They make some seriously ridiculous “parenting” products, but I have recently come across the winner of every WTF IS HAPPENING award ever made.
Behold, the speaker you stick up your vagina so your baby has direct and uninterrupted access to music from your iPhone.
Go ahead. I’ll wait. Let that one register.
And no, no I am not making this up. You think I could make this shit up? I could not. Ever. Why?
BECAUSE I DON’T HATE WOMEN.
And that it why I would never attempt to convince a pregnant woman that she needs to spend $137 on a speaker to put up her vag.
Direct quote from website: “Babypod is a small intravaginal device that stimulates neural development in unborn babies through music. Scientific studies show that it encourages communication and vocalization in babies before birth through the music streamed. Babypod gives them their first musical and learning experience.”
Ladies, it is no longer good enough for you to play music in the room or car or even buy some other music-making device to hold next to your belly. Oh, no. What you need is TO ENCOURAGE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR UNBORN YOUNG BY STICKING A SPEAKER IN YOUR BODY.
And playing music.
How does this even work? I mean, first of all obviously the woman in question has to get the thing up there somehow. Have the makers of this gem ever been pregnant? DO THEY KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO REACH YOUR VAGINA WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE YOUR TOES?
Maybe a partner is supposed to help. Okay, sure. That makes sense. That sounds amazing: “Hey honey, when you get a moment could you put this speaker up my vagina? Purely non-sexual though. Totally educational. Great. Thanks. Have a nice day.”
Nope.
Maybe they figure think it should be done early in the pregnancy. But, does a fetus even have ears that early?
I hate everything.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the idea that they really think we should “encourage vocalization” in a baby before she’s left the womb, or the idea that holding a speaker up to your belly is no longer good enough.
I seriously viewed the womb-music-activity thing as the pinnacle of Shit Mothers Apparently Do That I Would Never Pull Together. I used to look at those womb music CDs and be like “No for real do women actually do that?”
Frankly, the idea that we need to play symphonies for in utero offspring strikes me as a bit excessive.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It clearly does no harm, and maybe even some good, but it seems like a big, big extra to me, like THE MOST EXTRA. Don’t drink. Don’t smoke. Don’t consume soda and processed foods or brie or salami (so basically just die) and get exercise and take prenatals and make all your appointments and do kegels and gain 20-25 pounds only (which is fucking impossible, assholes) and spend lots of time nurturing your marriage and other kids and sleep a lot and take lovely professional photos and…
PLAY MUSIC FOR YOUR WOMB BABY.
Cool. Okay. I failed.
Although, gotta level with ya, I had four kids and I didn’t play Bach string quartets for any of them and yet they appear to be thriving. Right down the barrel of “functioning like a motherfucker.” That’s my family! And never once did I hold any gadget up to my belly to “provide a first musical learning experience.” WHY?
Because I’m not totally convinced fetuses need learning experiences.
Perhaps we should also read them the alphabet, a bit of Foucault, and have them watch the history channel.
Oh my god we could play Netflix through the vag speaker and MAKE THEM LEARN HISTORY.
I’m sorry. But please. Come on. Pleeeeasseeee somebody work with me here.
The last thing I want to do as a pregnant woman is stick one more thing up my vagina. Midwife hands, those metal death things OBs use, and um, ahem, et cetera, perhaps we could NOT add to the list of things going in or out of that area. OMG. Ew. I feel weird.
Who washes the speaker after?
And now I’m going to throw up.
STOP ASKING SO MUCH OF US EVIL INVENTOR MOTHERFUCKERS GO HOME WITH YOUR IDIOTIC PRODUCTS AND LET US RAISE OUR BABIES.
I did play a lot of Grateful Dead though. I bet that’s why they all like tie-dye and swaying.
Pink vag speakers for all!
Nobody, ever.
Ever.
This is not our job.
Goodnight.
I have an excellent attitude when I’m pregnant and would for sure be interested in a small plastic item in my vagina.
***
Join me for the last Write Anyway writing workshop of 2016.
Tuesdays at 10am PST, October.
I promise we won’t talk about vaginas. That is a lie. I cannot actually promise that.
Paige Wallace
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 16:51wait… no salami? maybe I should rethink having kids…
renegademama
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 16:55I could have made that up. I don’t know. I don’t remember all those dietary rules because I ignored most of them. THEY ARE UNREASONABLE ABOUT IT PAIGE.
Lou Taylor
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 16:57OMG…..Please..in the name of all that’s holy..or not…please say you’re making this up or I’m not sure I can live on this planet anymore. I’m not lying.
Tina
Saturday, 2 July, 2016 at 13:35Yeah. This, among other things, is why I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
tamara
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:03When you’re in the midst of throwing up every time you breathe (they really don’t explain that there are SOME women who have morning sickness day and night for 9 months straight!), the last thing you want to think about is whether the baby has had its music lesson for the day. Really??? I don’t even cuss but this makes me want to. Who in their right mind??? No. Just no.
Kristy
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 19:46I was thinking the same fucking thing… I pee when I cough. How the hell am I supposed to keep a speaker in there while I puke? I call bullshit.
Larissa
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 10:10Amen Kristy!
branjo
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:05Does it at least vibrate?
tamara
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:10Hahahahahaha, I thought that but didn’t want to be the one to put it out there.
Jill
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:33????????????????
Allison
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:43You know what Branjo, you might be onto something here!
Jennifer
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 11:40Gives a whole new meaning to “All about the Bass”?
Tina
Saturday, 2 July, 2016 at 13:37Maybe throb with the bass? ROFLMAO.
Heidi
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:12Thank God my little crotch goblin is already out. If my husband heard of this he would have begged me to do it. Mostly because he would switch out classical music for Iron Maiden when I was sleeping because you can bet I’d forget it was there.
Nieves
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:24oh my fucking god. Really?! Another way to feel like you have not done every possible thing for your baby and now you’ve failed. Stick this up your hoo-hoo or you will know what you did wrong when/if your baby (you) ever fails at something. jeez.
Angelica
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:31This takes “jam out with your clam out” to a whole new level. I can hear my husband’s friends now: Dude, do you hear Stairway? I swear I’m hearing Stairway right now.
Me: *puts one foot up on coffee table and winks*
renegademama
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:46Anddddd Angelica knocks it outta the fucking park I AM DYING
Larissa
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 10:12Yes, dying! didn’t see Janelle’s post first. Love it.
Tina
Saturday, 2 July, 2016 at 13:39Absolutely dying! You nailed it, Janelle.
Larissa
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 10:12Angelica for the WIN!
Kate
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 17:40a massive boycott as in “go to fucking hell” is in order.
Scottiev
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 18:02The world hates silence almost as much as it hates women…so this wipes out both at once. Ugh. No…just NO
bjsesq
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 18:07Bloody Hell I totally missed the boat! Who knew I could have had my kids pop out speaking French!
Lara
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 18:08Ok, so I wrote a satire about a nifty new product I invented called VULVALUV, and I thought of some pretty good stuff, but this one did not occur to me. And really, it would be too over the top to be good satire, if it weren’t real. (The satire, in case you’re interested: http://nursingclio.org/2015/07/21/vulvaluv-taking-wearable-tech-to-a-new-place/)
Dawn
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 18:53OMG, needed a laugh. You are fabulous and your followers are funny as hell. Thanks all.
Kira
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 18:54As a musician…. you have got to be kidding. I played Wagner operas while I was pregnant and my child has refused all music (not uncommon in children of musicians as it turns out) and has become a ballerina, an even more expensive and less useful hobby than music. She hates the instrument I play and has always viewed it as the sibling of which she should be jealous. We make her go to concerts, but just for torture. I just can’t even believe this exists. Pregnancy isn’t bad enough.
Agata
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 19:07Why doesn’t someone go ahead and invent speakers for testicles? Isn’t in utero a bit late to be starting a music education, when hubby could be sending out classically trained swimmers? I’ll start recording a CD-‘Ball Ballads’
Dee
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 23:35I think you’re on to something! This while thread has me dying.
kathys
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 20:35Hahahahahaha I love you all! The only way I would get pregnant again would be if I could have puppies. What kind of music should I play for them?
Biz
Tuesday, 28 June, 2016 at 20:49Dude, this vag speaker totally works! My baby came out speaking full sentences and playing Mozart! It definitely should be sold with some lube though.
Jay
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 2:12Nearly crying with laughter.
Like pregnancy wasn’t hell enough. 8 months of barfing, with the added challenge of not shooting a speaker out of your lady garden every time you sneezed. Rubber knickers to bounce it straight back in situ?
And the poor foetus – can’t exactly yell “Turn that thing down, I’m trying to sleep” can it?
Wait… this speaker nonsense is *wireless,* right?
Claire
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 3:33Thought I was going to be disappointed with the hype when you declared this as the most ridiculous thing you’d seen. Well I wasn’t your were right it is unbelievably ridiculous but at least it made the whole office laugh this morning.
April
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 4:12It only has ONE speaker?? I would need one to place rectally for the stereo effect. Fetuses can NOT learn music, thus proper vocalization, in MONO. Please, people.
April
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 4:16by the way, the site and the product is a hoax … funny, though.
renegademama
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 6:04Curious what makes you think it’s a hoax. I did some research and didn’t see that it wasn’t real anywhere. I mean, I wish it was a hoax, but I’m not seeing that.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3386181/Bizarre-babypod-tampon-speaker-play-music-unborn-children.html
April
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 7:58In re: to hoax. For one, it was created in the UK. By the same people who presented us with Benny Hill. (That is not to denigrate the man in any way whom I learned my entire sex education from when I was 10 and my parents slept in the next room.) For another, the website looks really fake to me. But most of all, I saw a cross-reference on Google to it that said that the text was a hoax. I guess I should have cited that, but it’s probably just an opinion as well. Most importantly, it’s funny.
renegademama
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 9:26Ah, got it. Yeah, I think it’s real, and it was actually created in Spain, at an institute in Barcelona. I saw it written about in multiple well-respected publications, for example: https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/jan/05/vaginal-speaker-foetuses-babypod-music.
Pretty sure it’s real, as sad as that is. I try really hard not to perpetuate lies, so that’s why I asked. The website DOES look pretty damn fake though. 🙂
Noelle McReynolds
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 10:24Its real, the shopping cart works
Amy
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 12:35I’m from the UK and sadly the Daily Mail is not fake, it’s the website for one of our national newspapers with one of the highest numbers of readers. It is absolutely appalling though and mostly filled with filthy lies, sexism, racism and obsession with the royal family.
At 9 weeks pregnant with my first I’m crying laughing at this post! Vag music for the baby…just no
Peggy Miller
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 6:59PSA:
Because I’m all smart and shit (heehehee) I just took a graduate level pediatric physical therapy class. This product is actually a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA FOR A DEVELOPING FETUS. As in, it could potentially damage the developing auditory nerves.
In addition to the obvious of NOT STICKING THINGS UP YOUR HOO-HAA.
That’s my professional opinion.
Susan
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 7:16I have four children. Early vocalization is not something to strive for. Part of me was hoping my fourth would be mute!
Betty
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 7:53April, I don’t know you, but I love you. 🙂
April
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 10:56Aww, thanks; I love you too and NOT only because you love me. Because that’s how I ended up married the first time.
Colleen Vernon
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 11:26I’m an early childhood music educator, so I’m super into things like singing to your unborn baby and having prenatal musical experiences…….But not in my vagina. That is total bullshit. Guess what? Your voice is inside your body too! And it doesn’t require batteries, money, or violation in order to give your baby music in utero!
Annette
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 12:19Best.Post.Ever.
Aimee
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 14:43Finally, a hands-free boombox just for women! I know what I’m getting my mother in law for Christmas:)
Patty
Wednesday, 29 June, 2016 at 16:03“Don’t drink. Don’t smoke. Don’t consume soda and processed foods or brie or salami (so basically just die) and get exercise and take prenatals and make all your appointments and do kegels and gain 20-25 pounds only (which is fucking impossible, assholes)”
Thank you, yes. I had twins and they say you only gain about 40 lbs, if you go full term. I had my dr giving me shit for my weight when I was 7 months in… First, the babies ended up being about 7 lbs, each, not counting placenta, fluids (I think I was 90% water by delivery day), etc. Second, I say ‘If I want to eat ice cream (because, the baby wanted it, right, and yes, processed food and sugars, GASP), I’ll damn well do as I see fit and say fuck you, thanks!).
kate
Thursday, 30 June, 2016 at 3:46if only we could just give those babies worksheets to do… think of the time they’d save in kindergarten. worksheets, vaginas… i’m sure someone will work it out soon.
Sherry
Thursday, 30 June, 2016 at 9:38In the whole world, there is ONE comment section that doesn’t make me want to weep for humanity. One that doesn’t make me just want to kill myself. One that I’m actually excited to read.
This is the one. I love this place, I love you people.
marjorie
Thursday, 30 June, 2016 at 13:22And what about the aux cable? How does one explain the wire coming out of there panties and how uncomfortable is that? God forbid you drop your phone/iPod/whatever and get a rope burn… there.
Ankita
Friday, 1 July, 2016 at 21:22During my whole pregnancy I had an obsession with criminal minds. Now my 14 months old boy still wakes up every hour or two at night (terrible terrible sleeper). Its a joke among my husband and friends that ofcourse the poor boy is a bad sleeper because of all the criminal minds you made him see.
Kathleen Hamilton
Saturday, 2 July, 2016 at 8:59Hey, at least they made it pink!
Nicole
Sunday, 3 July, 2016 at 14:08Cos you’ll actually be able to see it when in your vag… Lol 🙂
Nicole
Sunday, 3 July, 2016 at 14:07Blatantly invented by a man!!! Enough said…
Diana Ann Bisares
Monday, 4 July, 2016 at 2:51Hahahaha! Oh my god! The post and the comments are totally hilarious! I so love this place. I love you, mommies, who don’t wanna put up with this shit.
I KENNAT! Hahahaha!
cayenne1@gmail.com
Friday, 8 July, 2016 at 22:52I was just repeating a mantra to myself about practicing love as a radical act in the face of all of the gruesome pain this country (and the world) is in, but this device is making my little love practice REALLY hard. I do not love the vaginal speaker, and I don’t think babies do either.