on.
And then, perhaps, rather than my panties getting’ all knotted up and keeping me awake all night, I could let go and my head would hit the pillow and immediately. I’d be gone.
Because seriously people, nobody respects my visions. And they aren’t even big.
Take this evening, for example. I made carnitas. Wow. Real food, at dinner. Mac was coming home from work – I was home – I was not doing something more pressing. Soooo, being the superstar mother that I am, I decided that we would, for a change, eat a real meal at the table together as a family (this used to be something I was adamant had to occur every day – but now, I’m lucky to get it twice a week, which I’m sure will contribute to the early degeneration of my offspring, a theory that torments me, nightly, at approximately 1am) – and, back on track – so I’m making this dinner and puttin’ in the effort and being cheerful and whatnot and the 9-year-old, well, she decided to have one of her 9-year-old episodes.
She was horrendous. Full of drama and self-pity and nobody can say anything right and she’s about to slaughter her brother and me in fury (for some reason) but then it’s tears and I’m trying trying trying to fix it but I cannot. I attempt jokes, fail. Strong hand, fail. Fail. Fail. So when Mac gets home I’ve quit trying, everybody’s pissed and the baby’s crying and I’m about to chuck carnitas at the cat and Rocket’s putting his Legos in his milk (my attention was on Ava, remember?), so we sit and eat our food in irritated small-talk and all I want is to get it over with so I can read the 75 pages I’ve got looming. For tomorrow.
NOW.
Do you see the beauty of those two simple words?
OH fucking WELL.
(Okay fine, three.)
Actually, I can think of three more: We will survive.
The end.
Lala
Tuesday, 13 September, 2011 at 21:51How about: I’m too tired for my life – oh well.
Don’t worry, until you’re dead, you’ll survive. 🙂
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:27Perfect. Should I be disturbed that you summed up a 700-word post in two lines? Nah…
Cheers.
Julie @ Alphamomfia
Tuesday, 13 September, 2011 at 22:29You’re more normal than you know and a terrific writer to boot!
Might be trite, but here’s a title (seems to reference your “tomorrow” and how everything will be, even if it didn’t seem like it tonight.
“Here Comes the Sun…And It’s All Right…”
Those lyrics have always a comfort to me–especially when I was a kid watching that green apple label spin in my parent’s chaotic home.
I love your blog and your fearlessness.
Wishing all the best for you!
Jules
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:28Thanks, Jules. By the way, I love your name.
Lisa
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 0:19“Too. Much. Life.” There Ya go 🙂
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:29So true. Sometimes I forget that this IS life. It’s this busy and this hard and this not glamorous. When I was 16 I had a very different vision in my head.
Although my ideas are pretty much always wrong. And proven wrong, at some point.
🙂
Kateri Von Steal
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 5:45“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
That’s what I would use as the title.
It sounds like your week and my week… are one in the same.
It’ll be okay.
Just keep chugging along. It will get better!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:29It has to. I remind myself of that often. Shit always changes. Always.
Dee
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 7:13The well known phrase around these parts is “Oh well then”. I know exactly where you are. My kids are back in school and I’m enjoying my “free time” with one kid…but after a week, I’m already tired of all the BS the school system is throwing my way. I may have cried and thrown a tantrum this week. Or not. Whatever.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:30This made me LOL for real. I don’t know why – that last part about throwing tantrums. And wait a minute, you’re not homeschooling anymore? I’ve obviously missed a lot on your blog – I’m behind on everybody I normally read. Damn kids.
Dee
Sunday, 25 September, 2011 at 16:26Yea, no, they’re back in school. You didn’t really miss it seeing as I decided about 5 minutes before school started that they would go back. Kids get in the way of everything, boo.
Julie
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 11:00What’s that line from Point of No Return, with Bridget Fonda as the assassin?
“I never did mind about the little things.”
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:30…And in the end, it’s all “little things..” right?
Shan
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 14:09You know what you’re going through? Totally normal. Ever started a new job and felt like maybe “they” made a mistake in hiring you and how you’re not cut out for this and you never will be and the whole thing was a fucking joke and you can’t believe you’ve gottenthisfarbuteverythingisgoingtocomecrashingdownanyminutenow?
I’ve felt that way at the start of every important job. The only thing you’re *not* doing that I have been known to do? Waking up in a panic absolutely sure you’re running late and trying to get dressed and get rid of bed hair and sheet face. Only to realize it’s 2:37 AM (sometimes I wake up 2-3 times and start getting dressed before it’s really the right time… I’m a slow learner).
You can do this.
And those first few dinners back at the table are always horrendous. I am pretty sure it’s the law or something.
Hugs.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:33Shan, I love you. I need you.
You’re the wind beneath my wings.
Okay there’s something wrong with me but all sarcasm aside, you have a way of saying things that make me feel better and yet don’t annoy me with their advice-giving. Delicate balance really. 🙂
Megan
Wednesday, 14 September, 2011 at 15:22You are BUSY! and wonderful and caring and you’re doing great.
I don’t know how hard all of this is, and I won’t pretend to. You get more done in a day than I do in a month.
You go Momma.
Your 9 year-old may not always appreciate you, but one day she will. She will remember how hard you are working for her and her brother and sister.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:34Thanks so much, Megan. I appreciate this very much. I figure they’ll both see what I’m doing when they have their own kids, and realize suddenly “holy SHIT my mom loved me like THIS?”
I called my mom when my first kid was about a month old and said “Wow. I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
🙂
Char Klassen
Thursday, 15 September, 2011 at 1:35We are ALL right there with ya…trying to keep all the plates spinning, making sure everyone has underwear tomorrow (not promising they will be clean) and wondering, “What the Hell was I thinking?” EVERYDAY.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:35Indeed. It really never changes. Some days are just less disastrous than others, though I feel inspired by the fact that there are other women out there experiencing the underwear situation. Cheers.
jessica
Thursday, 15 September, 2011 at 9:08you are my HERO! you wanna know why?? because of your candor, your sincerity, your realness. its refreshing. you’re shameless and inspiring 🙂 you’re not the only one feeling these things but you are the only one i know of that can put it into words so relatable. i always look forward to reading your words! for real.
xo
jess
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:38Wow, thanks! It’s funny, I’ve never had much of a censor button. It just kind of never occured to me that I should NOT say what I’m thinking – exactly what I’m thinking. Obviously this got me in A LOT of trouble over the years – I’ve finally sort of learned that I can’t vocalize every passing thought (especially in the work place), but I’ve never lost the ability to make a complete and total ass of myself by spilling what I think & experience w/out too much editing. So when it came to motherhood I thought to myself “SHIT. There’s no way I’m the ONLY ONE experiencing this crap. WTH?” So I put my loud over-sharing mouth to work (um, through my fingers) and whatdoyaknow? I’m not the only one at all. Thank you for reading, my friend.
Darian
Thursday, 15 September, 2011 at 10:01This happens to every mother. Well, not ever mother, only the good ones. Because the (pardon me) shitty ones are just that, shitty, and don’t really care. They don’t care enough to be awake for hours, worrying, feeling like a failure, wishing upon stars we can’t see that we don’t screw up our kids too bad. The crappy moms are the ones that climb into bed and, poof, they’re asleep. So wear your worry induced dark circles with pride, it’s the mark of real moms.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:39Yay! Proof that I’m a good mother! I’m totally using this when they’re 17 and telling me I’ve ruined their lives.
Sara
Thursday, 15 September, 2011 at 17:46I’m officially exhausted after reading this.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:39Yes, it’s not for the faint of heart.
I’m damn tired too. My life right now in one word = tired. Never changes.
Kimberly Turner
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 6:43Hey! Here’s a suggestion for a title: We all Have days like this, right?
Because as i was reading your post, i could definitely relate to the things you were saying! Oh the joys of motherhood! Thanks for the note you sent on Bloggy Moms! I enjoyed checking out your blog. Your blog is great, and definitely relatable, as well as entertaining! 🙂 Have a great day!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:40Thanks for stopping by and for the compliments. I’m on my way to check out your blog. Cheers.
Summer K.
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 8:35Strangely enough, I’m envious of the business. Before I became a mom, I was so used to being in nursing school, going to clinicals, having homework and papers due, cleaning/maintaining the house, being social, playing therapist for some special people in my life, and a thousand other things. But now I’m always at home, unless I’m doing some Mary Kay stuff and I get so bored out of my mind sometimes. Even though I’m starting to have to chase my son around the house (and need to so I can finish losing this pregnancy weight), there are only so many hobbies that I can pick up at home, haha! You’ll survive, hun! Just keep on truckin’!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:42Keep on truckin’. Perfect.
And wow do I know the feeling of that boredom. I stayed home with my first one for 18 months and holy shit I became one of those weirdos who talks for WAY TOO LONG with the grocery store clerk because she’s lonely and bored and dying for adult conversations. Whew. Eventually I went back to work.
Hang in there too. 🙂
jenn
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 13:34Hi, following your blog!
Would love if you would follow me back at 9monthsofstyle.net!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:42Thanks. I’ll check it out.
Shar
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 14:08Thanks for the invitation! Keep up the good work. Consider yourself followed!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:43Thanks, Shar. I’ll check out your blog as well.
Joan Cornell
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 17:32Hi! You left a comment on my profile on bloggy moms 🙂 you are HILARIOUS. I am SO following you!!! Come follow back if you’de like 🙂
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:43Thanks, Joan. Bloggy moms is a pretty great way to connect with like-minded moms…we’re there…lurking under rocks and whatnot.
Kidding.
Welcome!
Sara
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 20:23Life is tough and tiring sometimes. I love the whatever and oh well prayers. I really need to try that. I need to stop being so worried.
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:44Welcome to the club.
I rarely accept things as they are, which is insane, right? Because they are what they are whether or not I’m worrying about them, so why not just chill the hell out and enjoy life?
So simple to write. So difficult to DO.
Michael Ann Riley
Friday, 16 September, 2011 at 21:41DEEP breath! Not you, ME! Life is so hard sometimes. Well, really who am I fooling? It is hard ALL the time, even when you are “living the dream.” There’s always something. And when you have little kids, that saying is even more true. You did not make a mistake going back to school. It was a good decision. It’s just all new. I’m in a big life transition as well and I wake up every morning with an anxious stomach. Change is HARD! Hang in there. You are not alone. But your struggles are YOURS and they are valid and important and it’s ok to whine and feel bad. Vent!
renegademama
Monday, 19 September, 2011 at 13:46You’re the best, Michael Ann. And you’re right. There is always something. When everything gets “calm” I just invent new shit to worry about, and transitions are always nerve-racking and intimidating.
Thank goodness for this blog. I always feel incredible relief after writing.
NovelTeaMommy
Thursday, 22 September, 2011 at 13:49I think the payers are going to have to become part of my mantra. Cause surely there is not a lot I can do about the shit I’m in – in the moment.