Heyyyy internet, hi. We need to talk. Again. I thought you were getting better, but you’re not. It’s like you’re not even trying.
Mark fucking Zuckerberg is not going to give 4.5 million shares to 100 Facebook users tonight at midnight. He just isn’t. Why? Because that’s the fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Why is that not enough for you? Why is total implausibility not enough for you to scratch your head EVEN FOR A MINUTE before posting that crap with some sort of cute and hopeful emoticon?
Why don’t you see something like that and ask yourself, “Well now, that’s odd. Why would Mr. Zuckerberg do that?”
What do you think? Zuckerberg’s chillin’ at home with his wife and baby Max when suddenly, the thought comes to him: You know what we should do? We should give away 4.5 million Facebook shares to random people but only if they copy and paste a certain status update and I won’t have it come from me I’ll just have it originate in nowhere and I’ll set an arbitrary deadline of tonight at midnight because I NEVER REALLY LIKED MY MONEY ANYWAY.
Wow. Yes. That seems legit.
If that’s not enough to help you realize it’s bullshit, maybe ask yourself: Wouldn’t this be an official Facebook announcement rather than some random ass post using multiple exclamation marks and declaring it is REAL?
Hint: If something has to announce “I AM REAL,” it probably isn’t. Unless it’s an emergency fire announcement. If it’s an emergency announcement with the words “This is not a test,” get the fuck off Facebook and out of the building. Use the stairs.
I mean at least it would be announced on TV like the golden tickets in Willy Wonka. Obviously. Jesus.
And if complete implausibility and multiple exclamation points and unverified sources aren’t enough, how the hell does “THIS IS REAL IT WAS ON GOOD MORNING AMERICA” not throw you over the motherfucking edge? That’s like funny. That’s like trolling. Your ass is getting trolled at that point.
Internet. Where is your healthy skepticism?
Look. I know it’s hard. I was a kid in the 80s, when they used to send these things to houses announcing you had won $1,000,000 or some shit, and holy mother it looked real. I remember getting the mail in 2nd or 3rd grade and seeing it there from Publishers Clearinghouse (may they rot in the 5th circle of hell for all eternity), reading it over and over again as my heart started pounding more and more. I looked for the part that said “You just have to do this one thing to get the money,” but it wasn’t there. It wasn’t there! We had won for sure! It was for sure real!
!!!
I called my mom on one of those dialing telephones with the thing that you spin with numbers on it and told her our troubles were over. Because she’s an angel from on high, she didn’t even laugh, but rather coolly informed me “Honey, that isn’t real. It’s this thing they do to get you to subscribe to something. Sorry, sweetie.”
I only felt 9-15% naïve and pathetic. The rest turned into a healthy rage and determination to NEVER GET HOODWINKED BY DICKS AGAIN.
Where were you in the 80s? Does your mother not love you? Why didn’t anybody teach you about all the evil manipulators trying to play you for a fool? They are everywhere, man. Everywhere.
Car salespeople, Donald Trump, most teenagers, your toddler.
YOU HAVE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT, INTERNET.
You have got to realize that nobody is going to hand you money or ecstasy (even on Halloween) or both unless you happen to be walking by when an ecstasy dealer is getting arrested.
Are you doing that? No. I didn’t think so.
So stop it.
Likewise, nobody is going to randomly distribute business shares just for funsies. That’s not fun for them. Nobody likes that.
Work with me here. Please try.
And look, if the aforementioned logical deconstruction of interweb nonsense is too much of a time commitment, JUST GOOGLE THE GODDAMN THING IN QUESTION AND LEARN INSTANTLY THAT IT IS NOT REAL.
Snopes is your friend. Hold Snopes like a precious tiny kitten. Cradle it in the crook of your arm and stroke its motherfucking forehead.
Please try. Why won’t you even try?
You’re better than this. Your mother told me. She does love you, or she would if you’d stop believing everything you see on the fucking internet.
Except this. This is real. It was on Good Morning America:
I AM REAL!!!!
Adeline B
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 14:29Just proves that the IQ curve is really real. Poor souls.
Kara
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 15:15“It’s just a crummy commercial. Son of a bitch.” -Ralphie and little orphan Annie.
Biz
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 15:15EXACTLY everything I’ve wanted to YELL at every stupid fucking person the last few days!!! Thank you.
Debbie
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 15:54This may be a dick comment but I don’t care. The only idiot out of 300 and something friends was my sister inlaw. Hahaha, I can’t stop laughing! Even her brother said she can’t be that stupid right? Right?Karma is good!
Angie Gutierrez
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 16:15“Does your mother not love you?” “Hold Snopes like a precious tiny kitten.” Bahahaha, you are hilarious. Thank you for always giving me a chance to laugh, and I mean out loud.
Amanda
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 16:37YES. THIS. THANK YOU!
Dani
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 17:02THANK YOU. You said it, so now I don’t have to. I’ll just share your post instead.
Wendy
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 18:11Me too!
Joodz
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 17:40I’m sharing your post because I could not have said it better myself.
Rose Gilbert
Monday, 28 December, 2015 at 21:46“Cradle it in the crook of your forearm and stoke its motherfucking head” OMG I’m dying here!
fiona
Wednesday, 30 December, 2015 at 0:47Oh come on folks! Yes I did it! I shared it! (Not the unicorn. . Thats just rediculous). You know why? Because why the fuck not. Chances are he is giving away the rest of his fortune to rid the world of disease, one vaccine at a time (hurl) but a little part of me wanted to believe that those who made him rich might get a lotto opportunity. .Yes I had been drinking but I didn’t have to give bank details and I didn’t have to take my knickers off. I’m no mug but sometimes you have to be in it to win it ay!
Dorothea
Tuesday, 5 January, 2016 at 10:42One of my husband’s friends recently said something along the lines of, “If you use Snopes, you’re a fucking idiot.” Yes, because researching the real, ACTUAL truth means you will know that all of the conservative, hateful sputum that I spit isn’t remotely related to reality…
Laura
Friday, 8 January, 2016 at 10:54I, too, remember the pain of finding out that Publisher’s Clearing House had duped me. NEVER AGAIN!!!
But to be fair, I WAS once just handed free ecstasy by someone. It was in a club in Ibiza and it wasn’t halloween.
Spenser
Saturday, 5 March, 2016 at 10:39THIS LIBRARIAN LOVES YOU BECAUSE OF THIS:
Snopes is your friend. Hold Snopes like a precious tiny kitten. Cradle it in the crook of your arm and stroke its motherfucking forehead.
Emily
Monday, 23 May, 2016 at 13:24One of the very most useful mottos I’ve ever adopted is, “If something sounds in the least sensational, it’s not true.” And I don’t care if it’s a little bit true–every piece that sounds sensational is a piece that is WRONG. Life is not, actually, sensational. Yes, a very few times in history, something sensational has happened, but it’s not this thing, and it’s never going to be this thing. There is a very good, very deep reason that the word mundane is taken from the roots meaning “the world.” The minute you forget that, you’re suffering from a delusion.