What I learned this week…

1. The older kids teach Georgia all kinds of important, meaningful things. For example, this week they taught her to point to her nose when asked “Where are your boogers?”
2. We were all so proud.
3. Ava is pretty much exactly like me. I asked her how her first day of 4^th grade went, and she said “fine, except for the lunch situation. We all have to sit at these big tables together and most of the kids have really really, really bad manners. It was gross. The only thing that didn’t disgust me was the wall.”
4. Our idiot dog Pete knocks his water dispenser over pretty much every day, almost as soon as we fill it. So then, he has no water. Jackass. I don’t know what to do with a dog that dumb. I try letting him go thirsty so maybe he’ll connect the two phenomena, but that’s asking a lot from such a beast. Ideas?
5. Things like #4 fall into the “I Really Don’t Have Time for This Crap” category. Or the “Trivial Problems that Will One Day Push Me Over The Edge For Real” category. I mean seriously, it’s the little nagging things that assassinate me – the things that don’t have immediate answers, but matter, but not enough to be a priority…so they just sit in the back of my mind, bothering me.
6. Why do some people Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word They Write? Is every sentence they write a TITLE? I mean even if you didn’t get that such behavior is weird, there would be so much effort involved. Why people WHY?
7. I’m so excited to go back to school I feel like throwing myself a back-to-school party. I know this will make some of you cringe, but I freaking LOVE school. I love it all. The classes, the campus, the desks, the notebooks, the highlighters, the weird-ass theory we’re forced to read, the crazy conservative born again student who just can’t help but integrate Pro-Life arguments into every discussion no matter what the context, the egotistical professors, the thwarted intellectuals, the hallways, the all-night writing sessions. I love it all.
8. In exactly 2 months, which will be one month after school begins, I will forget #7 completely and wish I still worked at the office.
9. I’m trying to remain calm about the fact that my son will be 6 years old next month and still only knows 2 or 3 letters by name and doesn’t know a single sound any letter makes. I’m trying, but it’s hard.
10. I realized I’ve been a real asshole for not responding consistently to comments on my blog. I was doing it regularly, and then I stopped. I am amending that behavior immediately.

Speaking of blogs, the super badass designer JudithShakes Designs (http://www.judithshakesdesigns.com/) finished my new blog and we should be launching it in the next couple weeks. Hope you like it. I do.

1. There is so much going on in my life right now I can hardly breathe. I think I may be losing my mind for real, though I’m not sure.
2. Here are the things I’m facing this month. In August. Just this month (yes, I feel a little sorry for myself): Wrapping up an 8-year job/ Beginning grad school/ Ava starting a new school/ Beginning to homeschool Rocket/ First day with a new nanny for the baby (holy fuck that’s a big one)/ Going on a small but big-enough-to-require-planning vacation at the end of the month/Georgia’s 1^st birthday celebration/ Planning Rocket’s 6^th birthday party, which occurs the first part of September…
3. The only of the above-listed items I’ve completed is Georgia’s birthday party, which was a small, family-only affair (of about 12 people)…in which I for some god-forsaken reason decided to cook homemade carnitas, refried beans and tortillas ALL FROM SCRATCH – by myself, for the party. It was lovely but I swear I almost lost it due to the stress. I was flipping, delirious. Still am.
4. Georgia likes white sugar. She tasted it for the first time at her party. We cut her a little piece of cake and held it out in front of her…after she took a bite, she got this surprised look on her face and did a complete face-plant into it. As if her hands were just gonna take Way.Too.Long. It was beyond perfect.
5. It was a great party. It was at my mom’s house, and my brother and sister-in-law and niece & nephew came and my grandparents and my dad and stepmom and my in-laws – all of them came – and we surrounded the little Georgia with big crazy ass family arms.
6. And then we fell silent into a pork-fat coma.
7. Nature and I need to have a little talk. When we do, it’s going to go something like this: “Look, bitch, if you’re gonna give me pimples like when I was 16, you better hook me up with my 16-year-old body, too. You can’t pick and choose like that, yo.”
8. I guess I’m that stressed – I’m returning to having pubescent skin issues.
9. I’m afraid I’m going to lose friends this month since I most likely won’t be returning many phone calls, reading blogs, texting, Skyping, visiting in person (do people still do that?), emailing, Facebook stalking, Twittering, standing in front lawns peeping into windows, or any other variation of enjoyable social activities.
10. Please don’t desert me, people. I’ll resurface one of these days. Well in a month, actually. Seriously, though, months like this one should be illegal.

Cheers, all.

double-fistin' it, wondering "Mama, why the hell did you keep this from me for so long?"

lovely birthday girl, post cake face-plant

There’s something I forgot to include in my “shit I don’t understand” post: Facebook/Twitter drama. I just don’t get it. My reactions to people’s posts are pretty much all just slight variations of the following five thoughts:

• That was clever;
• That was not clever;
• Your kid is cute;
• I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole;
• Yawn.

I don’t see what there is to get all worked up about. If somebody irritates me repeatedly, I hide them. If they offend me repeatedly, I delete them. VIOLA. Problem solved. No drama.

Anyway, let’s talk about what’s on my mind…

1. Parents should not expect to have an undisturbed night’s sleep or go to bed in peace for at least 9 years, and that’s if they only have one kid. Because yes, at some point they stop waking up all night for feeding, but they have a whole slew of other tactics up their sleeves to obliterate nighttime tranquility.
2. For example, Rocket has now decided he’s “scared” every night. He weeps. He moans. He cajoles. He already sleeps permanently on our floor, but somehow, now, for reasons yet undisclosed, he needs lights on and people around and if we aren’t physically present in the same room, he weeps in heartbreaking desperation, even though he can hear us bustling about in the rest of the house. It’s so unfair.
3. When I clean my house all weekend, I get in a pretty bad mood by the end.
4. I cleaned my house all weekend. I’m in a pretty bad mood.
5. I’m trying to prepare for this back-to-school nonsense. Clothes, supplies, meetings, logistical arrangements…realizing the nonsense is amplified greatly and vastly more intimidating when I am the school.
6. We went to the state fair. It was a state fair – I don’t know what else to say. The carnies scared me to the point I wouldn’t let my kids walk within 5 feet of them. It stunk. It was hot. They sold fried butter. No really, they sold fried butter.
7. Mac sent me a text yesterday that said “You are the best wife since before they invented wives.” I’m so easy. I’m so simple. If you want a marriage to work with me, send me random unexpected silly sweet texts. I’m putty in your hands.
8. I have thirteen books sitting on my bedside table. THIRTEEN. I start a book, I read some, I stop. I leave it there. I get a new book off the shelf; I read it for awhile. I get bored. I go back to the first one. And on and on and on. Rarely do I pick up a book and read the entire thing uninterrupted. I don’t know why I do that. It’s like literary ADD. Or something.
9. I may write a blog post listing the books that are sitting on my bedside table. But I’ll have to get to know you all better. That’s a real glimpse into somebody’s soul, don’t you think? 🙂 Especially if the book is something like “How to love yourself and nurture your inner child.”

That was a joke. I wouldn’t read a book like that. If I read a book like that, I would vomit on myself almost immediately, because that kinda super touchy-feely stuff makes me gag, and nobody likes vomiting right before bed.

Cheers, everybody, have a good week.

1. Just returned from camping in Lake Tahoe. Apparently, I will not, ever, learn.
2. We have some great friends. Great ones. Some of these friends came camping with us. This fact made #1 more okay than one would expect. However, it was still about as relaxing as, oh, whatever, I don’t know…something not relaxing – and I currently, once again, need a vacation from our “vacation.”
3. I’m not sure, but I THINK that if I were a millionaire I would probably never, ever camp again. [Why do I say these things out loud? WHY?] I would rent one of those 2,000 square feet “cabins” and just hang out outside, as if we were camping.
4. Okay FINE. We’d probably still camp, but not as often. For SURE not as often.
5. I love Lake Tahoe in the summer. I just freaking love it. I love the trees and the clear blue water and the snow-peaked mountains and the way the sun burns you more readily cause of the altitude and the mountain towns and the rocks. I love all of it.
6. Well maybe not all of it. I don’t love the way everybody drives on ONE ROAD around the lake, often after consuming seventeen beers on the beach, all of it causing extreme traffic fun. I don’t love the drunk 12-year-olds. Okay maybe they’re slightly older, but they look 12, so whatever. I don’t cherish drum-circling hippies in small campgrounds who play until 3am. Not very “love the one your with,” bro.
7. Toby Keith really should take it down a notch. I mean is a “boot in your ass” really the American way? Sounds a little extreme in my opinion. Besides, we more prefer bombing people than kicking. Don’t we?
8. Speaking of Toby Keith, I would like to know how the hell he got on my Ipod.
9. I’m afraid of 5^th grade girls. I learned this when I saw the 5^th-grade girls in my daughter’s class (she’s in a 4^th/5^th split class next year). They look kinda like real preteen girls. They bounce around almost like actual teen girls. They look about 10 years more “mature” than my daughter and I don’t like it. Stay where you are, Ava. Stay.
10. I’m on the brink of a lot of changes. I’m going to tell you all about them this week. There’s a lot going on, my friends. The Zen proverb “Leap, and the net will appear” keeps coming to mind.
11. There’s a reason I’m not a Zen master: because I’m leaping, but I’m fucking afraid and I often convince myself in no uncertain terms that there is no net and there never will be a net and we’re going to end up in a pile at the bottom of a ravine, after jumping like idiots from our position of safety. Really, quite terrified. I’m “trusting” that the net will appear only because the alternative – of staying where I am – is impossible. Impossible.

I realize I’m being cryptic and annoyingly vague. Sorry – I’ll spill it soon – first Spill Post tomorrow. Have a great week, all.

What I learned this week…

1. I love the look of sun-kissed tan kid faces. I love the shiny gold streaks the sun brushes across their hair. I love the freckles and the tan lines. It all says “summer” to me. It reminds me of being young and free all day and sunburned, with that perfect exhaustion, that in-the-sun-all-day glow, calm and serenity.
2. My kids have those sun-kissed faces right now. [Yes, I know the sun causes cancer.  No, I do not make a habit of it. But damn it’s sweet for a while.]
3. I no longer have insomnia. I now have wanttosleepallday-ia. It’s nice to have things back to normal. I think.
4. Speaking of normal, you know what’s NOT normal? The sleep habits of mothers. Check it out. All freaking week I’m exhausted. I mean my head hits the pillow at 10:30pm and my eyes are aching my body is like lead and my attitude is really not that nice. I wake up with the baby at 5 or 6am questioning suicide. So this morning I have a chance to sleep as late as I want. As LATE AS I WANT – I could catch up on all that sleep. And what do I do? Wake up at 9am. Can’t sleep more. WHY? WHY? WHY?
5. Do not talk about ghosts (not even nice ones) ever ever ever around 5-year-olds. If you do, they will suddenly be “scared.” Every night. Even though they’ve been camped on your floor for, oh, I don’t know, FOREVER, they will bump their neediness up a notch, demanding lights on and an adult presence in the room while they fade gently into safe peaceful non-ghost slumber. Fuck me I’m an idiot.
6. I mean seriously who the hell talks about ghosts around their 5-year-old?!?
7. My son will not pick up his messes without being asked. EVER. If you ask him, he will do one of three things: 1.) Ignore you; 2.) Fall on the ground in agony, struck suddenly immobile by a horrible stomach or head ache; 3.) Move to the area of the mess in question and roll around in it, half playing with it, half moving it around toward where it’s supposed to be.
8. I have no idea what to do about #7. None. I usually just end up yelling or beating my forehead with a meat tenderizer. [That was a joke.] Suggestions welcome.
9. I really want to send my kids to summer camp one week this summer, so they get to experience something cool at least once. But good god almighty it’s expensive. Shiiittt. Why do things seem so different than when I was a kid? Am I that old? We had no money, and I went to summer camp. I don’t get it.
10. Next weekend we’re going camping in Lake Tahoe with some of our favorite people in the world, which I’m hoping will balance the fact that camping with an 11-month old is freaking miserable. I do not learn. I don’t.
11. I don’t love mariachi music. From my house we hear it pretty much all day during weekends (our neighbors, evidently, love it). I hear it right now in fact. And no matter how long I listen to it, I don’t really dig it. Live it’s okay. Of course being forced to hear any music all freaking day long is pretty damn annoying.  Oh well. More proof I belong in a nice quiet yurt in Borneo.

Have a great week.

You can't really tell how tan they are from this picture, but they are. And it's lovely.