1. First, let me just say “thank you.” Your responses to my last post blew my mind. I’m overwhelmed with the caliber of people that read this blog. Thank you.
2. I don’t totally recall this week. As usual, it passed like a fast-moving train. School starts on Wednesday. Somebody explain to me how it is that school starts on August 8. Isn’t that like WAY early?
3. I want summer to stay. I want summer to go. Story of my life.
4. Stay, because it’s summer. And my kids are always around.
5. Go, because it’s summer. And my kids are always around. Ya feel me?
6. In other news, I’m sure I’ll never get to use my thumb again. That doctor made it sound like I was just having some simple surgery (getting a bone spur removed), but it’s excruciating to bend my thumb even the tiniest bit, and I’m like “Dude, doc, what the hell?” And she’s like “Oh, well, yeah. I had to repair your tendon and cut off part of your bone. You’ll probably need a year of physical therapy to get full motion back.” GOOD TIMES.
7. And…let’s get to today. Today was a day of the gods. My baby girl turned two today. Instead of a party, we went to San Francisco. First the zoo, then down the coast a bit to Pacifica, where we ate sushi and had cake, then walked along the Pacifica pier. The day was glorious. I always gush about Northern California. It’s my heart, man, I tell ya.
8. It was the first time I just said “Ah, screw it. Let’s not have a party. She’s TWO. Let’s just go somewhere and have fun.”
9. AND WE DID. Normally I feel all guilty, like a kid needs a party, with gifts and people and balloons and crap. But for some reason, with this kid and this birthday, I didn’t feel guilty. And I thought about the party – the preparation, the money, the WORK – and I realized she’s TWO, and she’d have just a good of time hanging in San Francisco, with her people and the giraffes. And monkeys. She loved the monkeys. Probably because she is part monkey.
10. I love her so much, people, it hurts. Check out our day…(and yes, I’ve been jacking my husband’s Iphone for Instagram. That shit is FUN.)

our little peacock

mama and the big kids, at the zoo

we held hands a lot, and she said “hi” to the animals

this was her face after we told her cake was coming

fascinated with her TWO candles. precious.

gettin’ busy with the cake

after dinner, we went to Pacifica. This is what it looked like.

we walked along the pier, hung out with fisherman,

and met a freaking pelican.

I caught this moment and almost died.

Two suits you, little girl…

And at the end of this day – this day that was too damn good, we sat on the porch for a bit.

Did you see that pretty lady leaning against the pier in the pelican shot? Yeah, that’s my mom. She’s a woman I’ll never get enough of. With every passing year, it becomes a little clearer to me that indeed, I have the best mom in the world.

Forgive me if I’m a little sentimental. But it’s my baby. She turned two. And she’s Georgie.

Happy birthday, little one.

1. I know, I know. It’s Saturday. And I write my weekly posts on SUNDAY! Sunday! But this week, I’m livin’ on the edge. For two reasons: 1. I enjoy livin’ on the edge; 2. That stupid cast thing was removed from my hand, which means I can type. So I’m typing. Because I can.
2. Speaking of typing, I would just like to extend a big thanks to Facebook for adding that special little “edited” feature. Now, thanks to you, everybody can see when I edited a three word comment because I’m lame, and can’t write three words correctly. Cheers.
3. And, since we’re on the topic of lame…I fucking hate Walmart. Not on principle (though I’m near that as well), but in reality. I go there and I feel my soul sort of shrink out of my body. This evening I left a near-full cart at the check-out stand because the lines were hideously long and I couldn’t take it for ONE MORE MINUTE. The fluorescent lights and video advertisements and plastic items crafted in China by exploited children – the “roll-back” prices on a bunch of shit nobody needs. I’m serious. I hate that place.
4. So why was I there? Because it’s the only freaking store in the town I live in. DON’T GET ME STARTED PLEASE.
5. Yesterday, against my better judgment, we went to the state fair. Actually, I’m just kidding. The truth is we had a surprisingly great time. HOWEVER, I broke a vow I made as a very young girl, after puking all over myself and wanting to die: I went on the spinning tea-cup ride (well, in this case, it was strawberries, but you get it). You know the one? Yeah, that one. The one that spins. The one that spins and spins and spins and you can make it spin some more by turning that wheel in the center.
6. But I had no choice. You see, my heartbreakingly adorable niece, Lucy, walked up to me with her blond locks and startlingly large blue eyes, in her polka dot dress and rosebud mouth, and said “Auntie Janelle, I want to go on the Strawberry ride and I want you to go with me!” In my head I was saying “Um, I can’t. That ride makes me want to die.” But what came out of my mouth was “Okay, honey! I’d love to!” And then I believe she hopped and grabbed my hand, which obviously sealed the deal. We waited in line. I watched it spin. I held her hand. The terror sunk in. Fucking strawberries. I thought to myself “well, we’ll just sit in our own strawberry and I won’t spin the thing, so it won’t be that bad.”
7. But alas, just as the tweaker carnie was about to shut us in the strawberry of death, a dad yelled out to me “Can my girls ride with you?” He obviously wanted them to ride with somebody safe, and, since he didn’t know me, he figured I was the gal for the job. I said “of course.” But in my head I was like “No way, dude. Get your own damn strawberry.”
8. So they get in and the ride starts and they start spinning the shit outta that thing. I tried stopping them for a minute but they slaughtered me with their eyes and pig-tails, and since I was outnumbered and now responsible for the strawberry-ride-enjoyment of THREE little girls, I said “what the hell” and I started spinning it for them, twirling that damn thing like a bat out of hell (do bats twirl or am I mixing metaphors?). Anyhoo, the loved it, and yes, yes I did. I did want to die. I was sick for two hours after that. But Lucy. You haven’t SEEN her. It was worth it for Lucy. Next time though? I’m totally saying “no.”
9. The other day at work I had like nine missed calls from the nanny’s cell phone. This clued me in immediately to the fact that it was one of the kids, since she’ll just text me if I don’t answer. It rang again. I answered it, kind of irritated. It was Rocket. I was like “Rocket, what is it? You know I’m working. You can’t call me fifty times a minute when I’m working.” And I had irritation in my voice.
10. And then, the little guy says, I shit you not: “Mama, I just called to tell you I love you.”

And THAT, my friends, is how they get us to go on the fucking strawberry spin ride.

Because they are wonderful.

However, I THINK they may also do that to keep us in a state of perpetual guilt. You know, for being assholes.

Which lends even more weight to their ability to get us on spinning rides.

All I know is, it’s all their fault.

And I love it.

By the way, is it just me, or is this kid damn cute?

Rocket and his cousin went on this ride…don’t tell ’em it was the kiddie version…

And Georgie and I went on the merry-go-round. MORE SPINNING. But she loved it. She was like “More! More! MORE HORSEY!” But I stood my ground. You know, because I’m tough like that.

xo

1. Sorry I didn’t write Sunday. Or yesterday. Sunday we were visiting my brother and his family. Yesterday I was busy vomiting and shaking with fever all day.
2. Good times.
3. So of course I can barely remember what happened last week, except for one thing: The Dog Whisperer visited our house. Okay FINE not THE Dog Whisperer (as in Cesar), but clearly A dog whisperer. In like 4 minutes she had our maniacal puppy lying submissively at her feet, awaiting the next command.
4. I’m like “HUH? What the fuck did you just do?” And she’s like “He knows I’m the pack leader.” And I say “Sooooo…how do I become the pack leader?” And she responds “Well, you have to demonstrate that you’re in charge, have things under control. In control, but not in a fear-inducing way. Leaders are always fair, calm, collected. They never yell.”
5. And then I looked at her sadly and said “Houston, we have a problem.” Because as you all know, I’m loud and slightly spastic and DEFINITELY a yeller. We all have our faults. Mine has always been a penchant for losing my shit. But I’ve been practicing. The leash is particularly helpful. Particularly on Georgia. JUST KIDDING.
6. You know what else I suck at? Returning library books. Does anybody EVER return library books on time? I mean I just NEVER DO IT. I try. I plan. I put it in my calendar. And then I don’t do it. I’ve gotten to the point that I no longer care about the late fees. I’ve convinced myself I’m supporting the library and so it’s money well spent. WHAT THE HELL?
7. Here’s another seemingly simple thing I just can’t manage to grasp: bringing shit in from the car. I mean that’s simple, right? Every time I bring something out to the car (or the kids do), when I get home I bring it BACK IN THE HOUSE. Right? No problemo. Except there is a problemo. There’s a huge freaking problemo.
8. I can’t seem to make that actually happen. I can’t do it until the crap on the floor is actually LEVEL with the seats and I can’t take it anymore so I lose my shit and yell until the kids help me and the car gets cleaned. You see? Natural born leader.
9. I’m serious. The only reason I bring groceries in is because I can’t handle the thought of wasting all that money on food going bad. Plus, we need to eat.
10. Also, since it appears to be “confessional Tuesday,” check out this dynamic thought process:

Thought 1, occurs while vomiting: “This sucks.”

Thought 2: “I just vomited all the food and water I ate today and clearly I won’t be consuming anything else for quite a long time.”

Thought 3: “Hmmmm, in the interest of weight loss, I guess this doesn’t suck THAT bad.”

So yeah, when Mac got home I declared “The bad news is I vomited all day. The good news is I totally benefited from temporary bulimia.”

I believe he muttered a statement along the lines of “there’s something wrong with you.” Strangely, I hear that often.

And it may be true, but don’t tell the puppy. He thinks I’m the fucking leader.

No, he doesn’t. He thinks I’m the spaz who can’t clean her car, control her children or stop puking.

Win.

1. I’m not saying the puppy is bad, I’m just saying if he does what he’s supposed to do IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE.
2. But I love him. At least I think I do. No, I do. For sure I do. I love him. But perhaps he could just move beyond this whole jumping on the kids and nipping stage.
3. Somebody explain this to me: Sometimes I don’t go to the gym for awhile, which makes me feel like crap, and because I feel like crap, I eat a bunch of food I shouldn’t, which makes me feel even more like crap and even less like going to the gym, which is the only thing that will make me not feel like crap anymore.
4. If nobody can relate to #3 I’m gonna cry.
5. A couple days ago I found Rocket duct taped (with flame tape no less) to a chair, complete with a sock in his mouth and his hands tied together. As I told Ava, I totally appreciate the sentiment.
6. We went on another camping trip this weekend, but this time we went with some friends. Had a great time but I took no pictures, because I forgot my camera. Could have taken them with my phone, but one of the great joys of camping is not having a phone for a few days…so I have no proof of the wonderfulness.
7. But I have to tell you where we went because it was amazing: Sly Park Recreation Area near Pollock Pines. It’s on a lake (that’s warm enough to swim in), there are bike trails everywhere and there’s a 25-foot high waterfall that you can jump off of into the swimming hole below.
8. Rocket and Ava both jumped off that waterfall. Trip out. I didn’t get to go because I was back at the camp with Georgia, but I was proud nonetheless. Next time, I’m doing it. I love heights. No really, I do. I adore being way the hell up there, looking down. I’ve always been the first to jump off rocks, cliffs, etc. That may because I love heights, or it may be because I’m not too bright. Whatevs.
9. You know what drives me nuts? When people’s kids act like little shit heads and the mother’s like “Oh please let me validate your entitled, spoiled-rotten bullshit because you’re my kid and you’re perfect!” I mean they don’t say that exactly, of course, but that’s what it is. Ya feel me? Like the kid throws a tantrum because he thinks he’s been wronged and the mother backs the kid up without even knowing what went down…just assumes her kid is justified. And then the kid turns 21 and can’t go to school, work or do a damn thing for himself and the mother’s all “wow! That’s so strange! I did everything to empower him!”
10. No, you didn’t. You taught him that his tantrums are valid, reliable ways to get what he wants and that the world should cater to HIM and his whims, even if they are ridiculous…because…because why? Because he’s him and he’s perfect.

In other news, this morning the dog had diarrhea all over his crate. Twenty minutes later the coffee pot overflowed all over the kitchen counter. While brushing my teeth, a bristle struck a nerve of an apparently unwell tooth, because all the sudden I got a stab of the most excruciating pain up my face. It’s been sore ever since. And this afternoon, while driving Rocket to his guitar lesson, I got a ticket on the freeway. Why? Because I was breaking the law.

Nevertheless, this is one of those days that I appreciate for one reason and one reason only: because any day that follows one like this WILL NOT SUCK THAT BAD.

Yes, he’s smiling under there

the only picture I took. As usual, Georgia is immaculate & wearing shoes.

1. This week, the first week with our puppy, and the other dog and the two cats and guinea pigs, oh yeah, and the three regular animals (kids)…well, it was kind of an out-of-body experience. You know, like I barely knew where I was most of the time.
2. Basically it was just shocking that anything could be That.Much.Work. At least fifteen times this week you could have found me with a 17-pound squirmy puppy under one arm and a 27-pound flailing toddler under the other, trying to accomplish something. ANYTHING. Freaking anything.
3. I have not been the picture of efficiency this week. Basically I was excited if I showered or ate. I mean the house-training ALONE absorbed pretty much all my energy (watching him every moment), trying to keep him from killing himself by eating foreign objects, preventing him from destroying the cell phone charger, keeping him from mauling the toddler, keeping the older dog from ripping the puppy’s face off, getting the older kids to keep the damn baby gate shut so ANY of the aforementioned tasks can be accomplished, et cetera. Oh yeah. I’m tired.
4. The other good times we’ve been enjoying stem from the fact that the toddler and the puppy have pretty much the same level of patience and willingness to share. You know, so they both want the SAME BALL, and they want it NOW.
5. In other news, Georgia has totally learned to “fetch.” I think she may have a talent for it.
6. Are you tired yet? I am.
7. But I have to say, though this week has been insane and arduous, and there have been moments when I questioned my sanity for embarking on this particular journey, the truth is I am elated about this dog. Laser is an amazing canine. He is already pretty much house-trained. He’s learning his commands. He is super eager to please and we adore him. He does, however, like to eat EVERYTHING – I mean it’s freaking crazy how quick the little bastard is – which really complements Georgia’s habit of chucking all things across the room and Rocket’s penchant for dropping Legos EVERYWHERE HE GOES.
8. On another topic, tonight for dinner we ate beef from a cow my husband raised and killed, and squash from our garden. I felt like a homesteader and shit. Or something.
9.  Alright enough of this. Let’s look at some pretty pictures so I can be reminded of why the hell I added this furry beast to our family.
10. Okay, first I have to tell you about Georgie. A couple nights ago, Mac told her it was time for bed, so she says “nigh-nigh” and crawls into the dog’s crate, lies down and closes her eyes. Baby girl made a joke. We died. And took a picture…

Can you stand it?

Rocket lays there and WATCHES THE DOG SLEEP.